Jokes

After 8 years I would have thought that I'd passed my gynaecology exam.

But apparently listening to Chris Moyles doesn't count.

Just got my dream Job starts next Monday...... Window cleaner in Amsterdam

This is to all the people who said I could never write a joke about Bukkake:ha ha,in your face!!!

I got thrown out of a pub last saturday.
Bukkake....Karaoke,It's all Japanese to me.

Me and the missus had a 34.5 earlier.
It was meant to be a 69 but I couldn't be bothered doing her.

I saw this girl crying in a pub, so I went up to her and asked what was wrong.

"I split up with my boyfriend, because he's a sexist pig."

"I'm a great listener, if you want to tell me more," I replied.

"You don't even know me," she cried, "why would you want to listen to me?"

"Because you have massive tits."

I went to the doctor's the other day and found out my new doctor is a young female, drop-dead gorgeous!

I was embarrassed but she said, "Don't worry, I'm a professional - I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll help you in any way I can."

I said, "I think my cock tastes funny..."

A woman goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot. The assistant shows her a beautiful African Grey parrot.

"What about this one, Madam? A beautiful bird, and it's an absolute steal at only twenty pounds."

"Why is it so cheap?" the woman asks.

"Well," replies the assistant, "it used to live in a brothel and as a result its language is a touch fruity."

"Oh, I don't mind that," said the woman, making her mind up. "I'm broad-minded and it'll be a laugh having a profane parrot."
So saying, she buys the parrot and takes him home.

Once safely in his new home, the parrot looks around and squawks at the woman, "Fuck me, a new brothel and a new madam."

"I'm not a madam and this is not a brothel," scolds the woman, trying not to laugh.

A little later, the woman's two teenage daughters arrive home.

"Un-fucking-believable: a new brothel, a new madam and now two new prostitutes," says the parrot, when he sees the daughters.

"Mum, tell your parrot to shut up, we're not prostitutes," complain the girls, but they all see the funny side and have a laugh at their new pet.

A short while later, the woman's husband, Dave, comes home.

"In-fucking-credible: a new brothel, a new madam, new prostitutes, but the same old clients.... How ya doin', Dave?"

Just read on my neighbour's Facebook status: "Up at this time, the joy of fucking kids!"

So I rang the Police.

"Happy 18th son! All these presents are just for you!"

After ripping them open excitedly, he said "Dad, all these boxes are empty..."

"I know. Use them to pack your things and get the fuck out."

I may have Alzhiemer's,but at least ain't got Alzhiemer's.

I saw a fat bloke in the street today.So I jumped on the fat cunt and knocked him to the ground.
"What the fuck you doing?" he screamed.
"Following doctors orders mate,tackling obesity."

I do 5 sit ups every day,it might not sound like much,but there's only so many times you can hit the snooze button.