Jokes

My dad said to me the other day "Son, it's amazing you were born" thinking he wanted to talk about the wonders of pro-creation, I was about to respond when he cut me dead and continued-"I was going to cum in your mums mouth"

The lesson...

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, but she belonged to someone else…One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I’ll give you a $100 if you let me screw you. But the girl said NO.Johnny said, "I’ll be fast. I’ll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I’ll be finished by the time you pick it up. "She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend… So she called her
boyfriend and told him the story.Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the money very fast, he won’t even be able to get his pants down."So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call.Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.She responded, "The bastard used coins!"

O2 customers are demanding answers after thousands lost their signal.

Meanwhile T-Mobile customers had just one question, "What's a signal?"

My 15 year-old daughter has just discovered social networking websites.

Unfortunately she keeps confusing Facebook and My Space and ends up inviting people to "come on My Face".

On the upside, she's got 273,412 friends now.

Q:What is the definition of making love?
A:Something a woman does while a man is fucking her.

I was fucking the secretary up the arse when my wife walked in.
"You can't do that to me,"she said.
"I know...that's why I'm doing it to her."

Selling the Wife

A drunk walked into a bar crying. One of the other men in the bar asked him what happened.

"I did a terrible thing," sniffed the drunk, "Just a few hours ago I sold my wife to someone for a bottle of Southern Comfort."

"That is awful," said the other guy, "And now that she is gone you want her back right?"

"Right!" said the drunk, still crying.

"You're sorry you sold her because you realised, too late, that you still loved her,right?"

"Oh, No," said the drunk. I want her back because I'm thirsty again!"

The latest craze is to fill a woman's vagina with vodka and suck it out with a straw.
Health experts are now warning about the dangers of minge drinking.

To old ladies sitting in a cafe.
Ethel says to doris,"did you come on the bus?"
"Yes,"said doris"but I made it look like a asthma attack."

What do you get when you cross a Contortionist with a Fortune Teller ? A man who can foresee his own end.

Cheeseburger

A cheeseburger walks into a bar. He takes a seat and asks the bartender for a beer. "Sorry," the bartender says, "We don’t serve food here."

The Morning After the Company Party

A man and his wife went to the company Christmas party where the man has a little too much to drink.

He staggers down the stairs, completely hung over, and makes his way to the breakfast bar. His wife pours him a cup of coffee.

With his head in his hand, he asks "Damn, honey." "What happened last night?"

She replies, "It wasn't a pretty sight."

He asks, "What do you mean?"

"Well" she replies, "You were not on your best behavior and your boss was extremely upset."

"He was", he moans.

"Yes" she replies, "He sure was."

"Aahhh, PISS ON HIM!" he says.

"You did," she replies. "Honey, You got fired last night."

"I got fired?" he questions.

"Yes" she answers "You got fired"

"Aahhh, F**K HIM!" he says.

She replies, "I did, you start back Monday morning!"