Jokes

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar.

After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

To which she responds by yelling, at the
top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"

Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes.

She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you.

You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his
lungs, "What do you mean $200!!!"

I'm gonna get GUCCI tattooed under my eyes today...so at least they can look like designer bags.

I've just found out my wifes been poking holes in my condoms for years.

That'll certainty explain her sisters bastard children then.


"Don't fucking move!" I shouted at the woman,who was looking in the estate agents window.

Don't fucking move ! I shouted at the women looking in the the Eastate Agent window.

A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:

"Dear wife, You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. - Your Husband"

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:

"Dear Husband. You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up."

A woman walks into a hardware store and says "I want to buy a hinge." The clerk says "Do you wanna screw for that hinge?" The woman says, "No, but I'll blow you for the toaster."

I was walking trough town earlier with my wife,when a group of teenagers shouted "Oi,mate!your missus is seriously fucking ugly!"
"Why don't you just fuck off!" I shouted....At my wife

I just can't stop throwing up at the moment.
I fucking love juggling.

Don't ever have unprotected phone sex.
You might get hearing aids.

I was chatting to a guy today & he said "I've made a promise to not get a shave until my son gets a girlfriend" "Is he ginger ?" I said "Yes" he said "how did you know ?" "Because your standing on your beard" I said.

Two guys go hunting. Jerry has never gone hunting while Joe has
hunted all his life.

When they get to the northern Wisconsin woods, Joe tells Jerry to
sit by a tree and not make a sound while Joe checks out a deer stand.
After he gets about a quarter of a mile away, Joe hears a
blood-curdling scream.

He rushes back to Jerry and yells, "I thought I told you to be
quiet!"

Jerry says, "Hey, I tried. I really did. When those snakes crawled
over me, I didn't make a sound. When that bear was breathing down
my neck, I didn't make a peep. But when those two chipmunks crawled
up my pants leg and said, 'Should we take them with us or eat them
here?' I couldn't keep quiet any more!"

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal:
'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry:
'9.'

Principal:
'What is 6 x 6?'

Harry:
'36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade'

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions..'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

Harry: 'Pants.'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'

Harry: 'Shake hands .'

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

Harry:
'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the
teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.

My disabled brother won a dance competition at our local pub last night.
He only got up to get a packet of crisp.

I don't see any problem with amputee porn.
It's armless.

After consideration my DJ girlfriend has decided not to leave me.
She's certainly changed her tune.

I've been telling my wife to stop making food taste like shit.
In protest,I took a dump on one of her frying pans.
Naturally,she made a meal of it.