Jokes

It was Gary 30th birthday and Gary wasn't feeling too great when he woke up that morning.

Gary went down to breakfast knowing his wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday" and probably have a present for him.

She didn't even say "Good Morning," let alone "Happy Birthday."

Gary figured, "Well, that's wives for you. The children will remember." The children came down to breakfast and didn't say a word.

When Gary started to the office he was feeling pretty low and despondent. As Gary walked into his office, his secretary Janet said, "Good Morning, Boss, Happy Birthday."

Gary felt a little better - at least someone had remembered.

Gary worked until noon, then Janet knocked on his door and said, "You know, it is such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me."

Gary said, "That's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go.

Gary & Janet went to lunch. They didn't go where they normally go. They went out into the country to a little private place. They both had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.

On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it is such a beautiful day, we don't need to go back to the office, do we?" Gary said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment."

After arriving at her apartment, she smiled at him and said, "If you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable."

Mad at his wife for forgetting about his birthday, not to mention that Janet was quite beautiful, Gary felt justified in staying. "Sure," he excitedly replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a few minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by Gary's wife, children and dozens of his friends.

They were all singing Happy Birthday... and there sat Gary on the couch... naked.

I was out shopping with my wife earlier when she turned to me and said,"Your such a lazy bastard."
I was that shocked I almost fell out of the fucking trolley.

My wife said the other day she wanted breast enlargements.
I said "just go to the toilet and rub some toilet paper on your nipples."
"Will it work," she asked?
I said, "It's worked wonders for your big fat fucking arse."

CONSTIPATION;same shit,different day

My wife came home from work today crying and asked me to console her.
So I hit her over the head with my xbox.

Last night on stage at a Strip Club was the ugliest dancer I've ever seen.She danced up to me & said "Hey hansome what would you like me to take off first" I said "My glasses"

Fatima Whitbread...goes 2 the doctors..."I think I'm a man" she tells him..." oh dear...whys that?"..."these hairs on my chest" she replies..
"How far do they go down" he asks...
"rite down to my bollocks"....!!!!!!.....

One day two very loving parents got into a huge fight, the man called the women a "bitch" and the women called the man a "bastard".

Their son walked in and said "What does bitch and bastard mean?" and the parents replied "ladies and gentlemen".

The next day the parents decided to have sex, the women said "feel my titties" and the man said "feel my d*ck".

Their son walked in and asked "What does titties and d*ck mean?" and the parents replied "hats and coats".

On Thanksgiving the dad was shaving and he cut himself, "Shit" he said, the kid came in and asked "What's that mean" and the man said it was the brand shaving cream he was using.

Down stairs the mom was preparing the turkey, and she cut herself, "Fuck" she said. Once again the kid asked "What's that mean" the mom said that is what she calls stuffing the turkey.

Then the door bell rang. The kid answered the door to his relatives and said "Alright you bitches and bastards, put your d*cks and titties in the closet, my dad is upstairs wiping the sh*t off his face, and my mom is in the kitchen f**king the turkey!

Subway musicians - when the music on your own player just isn't gypsy enough.

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

Q: How do you keep a blonde in suspense?
A: I'll tell you tomorrow.

I was on a dating site this weekend and this fat bird's profile really took my eye. She had written:

"If you have read this far and still don't like me, show me what you have got to lose!!"

Fair play, I thought.

I sent her a picture of my full fridge.

What does a chav drink ? Asboloot Vodka.