Jokes

A couple were dining in a fancy restaurant when the waitress spots the man sliding
under the table whilst the woman seeming totally unconcerned.
As he slid completely under the table, the waitress went across and quietly whispered to the woman "Excuse me but your husband has just slid under your table".
"Oh no he hasn't" said the woman " He has just walked in."

If the secret to a long life is eating oily fish,how come I nearly choke to death every time I go down on my wife?

Q:How do you make a hormone?
A:Don't pay her.

I saw a bloke with a peanut sticking out of his bellend.
I said "Are you fucking nuts?"

I asked my mate whether a woman's clitoris was at the front or the back.
He told me it was at the front.
I thought "Fuck,I must have been sucking her piles."

I wanked over a blind girl yesterday.
She never saw me coming.

Employee: I got to have salary increment. Three other companies are after me.
Boss: Really? Which are the three companies?
Employee: The electric company, the telephone company and the gas company.

My boss walked past my desk and asked me: "Why are you not working?"
I replied "Because I never saw you coming Sir".

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Andy Carroll

The doors over that way mate

Say what you like about the Amish.... They can't read it on this forum anyway.

There once was a fella named Dave
Who dug up a whore from a grave
She was mouldy as shit and missing a tit
But think of the money he saved.

Sing a song of syphilis
A fanny full of crabs
Four and twenty ulcers
And twice as many scabs
When the scabs are opened
The cunt begins to sing
"What a fucking dirty place to put your penis in!"

There was an old from Leeds
Who swallowed a packet of seeds
In less than an hour
Her tits were in flower
And her fanny was covered in weeds.

There was a young man from Kildare
Who was knobbing his wife on the stair
At the vinegar strokes
The bannister broke
So he finished her off in mid air

Old mother Hubbard
Whent to the cupboard
To fetch her dog a bone
But when she bent over
Old Rover took over
And gave her a bone if his own

Wife: Why do you wear your specs only when I come in.
Husband: The doctor has ordered me to wear my specs whenever I get an headache.

Wife to her husband: Wake up. Some thieves have broken into our house. I think they are now eating the food I made last night.
Husband: Oh! Let's better call the ambulance then.

Two old married men chatting in a bar. First man says " Have you ever thought that marriage was a bit of a lottery?". The second man replied "Not at all. At least you have a slight chance with a lottery.

A husband comes home one night and tells his wife:
“I won a million dollars today!”
“No way! Are they for real?”
They checked the money and concluded that the money is real.
“Get your things!” said the man.
“Which one of them? My winter clothes or my summer ones?”
“All of them!”
The enthusiastic woman runs all over the house packing her things and when she’s done she quietly awaits new orders.
“And now what?”
“Now get lost!”

things are getting bad at home between me and the wife.she is sick of me backing horses,going to football,playing darts,and watching rugby etc so i decided to book a table for two last night at 8 oclock.by 9 oclock things were getting even worse,she hadnt even potted a red

Lady 1: Last week you had advertised in the newspaper for a husband. Any luck with it?
Lady 2: I got two hundred people who said, "You can have mine".

They sat by the candlelight having dinner in the luxury restaurant.
He said: "Wine does a lot of things. It makes you look beautiful, charming and attractive".
She said: "but dear, I haven't been drinking"
He said: "I know, but I have been".

Driving home one evening, my boss called me and informed me that he had
promoted me. The surprise caused me to swerve the car. A few minutes later, he
called again to say that he was making me vice-president of the company. The
shock caused me to swerve the car more than previously. A further five minutes
on, he calls me again to say that he wants me to become president. The shock
causes me to completely lose control of the car and I hit a lamp post.
When the police arrived and asked what caused the accident I replied "Don’t
know, I just careered off the road".