Jokes

After shagging Cheryl Cole the other day, I'd like to say a couple of things:-
1. Her Tits aren't that great, probably implants and
2. The Staff at Madam Tussaud's are miserable fuckers!

I had a look at the Olympic Medals Table today.There's a massive gulf between the U.S.A. & Mexico.

My mate asked me "What do you think is worse,Ignorance or Apathy?"
I replied,"I don't know and I don't give a fuck.

A gay fella came in my shop asking for change.
I advised him to start a petition and get in touch with his M.P.

Two bags of crisp are walking down the street
A car pulls up and the driver offers them a lift
"No thanks"they replied "We're Walkers

My mate rang me and asked if he could sleep on my couch as his missus had thrown him out.

Apparantly, they'd been watching the Olympics and he'd moaned about one of the British competitors who'd only won a bronze medal.

"There's absolutely nothing wrong with being placed third!!" she'd said.

He really should have realised that that wasn't his cue to point out that she's his third wife and out of the three......

I was watching the womens hockey with my girlfriend & started taking the piss when they only got bronze."There's nothing wrong with bronze" she mocked "It's nothing to be ashamed of at all" Yet when I told her later that she's the third best girlfriend I've had she went fucking crazy !

She said "Do you just want something quik?"
I said "Do you just want something quik?"

She said "Are you copying me?"
I said "Are you copying me?"

"OK," she smiled, "You want to play that game eh?"I'm a fat cunt."
I said, "I'm not going to argue with that."

Two women go out one weekend without their husbands. They leave the pub just before dawn, both of them drunk. On the way home they feel the urge to relieve themselves. They noticed that the only place to stop was a cemetery. Scared and drunk they stopped and decided to go there anyway. The first one did not have anything to blot herself with, so she took her knickers off, used them and discarded them. The second, not finding anything either, thought "I'm not getting rid of my knickers" so she used the ribbon off a nearby wreath. The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone and one says to the other: "These two were up to no good last night, my wife came home without her knickers" The other one responded: "Well mine came home with a card stuck to her bottom that read, "We will never forget you!"

Just for the record.
I love being a DJ

"I'm going to pay for this in the morning," I slurred after necking a bottle of whiskey.

"No your fucking not," said the shop keeper.

Liam Gallagher,Russell Brand,Naomi Campbell,Kate Moss,good job they don't do drug tests for the Olympic closing ceremony.

Q: I wonder if David Cameron's arse is jealous of the shit that's coming out of his mouth?

My local theatre group was putting a XXX ROMAN production on.
I thought it sounded really fucking sexy so I went along.
Turns out,it was Thirty fucking plays.