Jokes

The Olympics have completely change the perception of Britain on the world stage.Two weeks ago everyone though we were shit at sport but great at music.

A man goes into a pub and says to the landlord: "I'd like something long, cold, slim and full of gin." The landlord says, "how about my wife?"

To check his servant's honesty, his Lordship asked him: "What will you do with a £20 note lying on the floor? Will you keep it?"
Servant: "No, of course not your Lordship"
His Lordship felt happy about his servant's honesty, but asked, "What will you do with it?"
Servant: "I will spend it."

Mike to his girlfriend Lisa: "I'm not rich like Craig, I don't have a big house like Craig, I don't have an expensive fast car like Craig, I'm not as good looking as Craig but honey I love you!"
Lisa to Mike: "I love you too - now tell me some more about Craig!"

A horse walks into a bar.The barman says "why the long face" The horse replies " I've just come first at the Olympics & they gave the medal to the twat on my back"

A bear walks into a bar in Alaska. "Give me a ......beer" he says. Sure,but why the big pause" asks the barman. "That's my mums head you've got on the wall" he replies.

I was clubing the other night and I was totally pissed.
I walked up to this beautiful blonde and said,"Mind my sick!"
She said,"You're drunk-don't you mean Suck my Dick?"
I vomited all over her and said......"No!"

A man says to his wife,"I fancy some kinky sex,how about I blow my load in your ear?"
The wife hastily replies,"No,I might go deaf.
To which the man replies,"I've been shooting my load in your mouth for the last 20years and your still fucking talking ain't you?"

This guy from over the road was talking to me earlier.
"My wife's just told me she's having an affair with Dave the milkman," he confided.
"What? That fat ugly fucker I see every morning outside your house?"
"Yes," he laughed,cheering up.
"Why would Dave the milkman want to shag that?"

I was having a shit in the train toilet today,when some bloke knocked on the door.
He said,"Can I see your ticket please?"
"Not right now," I shouted,"I'm having a shit!"
He said,"I don't believe you,can you pass it under the door?"
"No problem,"I said sliding it under."
"The yellow bits are sweetcorn."

A bloke goes to the doctors,doctor he says I think I got crabs,your right says the doctor,trouble is I have run out of cream.On the way home buy some caster sugar and rub it round your balls,will that get rid of them says the bloke,no says the doc,but it will rot the little buggers teeth so you wont scratch so much.

I just read an article on the dangers of alcohol and it scared the shit out of me.
So that's it.....As of now,no more reading

I once placed an advert in my local paper: "Wife Wanted", I got 82 replies all saying "you can have mine!"

I wanted a great night out so I bought my wife three movie tickets - one for her and one each for her parents!

My wife said we should learn from our mistakes so I don't quite understand why we had more than one child!

I went for a meal with a chess fanatic the other day. There was a checked tablecloth on the table. It took three hours for him to pass the salt.

Jason came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk (as he often did) and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.
He gave his wife a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. “Who the hell are you?” Demanded Jason, “and what are you doing in my bedroom?”. The mysterious Man answered “This isn’t your bedroom and I’m St. Peter”. Jason was stunned “You mean I’m dead!!! That can’t be, I have so much to live for, I haven’t said goodbye to my family…. you’ve got to send me back straight away”.
St Peter replied “Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.” Jason was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.
“This ain’t so bad” he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said “So you’re the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?” “It’s not so bad” replies Jason, “but I have this strange feeling inside like I’m about to explode”. “You’re ovulating” explained the rooster, “don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before”. “Never” replies Jason. “Well just relax and let it happen”. And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that had ever happened to him… ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous SMACK on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting “Jason, wake up you drunken bastard, you’re shitting the bed!”