Jokes

Ladies,if a man says he'll fix it,he will.There's no need to remind him every 6 months about it.

A mother is walking with her five year-old son through the zoo when they reach the elephant cage. The boy looks with amazement at the large beast and asks his mom, "What's that long thing hanging down from the elephant?"
His mother replies "That's his trunk".
The little boy goes, "I know that, the thing to the other side of the trunk."
The mom replies "Oh, that's his tail".
The boy goes, "I know that! No, what's that big thing hanging down in between the trunk and tail."
The mother, wanting to avoid this subject all together, just says "Oh, that's nothing" and whisks him off to the next exhibit.
Two weeks later he goes to the same zoo with his dad. They are at the elephant exhibit and he asks his dad "What's that long thing hanging down from the elephant?"
The dad replies, "That's his trunk."
"No, behind that!" says the kid.
"Oh, well that's his tail" replies the father.
"NO, in-between the trunk and the tail!" yells the kid.
His dad replies, "Son, that's the elephant's penis."
The kid, a bit puzzled, tells his dad, "But Mom said it was nothing."
His father replied, "Son, that's because your mom's been spoiled."

Two of my teeth fell out this morning.....

.....Some of their language was disgusting

The old farmer had a large pond in the back, fixed up nicely with picnic tables, a barbecue pit, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening, the old guy decided to go down to the pond and look it over. He hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. As he approached, he made the women aware of his presence.
At once, they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave."
The old man frowned, "I did not come down here to watch you young ladies swim naked, or to make you get out of the pond naked."
Holding up the bucket, he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
Moral: Old men can still think fast!

My yoga instructor girlfriend left me today...

......I can't believe it,I bent over backwards for that girl.

I walked into a butchers the other day.
The Butcher said to me,"I bet you can't reach that meat on the top shelf?"

I replied,"I can't accept your bet I'm afraid,"

"The Steaks are to high."

Team GB's Paralympics Football team's final preparation match didn't quite go to plan yesterday. They were comfortably beaten 3-0 by West Brom!

Ryan Giggs has vowed to treat Robin Van Persie like a brother, after meeting the Dutchman's Wife earlier today!

My mate refers to his wife as Wigan Athletic cos she always seems a dead cert to go down but never does

A man goes shopping and sees a Thermos flask. He asks an assistant what it does. "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold" replies the assistant. The man buys it and takes it to work the next day. "Look at this!" he says to his workmate, "Its a Thermos flask. It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." His friend asks him what he's got in it. The man replies "two cups of coffee and a choc ice."

My wife asked me to act like a Gladiator in bed last night,obviously bang up for it I said.....

Wolf ready?
Wife ready?

I will cum on my first whistle.....