Jokes

A nun dies and goes to heaven. St Peter says to her,

"I'm sure you've led a virtuous life, but before i can let you into heaven, you must answer one question".

"I'm ready St Peter", says the nun. "ask me anything".

"Ok, what were Eve's first words when she saw Adam?" says St Peter.

"Boy", says the nun "thats a really hard one".

"Thats the correct answer!" says St Peter, and the pearly gates open wide.

A lady goes to the doctors for a check up. When she arrives home, her husband asks,
"So how did your appointment go?". She Replies,
"He said i have the body of a 20-year old". Her husband says,
"Oh yeah?, and what did he have to say about your 40-year old arse?". She says,
"Nothing, your name didn't come up".

A bloke wins the lottery and decides to buy himself a Harley Davidson, he goes down to his local bike shop and after purchasing a top of the range bike, the owner of the shop tells him to coat the bike in Vaseline every time it looks like raining. That night he goes and picks his girlfriend up on his new toy and heads over to her parents house for the first time. As they arrive there, she explains to him that whenever they have dinner, don't talk.
"If you talk," she tells him, "you have to do the pots." The man is astounded as he walks into the house as it is a complete mess. Anyway, the family all sit down for dinner not saying a word. The man decides to take advantage of the situation by groping his girlfriend's tits, yet there is not a sound from anyone.
So he decides to shag his bird on the table, and still there is not a word. He then proceeds to do his girlfriend's mum over the table, but still, amazingly, there's not a word from anyone. Just at that moment he notices the rain on the kitchen window and remembers his precious motorbike, so he reaches into his pocket and flops the Vaseline out.
At which point his girlfriend's dad leaps up and shouts, "Okay! Okay! I'll do the fucking pots!"

In order to become a part of our Pub Quiz Team all you have to do is make up a piss pun.Do that & urine.

My pet mouse Elvis, died today. He was caught in a trap!

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My Chinese friend died last week......So Yung!

An elephant is drinking out of a river, when he spots a turtle asleep on a log. So he ambles over as quietly as he can, and kicks it clear across the river.
"What did you do that for?" asks a passing giraffe.
"Because i recognised it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 53 years ago", he replies.
"Wow! What a great memory you have" says the giraffe.
"I know," says the elephant. "Turtle Recall" pal.

After 20 years of marriage, a husband finally becomes so tired of his wife's infidelity that he makes her promise to never again be untrue to him. One day he comes home and finds her in bed with a midget. He cries out,
"My wife, my love, after all those promises, i find you in bed with another man, and a midget at that!".
She replies,
"Well at least i'm tapering off".

Q:What do blondes and the Bermuda triangle have in common?
A:They've both swallowed a lot of semen.

Q:Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
A:The one who can carry a cup of coffee in both hands and twelve donuts.

Q:Who is the most popular woman at the nudist colony?
A:The one who can eat the last donut.

I was just about to go speed-dating, when I asked my mate for some advice.

"Just agree with what she says," he said, "and, more importantly, act as if you like everything she likes."

"Thanks, mate," I said, before trotting off to the venue.

I arrived and took my seat. As I sat at the table a stunning blonde girl came over...

"Hi," she said. "I'm going to put this out in the open right now: I love nothing more than sucking cock and being fucked up the arse."

"Me too!" I replied.

I went to see the Red Arrows today.

There were gasps of "Ooh" and "Aah" as the crowds watched on in amazement. Near miss after near miss had some people covering their eyes and shaking their heads in disbelief.

It was a good half hour's worth of entertainment, but in the end, my wife finally managed to park the car and we made our way to the air show.