Jokes

Mums have Mother's day and Dads have Father's Day. What do single guys have? Palm Sunday.

Why are woman like pianos?
When they're not upright, they're grand.

Did you hear about the girl who went fishing with five men?
She went home with a red snapper.

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.

'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

'It's my face cream. It makes me look sexy and beautiful for you when we're making love,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser ... at half the price.'

A father a son go hunting together for the first time.

The father says "Stay here and remain very quiet while i search the clearing ahead"

Several minutes later, the father hears a blood curdling scream and runs back in haste to his son.

"Whats wrong?" the father asks. "I told you to keep quiet"

The son says:

"Look, i was quiet when a snake slithered across my feet. I closed my eyes and held my breath when i was stung by a wasp. But when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant legs and said Should we eat them here or take them with us?, well i guess i just panicked.

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee".

The husband said, " You are in charge of the cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No you should do it, and besides it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, " I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and shows him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says:
"HEBREWS"

A psychotherapist was having a roaring business since he started from scratch. So much so that he could now afford to have a proper shop banner advertising his wares. So he told a kid to paint the sign board for him & put it above his shop entrance.

But, instead of his business building up, it began to slacken. He had especially noticed the ladies shying away from his shop after reading the sign board. So he decided to check it out himself. Then he understood why !

The boy found a small wooden board so he had split the word into the 3 words :

Psycho-
the-
rapist.

A man goes for an audition at a local club.

"You better not be a hypnotist, they're not welcome", says the manager.

"No i'm a singer.Whats wrong with hypnotists?" the man asks.

"Well we had one a couple of days ago with ten people on stage in a trance when he tripped over the microphone wire and shouted SHIT!. We've been clearing it up ever since".

My girlfriend was putting suncream on. "Do you mind doing my back" She asked. "Let's pretend,I'll be your butler,I winked, my name's Dawes" I said. "Ok" she giggled "would you mind doing my back Dawes" & that was all the invitation I needed.

(23-09-2012 11:13 )Boomerangutangangbang Wrote:  My girlfriend was putting suncream on. "Do you mind doing my back" She asked. "Let's pretend,I'll be your butler,I winked, my name's Dawes" I said. "Ok" she giggled "would you mind doing my back Dawes" & that was all the invitation I needed.

A young couple got married and went on their honeymoon.

When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.

"Well," said her mother, "how was the honeymoon?"

"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon as wonderful! So romantic..."

Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language - things I'd never heard before!
I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to take me home... PLEASE MAMA!"

"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! You need to stay with your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT 4-letter words?"

"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!"

"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"

Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama ... he used words like: dust, wash, iron, cook..."

"I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," said the mother.

A woman with really hairy underarms boards a bus.Unable to find a seat she hangs on to one of the poles.

A drunk man stares at her, and says,
"I love a woman who does aerobics."

The woman angrily replies,
" For your information, i dont do aerobics!."

The drunk man looks at the woman and says,
"Then how did you get your leg up so high?"