Jokes

The Pope walking into a Mosque.The Imam says "Why the wrong faith ?"

How do we know Moses wore a wig?
Because sometimes he was seen with Aaron.

What do bulls do to stay warm in winter?
Go into the barn and slip into a nice warm jersey.

A VERY TRUE AND LITTLE KNOWN FACT!!!!!!!!!

Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the Eyeball to the Anus?
It's called the Anal Optical Nerve,and is responsible for giving people a shitty outlook on life.

If you don't believe it,try to pull a hair from your arse and see if it doesn't bring tears to your eyes.

A doctor, an architect, and an attorney were dining at the country club one day, and the conversation turned to the subject of their respective dogs, which were apparently quite extraordinary. A wager was placed on who had the most intelligent dog.

The physician offered to show his dog first, and called to the parking lot, "Hippocrates, come!" Hippocrates ran in, and was told by the doctor to do his stuff.

Hippocrates ran to the golf course and dug for a while, producing a number of bones. He dragged the bones into the country club, and assembled them into a complete, fully articulated human skeleton. The physician patted Hippocrates on the head, and gave him a cookie for his efforts.

The architect was only marginally impressed, and called for his dog, "Sliderule, come!" Sliderule ran in, and was told to do his stuff.

The dog immediately chewed the skeleton to rubble, but reassembled the fragments into a scale model of the Taj Mahal. The architect patted his dog and gave him a cookie.

The attorney watched the other two dogs, and called "Bullsh*t, come!" Bullsh*t entered and was told to do his stuff.

Bullsh*t immediately sodomised the other two dogs, stole their cookies, auctioned the Taj Mahal replica to the other club members for his fee, and went outside to play golf.

An old man in a nursing home gets a bottle of wine for his birthday.

He talks the old lady in the next room into sharing it with him.

After they are both totally drunk, he starts groping the old lady and manages to get her blouse and bra off before she stops him.

"I can't do this, i have acute angina," she says.

The old guy says, "I bloody hope so, because you've got the ugliest tits i've ever seen."

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, 'I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.'

'Pop, what are you talking about?' the son screams.

'We can't stand the sight of each other any longer, we're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her,' and he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. 'Like heck they're getting divorced,' she shouts, 'I'll take care of this.' She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, 'You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?' and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.

'Okay,' he says, 'They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own fares ... Now what do we tell them for Christmas?

My best mate has run off with my Mrs. God I miss him.

Q:What's the definition of tender love?
A:Two gays with Haemorrhoids.

So, a Maths teacher has taken his teenage pupil to France. I presume it's just a Field Trip to show her how many times 30 goes into 15!!

I just had my first date with a arsonist.
We got on like a house on fire