Jokes

The problem with auto-correct is that you always end up posting some thong you didn't Nintendo.

Why is sex like a game of bridge?
You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.

Only in Ireland

An old man lived alone in Ireland. He wanted to dig his potato garden, but it was very hard work.

His only son, who would have helped him, was in prison for bank robbery.

The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament.

Shortly, he received this reply,
"For HEAVEN'S SAKE Dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the Money!"

At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen policemen showed up and dug up the entire garden, without finding any money.

Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what happened, and asking him what to do next.

His son's reply was: "Now plant your potatoes, Dad. It's the best I could do from here."

A man is strolling past a lunatic asylum, when he hears a loud chanting coming from inside:

"Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"

The man's curiosity gets the better of him, and he searches for a hole in the secrurity fence. Its not long before he finds a small crack, so leans forward and peers in.

Instantly, someone jabs him in the eye. As he reels back in agony, the chanting continues:

"Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!".

Before me and the missus had sex she said,"If you turn the light off,you can stick it in my arse."
With hindsight,I should have probably let the bulb cool down first.

On the sixth day, God created the duck billed platypus.
And god saw that it was good and said,
"Lets see the evolutionists try and figure out this son of a bitch!"

Three sons left home and prospered in life. When getting back together they discussed their success and the great gifts they were able to buy their elderly mother.

“The first son said, "I sent mom a Mercedes."

The second son said, "I bought mom a mansion.”

The third son smirked and said, "I've got you both BEAT! Remember how mom liked reading the Bible when we were young? And you know she can't see very well anymore?... Well, I sent her an AMAZING parrot that recites the ENTIRE Bible! It took elders in the church 12 years to teach this parrot. He's one of a kind!! Mom now just has to name the verse and BAM… the parrot recites it!"

Soon after this meeting of the sons, mom sent out her thank you letters.

"Andy,” she wrote, "the house you built is so big and even though I live in one room, I still have to clean the whole house."

"John," she wrote, "I am too old to travel and spend most of my time at home, so I never use the Mercedes.

"Mark," she wrote to her third son, “You are my favorite son. You have such good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was simply delicious!!"

3 men were gathering one day to talk about how successful there sons were doing.

The first man says, "My son has been doing so successful as a lawyer he got a mansion and shares it with his friend."

The second mans says, "My son has been so successful as a doctor that he bought a convertible and a private jet for his friend."

The third man says, "Well, my son hasn't been so "successful". In fact, I just learned he was gay and I've accepted that fact. I guess he must be doing good though because he lives in a mansion with his friend and owns a private jet and a convertible."

This bloke dashes into a pub and says to the bartender, "Six pints of your best bitter, quick as you can please".

The bartender pulls six pints and watches in amazement as the bloke necks back every one.

"Slow down, whats the hurry?" asks the landlord.

The punter replies, "You'd drink like that if you had what I had"

"Why, what have you got"? asks the troubled bartender.

"50p" says the bloke.

An elderly man died and his wife put a death notice in the local paper, noting that he died of gonorrhoea.

No sooner were the papers delivered when a relative phoned and complained bitterly:

"You know very well that he died of diarrhoea."

The widow replied:, "I know. I nursed him night and day."

The relative replies:, "So why did you claim he died of gonorrhoea."

The widow replies:, "I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was".