Jokes

Joe was talking to his buddy at the bar, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped."

His buddy said, "I have an idea - why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it - she'll probably be thrilled."

So the that's what Joe did.

The next day at the bar his buddy said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?"

"Yes, I did," said Joe.

"Did she like it?" His buddy asked.

"Oh yes! she jumped up , thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling "I'll be back in an hour!!"

A gorgeous young girl is about to undergo a minor operation.

She is gowned up and placed on a trolley by a nurse and wheeled into the corridor.

After a while, a man in a white coat approaches, lifts the gown and starts examining her naked body.

He walks away and talks to another white coated man, who then comes over and performs the same examination.

When a third man starts examining her naked body, she becomes a little anxious and says,

"All these examinations are fine, but when are you going to start the operation."

The man in the white coat shrugs his shoulders and replies,

"I have no idea darling. We're just painting the corridor."

I bought my wife some of that Volume Control Shampoo.It didn't work,I can still fucking hear her.

Viagara will soon be available over the counter by its correct generic medical name.

Please ask your pharmacist for "Mycoxafloppin".

A guy was listening to his kid say his nightly prayers.

The kid says, "Goodnight mommy, daddy, grandpa, and goodbye grandma."

The next day the grandma dies. The guy thinks this is really weird.

That night, the kid says "Good-
night mommy, daddy, and goodbye grandpa" The next day the grandpa dies.

The father thinks this is really weird. That night the kid says, "Goodnight mommy, and goodbye daddy."

The father freaks. He's thinking I'm gonna die. So the next day he goes to work really slowly and carefully, and is nice to everyone at work.

At the end of the day, he drives home really carefully and collapses into a chair.

He says," Honey, can you get me a cup of coffee? I've had a really bad day." She says "YOU'VE had a bad day! I found the mailman dead on the doorstep!"

A chemistry professor walks into a bar & orders concentrated sodium hydroxide.The barman replies " Why the strong base"

A science teacher stands at the front of her class and asks,

"Children if you could have one raw material in the world what would it be?"

Little Jimmy raises his hand and says,

"I would want gold, and with gold i could buy a Corvette.

The teacher nods and then asks little Jenny who replies,

"I would want platinum, its worth more than gold, and i could buy a Ferrari".

The teacher smiles, and then asks little Johnny, who replies,

"I would want silicone"

The teacher asks, "silicone? why silicone".

Little Johnny replies,

"Because my mom has two bags of the stuff and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!".

"Why are you with me?" I asked my girlfriend

"Well," she said, "There's two reasons,I love your beautiful smile and your sense of humour."

"Why are you with me?" She said.

"Well," I replied,looking at her ample cleavage,"There's two good reasons."

"Oh yeah," she smiled.

I said, "Yeah,you do all the cooking and ironing.

If only my jizz could turn into super glue.
That would shut the cunts up.

I am a Dislexic Daredevil.....
Some days I'm a stunning cunt,others I'm planning a cunning stunt.

My three sons,Meatball,Veggie and Tuna are all at the same football club.
They don't play much,they always seem to be on the subs bench.

Little Harry walks in the bathroom and sees his mum with no clothes on,
standing in front of him, he looks up at her private parts he asks
"What's that mum ? " His mum frozen tried to think what to say, finally
she came up with the following, "That's where your dad accidentially hit
me with an axe!" and little Harry replies, "Good shot, right in the CUNT!"