Jokes

Woman says to her husband,"I've just read that a bull is able to mate 3000 times a year,How comes you can't do that?"

Man replies,"Ask the bull if he shags the same fucking cow every night!!"

A man phoned a pharmacist and asked urgently: "Do you sell incontinence pants?"

"Yes says the pharmacist. "Can i ask where you're ringing from?"

The man replies, "From the bloody waist down".

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and
passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a
little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the
crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I
wish you could talk."
The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and
down.

"You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer.

Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.

"Well, did you see this?"
"Yes," motioned the monkey.
"What happened?"

The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it
up by his mouth.

"They were drinking?" asked the officer.
"Yes."
"What else?"

The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his
mouth.
"They were smoking marijuana?"
"Yes."
"What else?"

The monkey motioned "Screwing."
"They were screwing, too?" asked the astounded officer.
"Yes."
"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking
and screwing before they wrecked."
"Yes."
"What were you doing during all this?"
"Driving" motioned the monkey.

Dave comes home and says to his wife "Honey, I've invited a friend round for supper"
"What, are you out of your mind" she replies, "The house is a mess, I haven't cleaned up, or been shopping, the dishes are dirty, and I can't really be arsed to cook a proper meal"
"I know all that" the man says,
"So why did you invite him them"
"Because the poor bastard's thinking of getting married"...

Why does it suck to be an egg?

You only get laid once, you only get eaten once, it takes 15 minutes to get hard, 3 minutes to get soft, and the only chick who will sit on your face is your mother!.

A guy complained to a friend that sex with his wife had become boring.

"Why don't you try something a little different?" suggested his friend.

"Like what"

"Well, why don't you try playing doctor for an hour?Thats what i do with my wife".

"A whole hour! How the hell do you manage to make it last that long"

"It's easy. I just keep her in the waiting room for 58 minutes".

A woman sets her fanny on fire by accident,her husband tells her to go stand on the balcony for the wind to blow it out,but sadly she slipped & fell.
Dave & Stan were stood below.
Dave says to Stan,"Is that a comet?" To which Stan replies,"Don't be silly,it's a Twatalite!!"

The first rule of Chinese Whispers Club is don't talk about Tiny Whiskers Grub.

Every night, after dinner, a man took off for the local tavern. He spent the whole evening there, and arrived home very drunk around midnight each night.

He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole and getting the door opened. His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him, for his constant nights out, and coming home in a drunken state. But, Harry continued his nightly routine.

One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behavior, and was particularly distraught by it all.

The friend listened to her, and then said, "Why don't you treat him a little differently, when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words, and welcome him home with a kiss? He then might change his ways."

The wife thought that might be a good idea.

That night, Harry took off again, after dinner. And, about midnight, he arrived home, in his usual condition.

His wife heard him at the door, and quickly went to it, and opened the door, and let Harry in.

This time, instead of berating him, as she had always done, she took his arm, and led him into the living room. She sat him down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him, and started to cuddle him a little. After a little while, she said to him, "It's pretty late, dear. I think we had better go upstairs to bed, now, don't you think?"

At that, Harry replied, in his inebriated state, "I guess we might as well. I'll be getting in trouble with the stupid wife when I get home anyway!"

How many animals can you get into a pair of tights?

Ten little piggies, two calves, one beaver, one ass, one pussy, thousands of hares, and a dead fish no one can ever find.