Jokes

A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter.

Mother: "What does the cow say?"

Child: "Moo!"

Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?"

Child: "Meow."

Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?"

And this wide-eyed little 3 year-old looked up at her mother and in her deepest voice replied, "Bud."

On their first date, a guy drove his girlfriend to a quiet country lane and began reaching under her skirt.
"Get off!" she said, pushing his hand away. "I'm a virgin, and that's how i intend to stay for the time being."
"How about a blow job?" he inquired hopefully.
"No way. I'm not putting that thing in my mouth."
"Well how about a hand job?"
"I've never done that. What do i have to do?"
"It's simple. Remember when you were a kid and used to shake up a coke bottle and spray it around?. Well it's just like that.
So she pulled out his dick and started shaking it. A, few seconds later his head flopped back on the headrest, his eyes closed, snot started to run out of his nose, wax blew out of his ears, and he screamed in pain.
"Whats wrong? she cried.
"Take your bloody thumb off the end!"

I'm sick and tired of all these razors telling me they have 3,4, and 5 blades or whatever. Want to impress me?
Then make one I can shave my bollocks with, without me being terrified.
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Roberto Manchini today confirmed he will be bringing new faces into Manchester City.
Carlos Tevez has asked if he can have first choice...
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My brother and I laugh at how competitive we were as kids.
But I laugh more.

A husband and wife had just finished having sex, when she says to her man:
"I've never told you this before, but you make love like you decorate"

He replies: "You mean slowly, with smooth strokes and a professional finish."

"No, more like the council. You bang it up, leave a fucking mess and i have to finish the job myself."

The Grim Reaper came for me the other night,but I managed to beat him off with a vacum cleaner.
Talk about Dyson with death.

Q: What do you call a monkey in a minefield?
A: Baboom!!!!

A man and his friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course.
One of the guys is about to chip onto the green,when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course.
He stops mid-swing,takes off his cap,closes his eyes and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: "Wow,that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen...you truly are a kind man."
The man replies: "Yeah,well,we were married 35 years."

A pilot addresses his passengers but forgets to turn off the intercom. They hear him say to his co-pilot:

"I'm going to have a shit, then shag the arse off that new air hostess."

At hearing this, the air hostess runs up the aisle to warn the pilot that the intercom is still on, buts she trips and falls over.

"No need to hurry love" says a old lady. "He's having a shit first."

Q: What do Pimps like for breakfast?
A: Cheery-Hoes

How is a vagina like a grapefruit?
The best ones squirt when you eat them.

Whats the difference between a woman and a mobile speed camera?
Generally, as far as a woman is concerned, you can see the cunt behind the bush.

A man escapes from prison where he has been locked away for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair; While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"