Jokes

A couple were watching television when the husband picked up the remote and started flicking channels.

"Porn.Golf,Porn,Golf,
Golf,Porn,Golf,Porn."

His wife says,"For fucks sakes,leave it on porn,you know how to play golf."

A newly married man came home from work to find his new bride stretched out on the sofa, wearing a sexy negligee.

"Guess what i've got planned for dinner?" she purred. "And don't you dare tell me you had it for lunch today."

Alan Pardew has reportedly told his Newcastle United players to forget all about the club's new sponsorship deal with Wonga.com.

He's told them to just get on the pitch and give it 4121%.
__________

Lance Armstrong has flown into New York to deny doping claims.

It would have been more convincing if he'd used a plane.

"Which one of my friends would you like to fuck?" my girlfriend asked.

"What a stupid question" I replied,"Why would you imply that I'd want to fuck one of your friends?"

She said,"Your right! I'm sorry,of course you don't want to fuck one of my friends."

"Damn right," I replied "I want to fuck all of them."

I've just seen an American rock band sleeping.....
....Must have been Zzzzzz Top

Some charity worker approached me earlier.
He said,"What's your view on homelessness?"
I said,"I've got a good view actually,I can see a guy sleeping rough from my penthouse window."

"You've got a hair on your clit" I said to my wife."It's a Rabbit" she said "now fuck off & leave me to it"

How do you know if you've passed an elephant?
You cant put the toilet seat down.

Why are tornado's and marriage alike?
They both begin with a lot of blowing and sucking, but in the end you lose your house.

A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102.

Already there is a long-time resident who looks 100 years old.

The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly.

The old-timer says, "Look at me. I'm old and worn out.

You'd never believe that I used to live the life of Riley.

I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants of France."

The new man asked, "What happened?"

"One day Riley reported his credit cards missing!"

My mother & father are petty criminals,they break into houses and steal expensive items.
Afterwards I go in and nick a few things myself

I suppose you could say,I take after my parents.

A man calls his boss one morning and tells him that he's staying at home because he's not feeling well.

"What's the matter?" the boss asks

"I have a bad case of Anal Glaucoma" the man says in a weak voice.

"What the hell is Anal Glaucoma"

"I can't see my arse coming into work today."