Jokes

A sadist, a rapist, a murderer, a necrophiliac, and a masochist were all sitting together on a park bench.
The sadist said "Hey, I've got an idea. Why don't we get a cat and torture it?"
The rapist replied "Yeah, we can torture it and have sex with it afterwards!"
The murder enthusiastically chimed in "and then we kill the thing!"
Then the necrophiliac added "Yeah, and then we can have sex with it again after it's dead!"
They all nod in agreement, then turn to the masochist, who looks at them all and says "Meow."

An old man is kneeling by the bed. His wife says,

"What are you praying for?"

"Guidance," he replies

She says, "Pray for stiffness - i'll guide it in myself."

Pythagoras walks into a bar muttering "If a right angled triangle has a short side X a long side Y & a hypotenuse Z,then the square of Z must be equal to the sum of the square of X & the erm.. uh... The barman says " Y the long face ?"

A man and his friend meet at the club house and decide to play a round of golf together. The man has a little dog with him and on the first green, when the man holes out a 20 foot putt, the little dog starts to yip and stands up on its hind legs.
The friend is quite amazed at this clever trick and says, "That dog is quite talented! What does he do if you miss a putt?"
"He does somersaults," says the man.
"Somersaults?!" says the friend, "That's incredible. How many does he do?"
"Hmmm," says the man. "That depends on how hard I kick him in the ass."

A newly married couple arrive at an hotel and ask for the honeymoon suite.
"Do you have reservations?" asks the receptionist.
"Just the one", replies the groom. "She doesn't take it up the arse."

As I got on the bus today a woman shrieked, "Oh my god! I can see your penis."

"I knew it, thank you," I replied putting it away, "my ex-girlfriend posted on Facebook last night that it's that small nobody could see it."

A drunk was staggering along through the park when he saw a man doing push-ups.
He yelled "I think you ought to know pal, your girlfriend has pissed off home."

Always remember i before e. Unless your running a feisty heist at a weird neighbours.

Apparently when you spend £5 on a coffee in Costa you get a free mug.

Just stop by the nearest mirror to see it.

Japan has banned all animal transport after discovering some nibbled beds in Tokyo.
They think it could be a case of Futon Mouse.