Jokes

I was watching Jurassic park the other day, when I thought, "Not only does my son have a stupid name, but he's also a shit driver".
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There were two old men sitting on a park bench passing the day away talking. One old man asked the other "How is your wife??"
The other replied "I think she is Dead!"
"What do you mean you THINK she is dead???"
"Well.... the sex is the same but the dishes are starting to pile up."

Oral sex,a taste of things to come.

A blonde buys a handgun at a local pawn shop because she thinks her husband is
cheating on her. When she gets home, she finds her husband in bed with a woman.
The Blonde grabs the gun out of her purse, loads it and points it at her own head.
Her husband seeing this starts screaming at her not to
Shoot.
The blonde replies "Shut up stupid! You're next!"

Do you know what a yankee is?

Same thing as a quickie, except it's DIY.

Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first goes in to see the counselor, who tells him to take Math, History, and Logic.
"What's Logic?" the first redneck asks.
The professor answers by saying, "Let me give you an example."
"Do you own a weedeater?"
"I sure do."
"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.
"That's real good!" says the redneck.
The professor continues, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house."
Impressed, the redneck says, "Amazin!"
"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."
"That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!" The redneck is obviously catching on.
"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.
"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I can't wait to take that logic class!!"
The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walks back into the hallway, where his friend is still waiting.
"So what classes are ya takin'?" asks the friend.
"Math, History, and Logic!" replies the first redneck.
"What in tarnation is logic???" asked his friend.
"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weedeater?" asked the first redneck.
"No," his friend replied.
"Fag."

How to tell the sex of the common housefly

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
'What are you doing?' she asked.
'Hunting Flies' he responded.
'Oh. Killing any?' she asked.
'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied.

Intrigued, she asked, 'How can you tell them apart?'

He responded,
'3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone.'

And that's when he got in trouble...

Two drunks were sitting at the bar, staring into their drinks. One said:

"Hey have you ever seen an ice cube with a hole in it before?"

The other said: "Sure. I've been married to one for sixteen years."

The eleven Scots who lost to Belgium in the World Cup Qualifying match say they are behind manager Craig Levein 110%.That's 10% each.

There was an old priest who got sick of people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery.
One Sunday in the pulpit he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery,I will quit!"
Well,everyone liked him,so they came up with a code word.
Someone who had committed adultery would say they had 'Fallen'
This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well,until the priest died at a ripe old age.
After about a week the new priest arrived,he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.
The priest said to the Mayor, "You have to do something about them sidewalks in the the town,when people come to confessional,they keep talking about having Fallen."
The Mayor started to laugh,realizing that nobody had told the new priest about the code word.
Before the Mayor could explain,the priest shook an accusing finger towards the Mayor and said, "I don't know what your laughing about,you wife fell three times this week."

You know you were drunk last night when you cooked pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees.

Q:What do you call an epileptic in a vegetable garden?
A:Seizure Salad

A man goes for a job interview at the local council. The interviewer asks him, "Have you been in the armed forces?"

"Yes", he says, "I was in Afghanistan"

"Are you disabled in any way?"

"Yes a landmine blew my testicles off"

"Excellent. You're hired. The hours are from 8am to 4am. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10am."

The guy looks puzzled and asks, "If the hours are from 8am to 4am, why do you want me to come in at 10am.?"

"This is the council", the interviewer explains. "For the first two hours we sit around scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that"