Jokes

One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.

The doctor askes her what had happened.

She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I mistakanly picked up the iron instead of the phone.

"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other."

"The bastard called again"

An out of towner drove his car in a ditch in a desolate area.
Luckily,a local farmer came to his aid with his big strong horse named Buddy.
He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled,"Pull Nellie,Pull! Buddy didn't move.
The farmer then hollered,"Pull Buster,Pull!" Buddy didn't respond.
Once more the farmer commanded,"Pull Coco,Pull!"still nothing.
Then,the farmer nonchalantly said,"Pull Buddy,Pull,"and the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch!
The motorists was most appreciative and very curious,he asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.
"Well....Buddy is blind,and if he thought he was the only one pulling,he wouldn't even fucking try!"

A cucumber, an olive and a penis are talking.

The cucumber says "I hate my life, when I get big fat and juicy they cut me up and put me in salad."

The olive says "That's nothing, when I get big fat and juicy they cut me up and put me on pizza."

The penis says "You think you have it bad, when I get big fat and juicy they put me in a bag, throw me in a cave, shut the door and leave me there till I throw up"

A man walks into a bar late one night completely knackered and dripping in sweat and orders 5 whiskeys.
"What's wrong with you?" the barman asks.
"In my car i've got a nymphomaniac - you couldn't satisfy her if you were there till christmas," he replies.
"We'll see about that," says the barman and goes out to the car park.
He has been in the car with the woman for a while when there is a knock on the window and a policeman shines his torch in.
The barman jumps up and winds down the window to talk to the policeman.
"It's all right officer,I'm just shagging the wife," he says.
"Oh,I'm sorry sir,I didn't know" it was your wife," replies the policeman.
The barman replies..."Niether did I 'till you shone your tourch!"

As you may know, the Albuquerque housing market is becoming
as tight as the one in Denver. My friend Chuck, after searching for
months, found the perfect place. Family neighborhood, garden/lawn,
etc. The problem was, he has a dog, and the landlord specified "No
dogs." Rather than go on searching, he decided to go stealth, and not
tell the landlord about his dog (a golden retriever).All went well for
months. Except for one thing: the family that lived downstairs had a
rabbit that they kept in a cage in the garden area. One day, the
father of the family walked into the garden to find the dog scratching
at the cage, trying to get at the rabbit.
He immediately went to the landlord and complained. The landlord
threatened to kick Chuck out. But Chuck, being quite persuasive- and
punctual with rent checks- convinced the landlord to keep him and his
dog. On the condition that that Chuck keep his dog out of the garden
area. Months went by with no incidence. However, his girlfriend stayed
home sick at his place one day. She, not knowing the garden rule, let
the dog out.
Chuck came home and, to his dismay, found that the dog wasn't in the
house. He opened the back door, and there at the steps was his dog.
Dead rabbit in mouth. Needless to say, Chuck panicked. Not wanting to
face certain eviction(and possible jail time), he took matters into
his own hands. He bathed the dead rabbit, blow-dried its hair (OK he
was desperate) and carefully placed the rabbit back in the cage.
Natural causes, right? Nothing happened.
After an excruciating week, he finally approached his neighbor one
morning on the way to work. "How is everything?" asked Chuck. "We're
moving" replied the man. "This is a sick neighborhood." "Why? What
happened?" replied Chuck. The neighbor replied: "Some sick bastard dug
up our recently deceased rabbit, washed it, combed its hair, and put
it back in its cage."

An Englishman, a Swede, and a Russian were studying a painting of the Garden of Eden.

"Look at that beautiful garden", said the Englishman. "Only an Englishman could grow a garden as lovely as that."

"Nonsense", said the swede. "They're naked and proud of it, they must be Scandanavian."

"Rubbish", said the Russian. "No clothes, no house, one apple between them, and they're told its paradise - definitely Russian."

Many woman claim that men lack imagination & creativity.They obviously haven't seen a man who has lost his bottle opener.

A man and his wife were celebrating their 50th Anniversary,so the man bought his wife a £250 see through night gown.
Later that night the wife was getting ready for bed,when she realized the night gown was still in the box downstairs.
Walking naked through the house she passed her husband who said....."Fuck Me! for £250 quid,they could've at least ironed it!"

It was the first day after Christmas vacation in a 3rd grade class.
The
teacher told the class that each student could tell the class one
thing
they got for Christmas. So, the teacher calls on a girl to come up to
the front of the class and tell everyone 1 thing she got.
"My daddy got me a Bow-Wow," she said.
The teacher tells the class that they are old enough to know the
correct
words for things without using nicknames. The teacher tells the girl
to
try again. The girl thinks real hard ........
"My dad got me a dog," she said.
She sat down and a boy got up and said, "I got a choo-choo!"
The teacher scolded him and told him to try again. The boy thought
hard
and said, "I got an electric train!!"
That boy sits down and a really shy kid gets up and sadly says,
"I got a book" The teacher feels bad for the kid and she asks,
"What was the title of the book??"
The boy thinks very hard. The class waits as the boy is thinking.
Finally, the boys face brightened and he said,
"Winnie The Shit!!"

When asked by her host if she would like another drink,the attractive blonde bowed her head slightly and said," No thanks,my husband limits me to just one drink."
"Why's that?" The host asked.
She replies...."Because after one drink I can feel it,After two drinks...Anyone can!"