Jokes

Q:What did the Mexican firefighter name his two sons?
A:Jose & Hose B

Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers arrive at a swanky New York restaurant in all there finery after performing at a charity event. While being escorted to their table, a waiter stumbles carrying a large tray of desserts and covers poor Fred from head to toe in a gooey mess of cream, jam and chocolate.
Fred clears the mess from his face, looks himself up and down and says to the waiter,
"Now look what you've done, I've got pudding on my top hat, pudding on my white tie, pudding on my tails."

There were two evil brothers. They were rich and used their money to keep their ways from the public eye. They even attended the same church and looked to be perfect Christians.

Then, their pastor retired and a new one was hired. Not only could he see right through the brothers' deception, but he also spoke well and true, and the church started to swell in numbers.

A fundraising campaign was started to build a new assembly.

All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building.

"I have only one condition," he said. "At his funeral, you must say my brother was a saint."

The pastor gave his word and deposited the check.

The next day at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back. "He was an evil man," he said. "He cheated on his wife and abused his family." After going on in this vein for a small time, he concluded with, "But, compared to his brother, he was a saint."

A doctor confided in an solicitor friend. "I have a problem," he said. "Whenever I'm at a social gathering, people tell me about their medical problems.
I don't mind giving advice, but I feel like they're taking advantage of me. Would it be legal or ethical for me to bill them?"

"Absolutely," the attorney replied. "That'll be £200."

Scientists have identified that after five years of marriage, many women develop something called "Dyson's Syndrome". They make a continuous whining noise, but no longer suck.

With modern medical conveniences coming into Russia since the USSR's breakup,many Russians still have to learn how to do things that westerners understand from modern culture.
One doctor working in an outback part of the country was visited by a old Russian man with severe constipation.
Being in a hurry,the doctor gave the poor Russian some soppositories and sent him away with a scheduled checkup in three days.
Three days passed and the old Russian man arrived back at the doctor's.
"So how did those work for ya?," the doctor asked.
The old Russian,with a look of disgust replied: "Doctor! They tasted like shit,They got stuck in my throat,and for as much good as they did me,I might as well have shoved them up my arse!"

An elderly couple on their wedding night are lying in bed.
Husband says: "I've been waiting for this night for so long."
Wife says: "I've have something I need to tell you...I'm afraid I have acute angina."
Husband says: "Your tits aren't bad either!"

A young couple are out for a romantic walk along a country lane.
They walk hand in hand,and as they stroll the guy's lustful desire rises to a peak.
He is just about to get frisky when she says,"I hope you don't mind but I really need a pee."
Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity he replies,"OK,Why don't you go behind this hedge."
She nods in agreement and disappears behind the hedge.
As he waits he can hear the sound of nylon knickers rolling down her voluptuous legs,and imagines what is being exposed.
Unable to contain his animal thoughts a moment longer,he reaches a hand through the hedge and touches her leg.
He quickly brings his hand further up her thigh until suddenly and with great astonishment finds himself gripping a long,thick appendage hanging between her legs.
He shouts in horror,"My God Mary...have you changed your sex?"
"No," she replies,'I've changed my mind,I'm having a shit instead."

One day, a blonde who lived on the 12th floor of a high-rise apartment building was out on her balcony, flapping the bedsheets to air them out, when suddenly a great gust of wind caught the sheets and sent her over the edge, plummeting to her death.. "Oh, shit!" she thought, "what a stupid way to die." Without warning, a man on the 10th floor balcony stuck his arms out into the air, catching the woman.
Delirious from shock, the woman shouted "Oh, thank you! You saved my life, thank you!" The man replied "Do you suck?" Stunned at this, the woman said "No, I don't suck!" And with that, the man let go of her. "Shit!" the woman thought as she began to plummet again. Suddenly, another set of man's arms grabbed her on the 9th floor. "Thank God!" she screamed. " I would have died except that!"
The man asked "Do you fuck?" Absolutely aghast at the question, the woman answered "No, I don't fuck!" Once again, the arms that held her safe were no longer there. Falling again, the woman thought that she would surely die. Just then, a set of arms stretched out from the 7th floor. Not believing her luck, the woman shouted "I suck! I fuck!"
"Slut..." the man said....and dropped her.

A cowboy and his new bride check into a hotel for their honeymoon.

"This here is a special occasion" he tells the receptionist. "We got married today and we need a nice room with a strong bed."

The receptionist winks and asks, "Do you want the Bridal?"

The cowboy ponders and replies, "Nope, I guess not. I'll just hold on to her ears till i break her in."