Jokes

After a drunken night out, a teenage daughter of a millionaire is woken by the family butler.
"What happened? she groaned. I've a throat like sandpaper and my head feels like concrete. I dont even recollect getting into bed."
"I carried you upstairs miss", said the butler.
"And where's my dress?"
"There was a wine stain on it. Therefore i took the liberty of removing it so it could be cleaned."
"Thanks Jenson. But i appear to have lost my underwear too."
"It looked as if it was interfering with your circulation, so i slipped them off."
"You're so kind Jenson. That was quite a night. I must have been really tight."
"Only the first time."

Q:What are the small bumps around a woman's nipples?
A:It's Brail for "Suck Here"

Q:What's the similarity between a mobile phone and a clitoris?
A:Both turn on with a touch of a finger and every cunt has one.

A blonde goes to the doctor's and find out she is pregnant with twins. She starts crying and the doctor asks her what's wrong. She replies, "I know who the dad is for one of them but I don't know who the dad is for the other one!"

There was a blonde driving in the country side when she went around the corner and saw an ocean of wheat fields. Then she saw a blonde in a row boat frantically paddling. The blonde driver yelled out, "Hey! It's blondes like you that give blondes like me a bad name and if I knew how to swim, I'd swim out there and kick your ass!"

A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner. The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black. The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes. Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red. Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time. To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes. The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?" The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV, it's a microwave!"

What's blonde, brunette, blonde, brunette, blonde, brunette? A blonde doing cartwheels.

An Eskimo was riding his snowmobile when it broke down.
He got off,and noticed a gas station nearby.
He went over,got the mechanic and brought him over to the machine.
The mechanic bent down,fiddled with the motor,looked back up and said to the Eskimo,"I think you blew a seal."
"No," said the Eskimo,"That's just frost on my moustache."

Bill's friend asked him, "Why are you getting a divorce?" He responded, "My wife wasn't home the entire night and in the morning, she said she spent the night at her sister's house." He said, "So?" And Bill responded, "She's lying. I spent the night at her sister's house!"

A husband asks his wife, "Will you marry after I die?" The wife responds, "No, I will live with my sister." The wife asks him back, "Will you marry after I die?" The husband responds, "No, I will also live with your sister."

A husband exclaims to his wife one day, "Your butt is getting really big. It's bigger than the BBQ grill!" Later that night in bed, the husband makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. "What's wrong?" he asks. She answers, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?"

A husband says to his wife, “What would you do if I won the lottery?” She says, “I would take half and then leave you.” “Excellent,” he replies. “I won $12. Here’s $6. Now get the f*ck out.”

An old joke but still makes me laugh.

A little red indian boy goes to see the big chief.
Boy: Big Chief how do we get our names?
Big Chief: Well young one, when a mother gives birth I step out of the teepee and I name the baby after the first thing I see.
Boy: How does that work?
Big Chief: Well, take you're sister. On the day she was born the first thing I saw when I looked out was the moon low in the sky, so thats why she is called 'moon hiding behind the hills'
Boy: Ah so, you named you're son 'red tomahawk' after you looked out and the first thing you saw was a bloodied tomahawk?
Big Chief: Yep thats right, anyway why do you want to know 'Two Dogs Fucking?'

Just arrived home there with the wife to find the house had been burgled. Anything that was valuable is gone!

Couldn't believe the cunt even took a shit inside the pot of stew on the kitchen. We ended up throwing half of it in the bin.

My daughter came of the netball court with a face like thunder.
"Christ Dad!," she said, "You're so embarrassing!"
"What do mean?" I protested, "I wasn't the only parent cheering."
"No. But you were the only one having a fucking wank!"

I found my wife in the back garden this morning crying her eyes out and smoking a cigarette.

"What's the matter?" I enquired worryingly.

"Oh, I'm so useless, I tried my best to give up the fags for Stoptober!", she wailed. "But I couldn't do it, I'm such a failure."

So I put my arm around her lovingly and sought to reassure her,

"There, there," I said,
"You might have failed with the fags but I'm sure you'll have no problem with Movember."

Mad Mavis was whizzing around the mental hospital in her wheelchair when she was stopped by Crazy Colin.
"Licence please" he said.
Mavis sped round him and round the next corner met Loony Les.
"Insurance please" he said.
Mavis sped off again and was then stopped by Donkey Don who was standing naked with a 9" hard on.
"Oh no" said Mavis, "Not the breathalyser again."