Jokes

A farmer is having the local preacher over to dinner and asks his son to take over the chores for the evening.
"Son" he says, "I need you to go to the barn and put the Black Bull, the Brown Cow, and the White Cow together in the big stall. When the Bull mounts one of them come to the house and let me know, but you have to be discreet about it because we're having the preacher over for dinner!"
So the boy goes to the barn and puts the Black Bull, Brown Cow, and White Cow in the big stall and waits.
About half an hour later the boy runs into the kitchen and exclaims "Pa, Pa! The Black Bull Fucked the brown cow!!"
The preacher passes out cold; when he comes to, the farmer explains to him that the boy meant to say the Black Bull SUPRISED the Brown Cow.
The farmer re-instructed the boy to go back down and when the Black Bull mounts the White Cow to run up and say that the Black Bull SURPRISED the white cow.
Another half an hour later the boy runs back into the kitchen again and this time says "Pa, Pa!! The Black Bull SURPRISED the White Cow!!"
The farmer grins and said "Oh did he really?"
The boy says, "He sure did!! He Fucked the Brown one again!!"

A magician worked on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician did the same tricks each week. However, there was a problem, the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting out the secrets in the middle of the show, "Look, it's not the same hat." "Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table." "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was, after all, the captain's parrot. One day, the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself with the parrot, adrift on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean. They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day, then another, and another. Finally, after a week, the parrot said, "Okay, I give up. Where the heck is the boat?"

Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony.
On his first day he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around.
A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and he immediately gets an erection.
The woman notices his erection,comes over to him grinning and says,"Sir,did you call for me?"
Bob replies,"No,what do you mean?"
She says,"Your must be new here,let me explain..."It's a rule here that if I give you an erection,it implies that you called for me."
Smiling,she then leads him to the side of the pool,lays down a towel,and happily let's him have his way with her.
Bob continues to explore the facilities.
He enters a sauna,sits down,and then farts.
Within a few seconds a huge,horribly corpulent,hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out off the steam towards him.
The huge man says,"Did you call for me?"
Bob replies,"No,what do you mean?"
The huge man says,"You must be new here,it is a rule here that if you fart it implies you called for me."
The huge man then easily spins Bob around,bends him over the bench,and has his way with him.
Bob rushes back to the colony office,and is greeted by the smiling naked receptionist.
"May I help you?"
Bob says,"Here's your card and your keys back,you can keep the £500 joining fee."
The receptionist says,"But sir,you've only been here a couple of hours and only seen a small fraction of the facilities."
To which Bob replies,"Listen lady,I'm 58 years old,I get a hard on twice a month,but I fart 15 times a day."

Every day at the office a man approaches a female colleague at the drinks machine, stands close to her, draws in a large breath of air and says: "Mmm your hair smells nice."
After a few weeks of this, she has had enough and complains to Human Resources. Without identifying the man, she tells them what he does and that she wants to file a sexual harrassment suit against him.The HR supervisor is puzzled,
"Whats sexually threatening about a colleague telling you your hair smells nice?"
The woman replies, "It's Mike the midget."

A man walks into a public bathroom and begins using one of the urinals.
He looks to his left and sees a very short man peeing also.
Suddenly,the short man looks up at the taller man,and the taller man is embarrassed about staring at the smaller man's penis.
"Sorry,"says the taller man."Im not gay or anything but you have the longest penis I've ever seen,especially on a man so small."
"Well,"says the smaller man,"That's because I'm a Leprechan! and all Leprechans have penises this size."
The taller man says,"Incredible,I'd give anything if mine were that long."
"Well,with me being an Leprechan and all,I can give you that wish,if you let me take you into that stall over there and screw you."
"Gee,"says the taller man,"I don't know about that......aw to hell with it,OK!"
Soon,the little man is behind the taller man,humping away.
"Say," says the the little man,"How old are you son?"
Finding it difficult to turn with the little man humping him so ferociously,the tall man says over his shoulder,"uh-uh,Thirty-two..."
"Imagine that," says the little man,"Thirty-two and still believes in 'Leprechans!!"

A woman is desperately trying to find a date. She goes to single bars, goes on singles holidays, trys online date sites but can't find mr right. Eventually in desperation goes to see a sex doctor called Dr Chang.
"Please docter, help find whats wrong with me."
"Take off all yur clothes" he orders. So She Does.
"Now get on yur hands and knees and crawl real fass away from me, then crawl real fass back to me." So she does.
He sits down behind his desk and says: "You got real bad case of Zachery disease."
"What's that" she says.
He replies, "Thats when yur face look zachery like your ass."

"You haven't listened to a word I've said,have you" Always seems like a strange way for my wife to start a conversation with me.

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked him, "What is wrong with you?"

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.

God said he was going to give him a companion and it would be a woman.

He said, "This person will cook for you and wash your clothes; she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give you love and compassion whenever needed."

Adam asked God: "What will a woman like this cost?"

God said, "An arm and a leg."

Adam said, "What can I get for just a rib?"

The rest is history.

A group of retirees are on a bus trip when an old lady comes up to the driver and complains about being molested. The driver wonders who would want to molest her, and so tells her to go back and sit down. Later, another old woman approaches and complains about molestation, and the driver tells her to go back and sit. A third old lady screams and so this time the driver goes to investigate. He finds an old man on his hands and knees, and so he asks him what he's doing. The old man says, "I'm trying to grab my toupee. Each time I grab it, it jumps and runs away screaming."

If Mark Clattenburg did indeed make a racist remark then Chelsea will be left with no optition but to make him captain.