Jokes

Q/What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers.

A/Well hung

An old sailor went to a brothel and chose a girl. As they got down to it he asked: "How am i doing?"
"Three knots" she replied.
"Three knots? what do you mean?"
"You're not hard, you're not in and you're not getting your bloody money back."

One day a man is complaining to his friend that his elbow hurts, but the surgery cannot give him an appointment to see the doctor for at least four days. His mate suggests to him that he should try the experimental new high tech medical computer in the NHS drop-in centre near his house. "That new computer can diagnose any disease faster than doctor and cheaper than any doctor. Just insert your urine and the computer will diagnose your problems and tell you what you should do. The fee is just £5.”

He was dubious but decided for just £5 he had nothing to lose, so he filled the little bottle with his urine and went to the centre. He saw the computer, poured in the urine and inserted the £5.

The computer start processing, making weird sounds and flashing. After a few seconds he heard a loud “BEEP” sound, and a piece of paper come out from the computer, which said:

“Pain in your elbow is because of you playing tennis too much. Soak your elbow in hot water. Don’t play tennis or do any weight lifting for a few weeks, take some pain killers, and if it doesn't get better in two weeks see doctor.”

He lay awake that night amazed with the computer, and wondered just how clever it really was. He quickly made up a mixture of water from his aquarium, urine from his dog, urine from his daughter and urine from his wife. And top of that he added some of his sperm. The next morning he went back to the drop-in centre, poured the liquid into the machine and insert his £5. The computer made its weird sounds and out came a piece of paper which said:

“Water in your fish tank is too cold, the water heater is faulty. Your dog has worms and needs vitamin tablets. Your daughter uses cocaine, put her into rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls and you're not the father.............

...........and if you don’t stop wanking, your elbow will never get better."

A little boy was playing with his train set. His mum was suddenly taken aback as she listened to him playing.
"All aboard for London" he said. "Anyone who wants to get off the train, then get the fuck off! Anyone who wants to get on the train, then get the fuck on!"
The mother was very upset and sent him to his room. After an hour the little boy was allowed to play again, but was told not to use bad language. The mother listened intently as he began playing again.
"All aboard for Bristol, anyone who wants to get off the train, get off!
Anyone who wants to get on the train, get on!. And if you want to know why the train is late, then ask the cunt in the kitchen."

Personal Ads Dictionary- Handy dictionary to decipher personal ads
Womans Ads

40-ish = 49

Adventurer = Slept with all your mates

Athletic = No tits

Average looking = Has a face like a Basset hound

Beautiful = Pathological liar

Contagious smile = Does alot of E

Educated = Banged her teachers

Emotionally secure = Medicated

Feminist = Fat ball-buster

Free spirit = Junkie

Friendship first = Trying to live down reputation as a slut

Fun = Annoying

Gentle = Comatose

Good listener = Borderline Autistic

New age = All body hair,All the time

Old-fashioned = Lights out,missionary position only & no BJs

Open-minded = Desperate

Outgoing = Loud & Embarrasing

Passionate = Sloppy drunk

Poet = Depressive Schizophrenic

Professional = Certified Bitch

Redhead = Bad dye-job

Romantic = Looks better by candle light

Reubenesque = Grossly fat

Social = Has been passed around like a prison porno mag

Voluptuos = Very fat

Widow = Drove first husband to shoot himself

Young at heart = Old bat

Personal Ads Dictionary- Handy dictionary to decipher personal ads

Mens Ads
4O-ish = 52 and looking for 25yr old

Athletic = Watches alot of football

Average looking = Unusual hair growth on ear,nose & back

Free spirit = Banging your sister

Friendship first = As long as friendship involves sex

Fun = Good with a remote & a six pack

Good looking = Arrogant

Very good looking = Thick as s*#t

Honest = Pathological liar

Huggable = Overweight, more body hair than a bear

Mature = Old enough to be your dad

Open-minded = Wants to sleep with your roommate

Physically fit = Deos alot of 12 ounce curls

Poet = Wrote ex-girlfriends # on a bathroom stall

Sensitive = Cries at chick flicks

Very sensitive = Gay

Spiritual = Once got laid in a cemetery

Stable = Arrested for stalking but not convicted

Thoughtful = Says "Excuse me" when he farts

Two you forgot:

Warm personality = fat

Petite = dwarf

Q. What goes blonde,brunette,blonde,brunette?
A. An Essex girl doing cartwheels.

Q. What did the Essex girl say when asked "Ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
A. "No,but I've been swung around by the tits."

A man goes up to a woman in a bar and says,"You want to play Magic?"
She says "What's that"
He replies "We go to my house and F*#K,and then you disapear."

How do you know god meant for man to eat pussy?
Why else would he make it look like a kebab.

What do you do if your girl starts smoking?
Slow down & use a lube.

A man was driving along the road when a prostitute suddenly stepped right out in front of him. The resulting collision left her lying dazed in the road. The man jumped out and ran to her aid. All the time she was moaning: "I think I'm blind, I think i'm blind."
The man held three fingers up in front of her face and said:
"How many fingers do i have up?"
"Oh god no", she cried. "Don't say i'm paralysed too."

Q. How do you make love to a fat chick?
A. Jerk off into your hand and throw it at her.

Q. What's the difference between oral sex & anal sex.
A. Oral sex makes your day, Anal sex makes your hole weak.