Jokes

Fernanda Ferrari is on trial at an ofcom 'kangaroo court'The prosecutor is outlining Fern's alledged crimes while appearing on 'the pad'."...and on the 20th blah blah blahthe defendant while wearing skimpy lingerie was making sexual gestures to the camera and..(cough cough).Fernanda begins coughing in embarrassment .Her lawyer seeing her discomfort leans across and offers Fern a throat lozenge "Miss Ferrari would you like to suck a fishermans friend ?" "Are you crazy ?"retorts Fern "Don't you think I'm in enough trouble already?"

On the eve of our anniversary my wife and I agreed that whoever woke up first in the morning should wake the other one with oral sex.
Come the morning I was up first so I slowly pulled back the covers...
... and stuck my cock in her mouth.

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After winning the Euromillions, my wife got so excited that she knocked over and smashed the TV.
At first I was a bit pissed off but then I thought, 'Don't be ridiculous ... I can just buy a new one'.
So in the end I settled on a six-foot, busty Russian teen.

A large powerfully built guy meets a woman in a bar.
After a number of drinks,they agree to go back to his place.
As they start making out in the bedroom,he stands up and starts to undress.
After he takes his shirt off,he flexes his muscular arms and says,"That's a 1000 pounds of dynamite!"She begins to drool.
The guy then drops his pants strikes a body builders pose,and says,referring to his bulging thighs,"See those,baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She is aching for action at this point.
Finally,he drops his underpants,and after a quick glance,she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door.
He catches her before she is able to leave and asks,"Why are you in such a hurry to go?"
She replies,"With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a small fuse,I was afraid you were about to blow!"

A vicar is visiting his parishioners. He knocks on a door and a little girl answers holding a cat.
"Thats a nice cat" says the vicar."What's his name?"
"He's called Stork Margarine" says the little girl.
"That's a funny name for a cat", "Why did you decide to call him that?"
"Because, when i asked my mummy what cooking fat was, she said it was Stork Margarine and when i brought the cat home my daddy said, "Who brought that cooking fat in here?"

The key to breaking into someone's house is unfortunately usually already in the house.

What is the definition of “egghead”?
It's what Mrs. Humpty Dumpty gives to Mr. Humpty Dumpty.

What do UFO's and honest politicians have in common?
They're both rumoured to exist, yet there is no evidence.

A cowboy is sitting in a outhouse toilet when he heres a noise from below. Suprised he looks down and there's an Apache indian looking up at him.
"Jesus" he shouts, "how long have you been hiding there?"
The Apache replies, "Many Moons."

Q: What did the farmer say when he read that genetic engineers were implanting human DNA into goats?

A: "Hell, I've been doing that for years."

As an airplane is about to crash,a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces,"If I'm going to die ,I want to die feeling like a woman."
She removes all her clothing and asks,"Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up,removes his shirt and says,"Here,Iron this!"

Interesting Human Body Facts


- The largest cell in the human body is the female egg, and the smallest is the male sperm.
- A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball (a bit bigger than a cricket ball).
- It takes food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
- The attachment of human muscles to skin is what causes dimples.
- The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.
- A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
- If the average male never shaved, his beard would be 13 feet long when he died.
- Men with hairless chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of the liver than men with hair.
- There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
- Side by side, 2000 cells from the human body could cover about one square inch.
- Women blink twice as much as men.
- The average person's skin weighs twice as much as their brain.
- When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate...they do the same when you are looking at someone you hate!
- Your ears secrete more earwax when you are afraid than when you aren't.
- Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
- If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
- The average woman is 5 inches shorter than the average man.
*** You looked at your thumb... Didn't you?