Jokes

I was in the mood for some kippers last night....
...So I invited some narcoleptics round my house

Two old dears,Jan & Betty,were enjoying afternoon tea.
"I've bought us a ginger sponge," said Betty.
"Jamaica cake?" asked Jan
Betty said,"No,you deaf old bitch,I said I bought it."

I've just been to see a Terrorist Rock Band called 'Bomb Jovi.'
They were brilliant,their last song,'Living on a prayer mat' almost brought the house down.

A husband and wife were keen golfers buy both were having problems with their swing. The husband had a word with the club professional who told him:
"Your grip is too tight. Loosen it so you hold the club as you would hold your wife's breasts."
He took the advice, walked to the first tee and hit a huge 300yd drive down the centre of the fairway.
"Well done" said the professional.
Next the wife goes in to see the professional.
"You have the same problem, your grip is too tight. Loosen it so that you hold the club as you would hold your husband's penis."
She followed the advice, went to the first tee but only hit the ball a few yards.
"That's ok" said the professional, "But this time let's try holding the club in your hands rather than in your mouth."

A couple took their young son for his first visit to the circus. When his father left to buy popcorn, the boy asked, "Mom, what's that long thing on the elephant?"

"That's the elephant's trunk, dear," she replied.

"No, Mom, down underneath."

His mother blushed and said, "Oh, that's nothing."

The father returned, and the mother went off to get a soda. As soon as she left, the boy repeated his question.

The father took a good look and explained, "That's the elephant's penis."

"Dad, how come when I asked Mom, she said it was nothing?"

The man took a deep breath and replied, "Son, I've spoiled that woman."

Two military cops were chasing an escaped draftee from the base.
He fled into a nearby convent where he spied a nun sitting in the courtyard.
"Quick sister, Hide me. I don't want to be drafted and the military police are after me."
The nun lifted her skirt and told the man to hide under it.
"You've got nice legs for a nun," he remarked.
"If you look a little farther," said the nun, "You'll find a set of balls. I don't wanna be drafted either."

An elderly husband and wife visit their doctor when they begin forgetting little things. Their doctor tells them that many people find it useful to write themselves little notes.

When they get home, the wife says, "Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And maybe write that down so you won't forget?"

"Nonsense," says the husband, "I can remember a dish of ice cream."

"Well," says the wife, "I'd also like some strawberries and whipped cream on it."

"My memory's not all that bad," says the husband. "No problem -- a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream. I don't need to write it down."

He goes into the kitchen; his wife hears pots and pans banging around. The husband finally emerges from the kitchen and presents his wife with a plate of bacon and eggs.

She looks at the plate and asks, "Hey, where's the toast I asked for?"

Jane met Tarzan for the first time. After some friendly flirting, she asked him about his sex life.
"Tarzan not know sex" he replied.
Jane explained to him what sex was.
"Oh, I understand. Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."
"Tarzan you have it all wrong. I will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothes and stood naked before him.
"Here", she said. "You must put it in here.
Tarzan removed his loincloth revealing a huge erection, then gave Jane an almighty kick in the fanny.
As she writhed in agony on the floor, she gasped, "What did you do that for?"
"Tarzan check for bees."

Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

There was snow mixed with the rain and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

She sleepily replied,

"Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that shit."

An Amish woman is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a traffic cop.

"Ma'am, i'm not going to give you a ticket right now, but i have to give you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy."

"Oh, i'm sorry, she replies. I'll get my husband to take a look at it as soon as i get home."

"That's fine. Another thing ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his testicles. I consider that animal abuse. Please ask your husband to take care of that right away ma'am."

Later at home the Amish lady explains her encounter with the cop to her husband.

"Well what did he say?"
"He said the reflector was broken."
"I can fix that in a jiffy. Anything else?"
"Er....i'm not sure to be honest. Something about the emergency brake?"

If you can make a woman laugh your almost there,if your almost there & then she laughs,that a different thing.

My missus was wearing a short nightie this morning as she was cooking breakfast. She went down on all fours to get the cooking oil from under the sink and got her hair caught in the pipes.
Never one to miss an opportunity, I fucked off down the pub. ..
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I walked out of a club with a girl last night.
She slipped her hand inside my jeans, squeezed my cock and said, "Yours or mine?"
I said, "That's mine."
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I got home from the pub last night and my missus said, "I can't believe how intoxicated you are."
Denying it I said, "I'm not drunk."
She said, "Yes you are."
I said, "No I'm fucking not."
She said, "Can you tell the time?"
I walked up to the clock and said, "I'm not fucking drunk."