Jokes

"I've just been on a once in a lifetime holiday."
"I'll tell you what...Never again."


A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double-entendre..
So the barman gave her one.


I met the fella who invented the crossword the other day,can't remember his name,it was P something T something R.


So I was getting into my car,and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?"
I said,"Sure,you look great,the worlds your oyster,go for it."


Beware of Alphabet Grenades...if you throw them,it could spell disaster.


This bloke said to me,"I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library."
I thought,"That's a turn-up for the books."

Since Mr Chang couldn't cook and there was no chinese restaurant nearby, he was forced to go to Paddy's Cafe for his meals.
Mr Chang loved fried rice, but was always annoyed when Paddy sniggerged at the way he said "Flied Rice."
To combat this Mr Chang took up elocution lessons to learn how to say "Fried Rice" properly, and get revenge on Paddy.
A week later he visits the cafe, sits down and says to Paddy:
"Hello Paddy. I'll have a plate of fried rice please."
"What was that" says Paddy.
"I say "fried rice, you stupid Ilish plick!"

A young girl gets married and a few days later her mother goes to visit. When she knocks on the door, she is shocked to see her daughter open it naked. "What are you doing?" she asks. "Mom, it's my LOVE dress!! Don't you like it?" I'll come back in a few weeks when the honeymoon is over" replies the mom.

When she goes back, she is shocked when once again her daughter is naked. "Now what are you doing?" "Mom, it's my LOVE dress. It keeps the marriage spicy!"

Later that night the mom decides to try it for herself. When her husband comes home, he gives the same reaction: "Honey, what are you doing?" she give him the same answer her daughter gave her, "It's my LOVE dress! What do you think of it?" Her husband thinks long and hard and says, "I think you should have ironed it!"

I phoned my local gym and asked if they could teach me how to do the splits.
He said,"How flexible are you?" I said "I can't make Tuesday."

So I went to the dentist...He said,"Say Aaahh." I said,"Why?" He said,"My dog just died."

The price of hearing aids has gone up.
Deaf people across the country are going,"HOW MUCH?"

Apparently 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese,and there are 5 people in my family,so it must be one of them.
It's either my Dad,or my older brother Colin,or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Cho,but I think it's my older brother Colin.

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah,I thought to meself,"He's trying to pull a fast one."

So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley.
She said,"Tenpin?" I said,"No,it's a permanent job."

So,a lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.
It was a Turtle disaster...

A young Native American woman went to the doctors for her first ever physical exam. After checking all her vitals, the doctor said:
" Well ma'am, you're in fine health, but i did notice one anomally."
"Oh, whats that doctor?"
"Well, you have no nipples."
"None of the people in my tribe have nipples."
"That's amazing, I'd like to write this up for The Journal of Medicine, if you don't mind."
"Not at all." she replies.
"First of all, how many people are in your tribe?"
"Approximately 500."she replies.
"And what is the name of your tribe."
"We're called the Indiannippleless Five Hundred."

Some bloke walked up to the counter and said, "Burger and chips, please."
"Certainly, Sir," I replied. "Are you eating in or taking out?"
"Fuck off you cunt," he snapped, before walking off with his food.
I love working in the prison canteen.
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Had a very embarrassing moment over dinner when my testicles fell out... They've made up now.
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When I was a child, my dad tried to force-feed me.
After a while, my mum said, "Just use a fucking spoon, Dave. You're not a Jedi."
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I'm always frank with my sexual partners.
Don't want them knowing my real name, do I?

Definition of a bastard: a guy who makes love to a woman all night with a four inch dick, then kisses her goodbye in the morning with a six inch tongue.

What is the definition of Indefinitely?
Well, when your balls are slapping against the back of her arse,I'd say you're in definitely.

What do rhubarb and cocks have in common?
Both are long, thin, covered in skin, pink in the middle and go in tarts.

What do get get if you cross a chicken with a dog?
Pooched eggs

What do you get if you cross a elephant with a budgie?
A bird with a very dirty cage.

What do you get if you cross a elephant with a spider?
I don't know, but if crawls across your ceiling you'd better watch out!

What do you get if you cross a cow with a carpet?
A thick pile all over the floor

I said to the chemist,"Can I have some sleeping pill for the wife?"
He said,"Why." I said, "She keeps waking up."

My wife is a sex object - Every time I ask for sex,she objects

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law.
Me neighbour said,"Aren't you going to help? I said,"No,six should be enough."

The wife's mother said,"When your dead,I'll dance on your grave."
I said,"Good,I'm being buried at sea."

A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, She sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?" "Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"