Jokes

Larry Hagman Dead, I'm not falling for that one again...
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A kick in the balls is above 9000 units of pain, which is similar to giving birth to 161 kids and breaking up to 3210 bones at a time.
So, shove that up your arse, women.
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If you have never visited a lost property department you dont know what your missing.

Woman walks past a pet shop with a sign reading..'FOR SALE CLITORIS LICKING FROG'
She goes in and the shopkeeper says,"Bonjour Madame."

Tampax have replaced the strings on their tampons with a piece of Tinsel.....
They say It's only for the Christmas period.

Larry la Prise who wrote the 'Hokey Cokey' has died aged 93.
The worse part was getting him in the coffin.
They put his left leg in,that's when the trouble started.

A man takes his new girlfriend out to dinner for the first time.
The evening is a great success and as he drops her off at her door he says:
"I have had a lovely time. You looked so beautiful, you remind me of a beautiful rambling rose. May i call you tomorrow?"
She agrees and a date is made.
The next night he knocks on her door and when she opens it she slaps him hard across the face.
He is stunned. "What was that for?" he asks.
She says, "I looked up rambling rose in the encyclopedia last night and it said, Not well suited to bedding but is excellent for rooting up against a garden wall."

THE FEMALE PRAYER
Our Cash
Which art on Plastic
Hallowed be thy name
Thy Cartier watch
Thy Prada bag
In Harrods
As it is in Selfridges
Give us each day our Platinium Visa
And forgive us our Overdraft
As we forgive those who stop our Mastercard
And lead us not into Next
And deliver us from Benneton
For thine is the Cartier,the Dior and the Armani
For Chanel No.5 and Eternity
Amex

THE MALE PRAYER
Our Beer
Which art in bottles
Hallowed be thy sport
Thy will be drunk
I will be drunk
At home as it is in the Pub
Give us each our daily beverage
And forgive us our Spillage
As we forgive those that spilleth onto us
And lead us not into poofy winebars
And deliver us from Tequila
For mine is the bitter
The Chicks and the Footy forever and ever
Barmen

"What happened to the Pope when he went to Mount Olive?" "I don't know,what?""Popeye beat the shit out of him!"

This little boy goes up to his dad and he says "Dad?, What's the difference between Potentially and Realistically?" To which the father replies "Well son, go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then you ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then you ask your brother if he would sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars." So the boy goes up to his mom and asks her if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars and the mother replies "Oh my god, of course I would, he is so good looking!" So the boy moves on and asks his sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and she replies "He is so fucking fine, of course I would!" Then last but no least he goes up to his brother and asks him if he would sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars, his brother says "Of course I would, who wouldn't for a million bucks?" So he goes up to his dad and says "I think I learned the difference between potentially and realistically" "Well what's the difference?" says the father. "Well, potentially we're sitting on 3 million dollars, realistically we're living with 2 sluts and a fag!"

Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals.During the examination,the doctor was surprised to discover that both brothers had incredibly long,oversized Penises."How do you account for this?"the doctor asked,"It's hereditary,Sir."the older brother replied."I see,"said the doctor,writing in his file."Your fathers the reason for your Monster Penises?" "No Sir,Our Mother." "Your Mother?You idiot,Woman don't have Penises!" "I Know Sir,"replied the recruit."But she only had one arm, & when it came to getting us out of the bathtub,she had to manage us as best as she could."

A man was sunbathing naked at the beach,For the sake of decency he had a hat over his privates.A woman walks past & says,snickering,"If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat." He raised an eyebrow & replied,"If you weren't so ugly it would raise itself...."

A little girl cuts her hand on the playground and runs crying to the teacher. She asks the teacher for a glass of cider.

"Why do you want a glass of cider?" the teacher asks.

"To take away the pain," sobs the little girl.

"What do you mean?" the teacher asks.

"Well," sobs the little girl. "I overheard my big sister say that whenever she has a prick in her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider."

Q: What's bright eyed and bushy tailed?
A: A squirrel on crack.

Making a cup of coffee is like making love to a beautiful woman:

It's got to be hot, you've got to take your time, you've got to stir... gently and firmly, you've got to grind your beans untill they squeak and then you deposit your milk.

Fishing is like making love to a beautiful woman:

First of all, clean and inspect your tackle. Carefully pull back your rod cover and remove any dirt or gunge that may have built up while not in use. Then, extend your rod to its full length and check that there are no kinks or any wear, particularly at the base where the grip is usually applied. Make sure you've got a decent float, the appropriate bait and that there's plenty of shot in your bags.

Washing a car is like making love to a beautiful woman:

You've got to caress the bodywork, breathe softly and gently, give every inch of it your loving attention and make sure you've got a nice wet sponge.

have you heard the joke about the bike wheel?... oh, i spoke too soon

A blonde decides to go horseback riding, even though she has had no Lessons or prior experience. She selects a placid looking horse, pays her money and mounts the horse unassisted (though with some difficulty). The horse springs into action. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic rate. The blonde starts to slip from the smooth saddle. In terror she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck; but she slides down the side of the horse. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try to throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot had become entangled in the stirrup and she strikes the ground again and again. Her head is battered against the ground .. she is moments away from unconsciousness when.....


The Woolworths manager rushes out and turns it off!