Jokes

I used to make the missus come 2 or 3 times a day when we first got married.
But now she just ignores me and I have to get my own beer.
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I am such a lucky man.
My wife has just said that I can invite my sexy secretary to our house for a few drinks and have sex with her as much as I want all weekend.
Well, what she actually said was "I'm off to London this weekend with work, so you will have the house to yourself"

A man walks past an ice-cream parlour that advertises, "Every flavour ice-cream in the world."
"Bullshit" thinks the man and walks in. "Okay give me three scoops of pussy flavoured ice-cream, please."
"No problem sir" replies the assistant, giving the man three scoops in a cone.
"This doesn't taste like pussy, it tastes like shit!" says the man grimacing.
The assistant replies, " Of course it does. Try taking shorter licks."

Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path.

Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, "Ooh dad, there's one." "No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We'll just wait."

Well, a little while later, along came this really fat man. The son said, "Hey dad, he's plenty big enough." "No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait."

About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman.

The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's eat her."

"No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either."

"Why not?" asked the son.

"Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your mother."

Three old ladies are sitting on a park bench when a flasher comes by and opens his trench coat right in front of them.

The first old lady has a stroke, the second old lady has a stroke, but the third old lady can't reach that far.

"I love you loads, honeypie." My wife said earlier.
"And I love you tons." I replied.
"What, no nickname for me?" She asked, disappointed.
Sometimes I swear the fat cow's going deaf.
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I went into Starbucks today, ordered a drink, and paid the price minus the VAT.
See how they fucking like it.
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An investigation has been launched after a midget was pick pocketed earlier today.
Police are wondering how someone could stoop so low.

An Indian chief was feeling sick and called the medicine man into his tepee.
After a brief examination, the medicine man cut off a thong of elk hide from his belt and handed it to the chief, instructing him to eat one inch of leather a day.
A month later, the medicine man returned to check on the chief's progress.
The chief moaned: "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

Did you hear Händel has teamed up with Hinge & Bracket?
They've formed The Doors.

What do you call a lady with big teeth who sleeps in the afternoon?
Siesta Rantzen...

I rang up a local building firm,I said,"I want a skip outside my house." He said,"I'm not stopping you."

So I went to buy a watch today and the man in the shop said,"Analogue?" I said,"No,just a watch."

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a very thin piece of paper..
He said,"I want you to trace someone for me."

Whenever I'm in Italy I become a rickety old table...
I guess I'm a hopeless Rome antique

A woman walked into a tattoo parlour and asked for a tattoo of a turkey on her left inner thigh.
Beneath it, she said she wanted the words, "Happy Thanksgiving."
And for her right inner thigh, she said she wanted a picture of Santa Claus accompanied by the words "Merry Christmas."
The tattooist was bemused by her strange request and asked her why she wanted it.
She replied: "Because i'm sick of my husband complaining that there's nothing to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas."

I walked up to the counter in the chemist and just my luck there was a girl serving.
"Erm... Morning," I said, "I need some erm... God, this is embarrassing..."
"Don't you worry sir," she leaned in and whispered reassuringly, "I get this every day!"
I smiled back.
"Condoms?" she said.
"No," I said.
"Suppositories?" she said.
"No," I said.
"Tampons?"
"No."
"Well, it can't be that embarrassing then, sir," she said with a smile.
"Paracetamol," I said.
"Paracetamol?" she gave me a puzzled look. "£1.99 please. What's so embarrassing?"
Then I pulled out my little pink purse.
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So the world is going to end on 21/12/12 that gives us 17 days
For all you people who believe this is going to happen, then please kindly deposit all of your money in to my bank account.
You have 17 days!

My next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes....
He's a catholic converter

I'll tell you what makes my blood boil...Crematoriums!

The other day I sat on a hairdryer...
It put the wind up me

Me and my brother inherited some furniture from the local zoo...
I'm glad to say I got the lions chair

I went to the record shop and said,"What have you got by The Doors?"
He said,"A bucket and a fire blanket."