Jokes

What's the best way to get into a sleeping bag?
Wake her up first.

Sex is like hacking. You get in, you get out and you hope you didn't leave something behind that can be traced back to you.

Shag: funny word, isn't it? To a smoker it's a type of tobacco, to an american it's a type of dance, to an ornithologist it's a bird, and to you it's just a remote possibility.

Once there was this man whose car broke down. He realized after looking for help for 10 minutes that there was a small farmhouse with an old lady sitting on the porch. He told her his unfortunate story and she gladly let him in. But first she told him, ''I have three rules that you musn't break or I'll see to it that you meet justice! But since talking hurts my throat so much, I won't tell you my rules.''
She let him sleep in the laundry room. He found himself a comfortable pile of old wool sweaters. After puffing his "pillow" he realized that a pair of pants were hanging down from a clothes line over top of his new bed. Seeing that it was no big deal he pulled them down. Instantly the old lady darted into the room and said, ''YOU BROKE MY FIRST RULE!''
He was sent outside to sleep in the donkey's stable. Right beside him was a tiny donkey kicking him so much that he slapped it. In a flash grandma was there: ''You broke the second rule. Watch out.''
He was sent onto the porch to sleep. All of a sudden a big, ugly cat came along and started rubbing all over him. Being allergic to cat hair, he shaved it bald. Here came the grandma. ''You broke the third rule,'' she starts, ''I'm calling the cops.''
The cops came and requested a description of what happened. The old lady said, ''That man is a damned rapist. He pulled down my pants, slapped my ass and shaved my pussy!''

A farmer was in a bar drinking and looking all depressed.
His friend asked him why he was looking depressed and he replied, "Some things you just can't explain. This morning I was outside milking. As soon as the bucket was fill the cow kicked it down with his left foot so I tied up his left to a pole.
I began to fill up the bucket again and he kicked it down with his right foot, so I tied his right to a pole too.
As soon as I finished milkin'' him again he knocked down the bucket with his with his tail and I took off my belt and tied up his tail with my belt.
As I was tying up his tail, my pants dropped down, then my wife came out and well, trust me, some things you just can't explain!

An explorer is telliing his friends about a new tribe he's discovered in Africa- the Fukawe.
"They're pygmies" explains the explorer. "But unlike most pygmies, who live in the forests, these fellows live in the tall grasses of the plains."
"And what does the name of the tribe mean?" asks one of his friends.
"I'm not sure, but when i found them wandering through the six foot grass, virtually the first thing they said to me was,
"We're the Fukawe."

If you want to find out who's been avoiding tax, just go to Google and...
It's them..

I met a girl in a nightclub and told her, "I'm going to fuck you in my bedroom, my bathroom, my kitchen and my lounge when we get back to mine."
She replied, "Wow! Let's go - it's good to find a man with such stamina these days."
For some reason, she didn't seem too impressed when we finally got to the caravan.

An engineering student was walking across campus with a shiny new mountain bike when he was approached by a friend, also an engineering student. The friend said, "Hey, where'd you get the great looking bike?"
The first engineer replied, "Well, I was walking across campus the other day. This beautiful woman rode up to me on her bike, ripped off all her clothes, laid down on the ground and said 'Take anything you want!!!'"
The second engineer replied, "Good choice. Her clothes probably wouldn't have fit anyway!"

A native american indian girl walked into a general store and asked for some toilet paper.
"We have two brands" said the assistant, "Toilet Paper Deluxe and a cheap brand which doesn't have a name."
Not having much money, she took a pack of the unnamed cheap brand, but returned the next day to complain.
"I have found a name for your toilet paper" she said.
"John Wayne, because it's rough and it's tough, and it don't take no crap from Indians."

Steve Harvey
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ICsHscXzX...ata_player

Dave Chappelle
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VU28Pv26n...ata_player

XTra joke
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BxVH2PJ-c...ata_player

Girl:"Father,I called a man a son of a bitch"
Priest:"Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"
Girl:"Because he touched my hand"
Priest:"Like this?"(as he touch's her hand)
Girl:"Yes father"
Priest:"That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch"
Girl:"Then he touched my breast"
Priest:"Like this?"(touching her breast & twisting her nipple)
Girl:"Yes father"
Priest:"That's not a reason to call him a son of a bitch"
Girl:"Then he took off my clothes,father"
Priest:"Like this?"(as he takes off her clothes)
Girl:"Yes father"
Priest:"That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch"
Girl:"Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where"
Priest:"Like this?"(as he sticks his you know what into her you know where"
Girl:"YES FATHER,YES FATHER,YESSS FATHER"
Priest:"(after a few minutes)That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch"
Girl:"But father,he had AIDS"
Priest:"THAT SON OF A BITCH"

Rules Of Bedroom Golf:

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls.

2. Play on the course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.

4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.

6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as possible untill the owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play again.

7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival. Experienced players will normally take time to admire the whole course, paying special attention to well-formed mounds and bunkers.

8. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear, just in case.

9. The owner of the course is responsible for the pruning of any bushes that may reduce the visibility of the hole.

10. Players are strongly advised to get the owner's permission before playing the backside.

11. Slow play is encouraged, but players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace at the owner's request.

12. It is considered an outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

A Welshman, an Englishman and a Irishman were being chased by Farmer Giles with a shotgun. After 10 minutes of running they spotted a barn and ran inside.
Once inside they each hid in a old sack against the barn wall. The farmer went into the barn but did not see where they went, he was about to turn back when he saw three suspicious looking sacks. He walked forward and prodded the first sack with his gun. The Englishman inside said... ''Meow'.'
"Just cats," he thought.
He then prodded the second sack. The Welshman, hearing how the Englishman got off said... ''Woof'.'
"Just dogs," he thought.
As he walked towards the last sack, the Irishman worked out what he was going to say. As soon as the farmer prodded his sack he said... ''Potatoes!''