Jokes

A tourist couple are visiting Moscow with their russian guide Rudolph. They decide they want to visit Gorky Park, but Rudolph looks at the sky and tells them they can't as it will rain soon.

Sure enough a few hours later it starts to rain. Next day the couple want to go to Red Square, but again Rudolph looks at the sky and predicts rain. Sure enough an hour later it starts to pour down.

The next day the couple decide they want to go to the Moscow woods but again Rudolph looks at the sky and tells them it wil rain.

"It can't rain," complains the husband. "Look at the sky, there's not a cloud to be seen."

His wife remarks, "I think we'd better give the woods a miss today. By now we know that Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

F#*king Police,The woman over the road stands naked in her window watching me have a wank & i'm the pervert!

My boss just accused me of rigging up a hidden camera in the ladie's.I responded,"How can you possibly prove it was me?"He said,"I've been watching you for 10 minutes on my one."

I hate it in films when the man & woman orgasm at the same time.The only time me & a girl orgasmed at the same time,She didn't even know that i was in the cupboard.

My wife said to me,"I've just had a complaint from the neighbour.She says that a man from this address has been watching her get undressed with binoculars!"I said,"Just ignore her.Anyone who uses binoculars to get undressed is a nutter."

You can tell my girlfriends Japanese, because her pussy produces a forcefield that pixelates the air around it.

I went up to a girl in a club & said,"Do you want to have sex right now?"She said,"No"I said,"Do you even know what i said?"She said,"Yes,Do you want to have sex right now?"I said,"Yes"then got my cock out.

A woman goes to the doctor... “These hormone tablets you’ve put me on are having some weird side-effects,” she moans. “Really?” asks the doctor. “What do you mean?” “For some reason I’ve now got hair all over my chest.” “How far does it go down?” “That’s the worst bit,” she says. “All the way down to my bollocks.”

Someone broke into my house last night and took my collection of german fruit loafs.
I've reported them stollen.

Since the world ends on 21st December, I hope I'm sitting next to Sir Alex Ferguson as he will get at least 5 minutes extra time...

My girlfriend was rushed into hospital this morning. As her trolley crashed through the Emergency doors, a doctor said:
"BP is 127."
"This isn't the time to be discussing petrol prices." I shouted.

Saying's That Sound Dirty on Xmas Day, But Aren't:

"Talk about a huge breast."
"Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist."
"Phew, that's one terrific spread."
"It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?"
"Are you ready for seconds yet."
"Just spread the legs open and stuff it in."
"You still have a little bit on your chin."
"How long will it take after you stick it in."
"That's the biggest one i've ever seen."
"How many are coming."

A guy was drinking in a bar when he met up with a slim, attractive girl who was a female jockey.

They ended up in bed together, and she promised to give him tips for the race meeting she was riding at the next day.

She said she would tip him the winner of each race she was riding in by giving him a sign as she rode out of the paddock.

The next day at the course her first mount was in race two, and as she rode out of the paddock, she began rubbing both tits. The guy studied the racecard, saw a horse named Two Abreast, put £50 on, and it romped home at 5-1.

An hour later, she came out for race four, rubbing her finger around her eye. The guy studied the racecard saw a horse named Eyeliner in the race, put £50 on, and that romped home at 3-1.

For the last race, she came out standing in her stirrups and rubbing her crotch. The guy was puzzled by this and backed nothing.
Afterwards they met up and he thanked her for the two winners.

"What about Itchy Mick in the last at 20-1?" she asked.
"Damn! said the guy. "I thought you were telling me the cunt was scratched!"

A man and woman where on their honeymoon after a long and very happy courtship. On their honeymoon, they decide to take their horses through the beautiful mountain passes of Europe. As the horses were crossing a small stream, the woman's horse mis-steps and jostles the man's wife. Once across the stream, the man dismounts, walks over to the horse, and stares into its eyes. Finally, he states, "That's one." The man remounts his horse and they continue their ride.

A bit further down the path, the woman's horse stumbles when stepping over a fallen tree. The man dismounts, stares the horse in the eyes, and boldly states, "That's two!" He returns to his saddle and they move on.

As the afternoon sun began to set, the woman's horse once again lost its footing on a mossy slope. The man dismounts, moves to the woman's horse, and helps his wife out of the saddle, the man, moved to the front of the horse he stares it in the eyes and firmly says, "That's three," removes a pistol from his vest, and shots the horse dead.

The woman, quite upset at seeing the beautiful horse killed, says to her husband, "That's terrible, why would you do such a thing!"

The man stares at his wife and firmly says, "That's one!"

Three hookers were comparing notes about their customers from the night before.

"I entertained a cowboy last night," said the first.

"How did you know he was a cowboy?" asked the others.

"Well, he wore a cowboy hat, cowboy boots, and kept both the hat and the boots on all the time we were together."

"I entertained a lawyer," said the second. "I could tell because he wore a three-peice suit and held a briefcase. He wore the vest of the suit and hung onto the briefcase all the time."

"I entertained a farmer" said the third.

"How did you know he was a farmer?" asked the others.

"Well first he complained it was too dry, then he moaned it was too wet, then he asked if he could pay me in the fall."

Boobs are like Christmas trees
Fake ones are nice to look at
But real ones are the best...

You know you've become an adult when the monsters under your bed have moved under your duvet...

A busty, sweet lady came and sat beside me on the bus home, with her offering gesture, I said "Go on then, would you mind popping one out for me to suck?"
She willingly obliged, and I added "Num, num, num..."
I do enjoy a Werthers original."

A Chihuahua, an Alsatian, and a Bulldog are sitting in a park when an attractive Collie comes along.

The Collie tells them that the one who constructs the best sentence using the words "liver" and "cheese" can take her out.

"I love liver and cheese" says the Alsatian. The Collie is not impressed.

"I hate liver and cheese" says the Bulldog. Once again the Collie is not impressed.

Finally the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone. Cheese mine."