Jokes

After a few years of married life, this guy finds that he is unable to perform in bed anymore. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works.
Finally the doctor says to him "this is all in your mind", and refers him to a psychiatrist. After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink confesses, "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured."
Finally the psychiatrist refers him to witch doctor.
The witch doctor tells , "I can cure this", and throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke........ The witch doctor says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
The guy then asks the witch doctor "What happens when it's over?"
The witch doctor says "all you have to say is '1234' and it will go down. But be warned it will not work again for a year!"
The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news....... So, he is lying in bed with her and says "123", and suddenly he gets a massive erection.
His wife turns over and says "What did you say '123' for?

I responded to one of those dodgy adverts on the internet: "Sexy 19 year old. Firm tits, tight pussy, 5'9, brunette, nymphomaniac..."
After 200 miles, I finally arrived and was bitterly disappointed.
She had blonde hair...


Some women don't wash their vaginas after sex you know.
So when they want to make love again in the morning.....
I dunno if you've ever tried prising apart a cheese toastie......


At the bar, watching all the strippers pole dancing and putting their legs up passed their heads, I couldn't help but appreciate all those parents who pay to put their little girls through ballet and gymnastics just so I would one day have something to watch while I sip my beer...

Three men in heaven were discussing how they died.

The First man said: " I died of Cancer."

The Second man said, "I died From a Heart Attack."

The Third man Said: "I died of Seenus."

The first two men asked: "Don't you mean Sinus?"

"No, i mean seenus. I was out with my best friend's wife and he seen us."

A travelling salesman knocks on a farmhouse door. A young kid answers the door, and the salesman say's :

"Hi before i tell you about my products, i think you should know there's a man shagging a donkey out in your field."

The kid looks past the salesman's shoulder and shrugs and replies:
"That's my dad. He Hawwwwlways does that."


Whats the difference between a sewing machine and a girl jogging?
A sewing machine only has one bobbin.

I've been banging a drum all afternoon.
I guess that make me a sex cymbal.
(bud-um pshh)

Oxymorons are clearly misunderstood.

A woman, getting wed for the fourth time, goes to a bridal shop and asks for a white dress.

"You can't wear white," the assistant tell's her, you've been married three times already."

"Of course i can, i'm a virgin!" says the bride.

"Impossible," says the assistant.

"Unfortunately not," the bride explains. "My first husband was a psychologist. All he wanted to do was talk about it. My second husband was a gynaecologist. All he wanted to do was look at it. My third husband was a stamp collector... God how i miss him."

Sir Alex Ferguson defended his decision to leave Van Persie on the bench for today's match in the rain claiming...
"The boy could have drowned!"


"What the fuck," I shouted, "you pulled out right in front of me!"
"That was your fault," she snapped.
"I don't think so love. Look at the damage, you've buckled my front left wheel!"
"Your just being ridiculous now," she responded. "What the hell is wrong you?"
"Look," I replied. "Lets exchange details and get this mess sorted out."
"Oh for fuck sake," she retorted, "just get another trolley and grow up."


I use to go out with a girl who was gorgeous, funny, and sexy as fuck.
Then I married her...

Little Billy comes home from school and says to his dad,
"At school the boys were talking about pussy. What is pussy?"

His dad takes him upstairs, rummages through his sock drawer and gets a copy of Penthouse out. He opens it up, draws a circle and says
"There, that's it, everything in that circle. That's a pussy."

Billy nods, then says, "They were also talking about a bitch. What's a bitch?"

His dad replies, "Everything outside that circle."

The judge says to a double-murder defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."

A man from the back of the courtroom shout's out, "You bastard."

The judge adds, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."

The man from the back of the courtroom shout's out, "You bastard,"

The judge stops and says to man at the back of the courtroom,
"Sir i can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or i'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"

The man from the the back of the court stands up and says,
"I'm sorry your honour. But for 15 years i've lived next door to that bastard and every time i asked to borrow a hammer he said he didn't f**king have one."