Jokes

A tall leggy blonde met a midget at a party and although the midget was barely three feet tall, there was a definite chemistry between them. After a few drinks, they went back to the woman's house.

"I can't imagine what it will be like making love to a midget" she said, "especially with the size difference."

The midget said: "Just take off your clothes, lie back on the bed, spread your legs, and close your eyes."

The woman did as she was told and soon she felt the biggest thing she'd ever experienced inside her. Within a few mimutes she had climaxed seven times.

"If you think that was good" he said, "just wait till i get BOTH legs in there!"

Had to close my latest business venture down today.
It was an exclusive men only venue called 'The G-Spot'.
Nobody could find it...


I went to view a house on a Native American reservation:
"I like it" I said, "does it come with running water?"
He said, "fuck off, get your own wife."

A girl went out on a date with a racing car driver and was so impressed by his style that they ended up in bed.

After sex, they fell asleep, only for him to be rudely awakened when she slapped him across the face.

"What's the matter?" he groaned. "Did'nt i satisfy you when we screwed?"

"It was after you fell asleep that you got into trouble," said the girl angrily. "In your sleep, you felt my tits and mumbled, "What perfect headlights". Then you felt my thighs and mumbled. "What a smooth finish.

"What's wrong with that?" he asked.

"Nothing", but then you felt my pussy and yelled, "Who the hell left the garage door open?"

I went to school and I was taught that:
Pussy meant a cat, Sex meant a gender, Bitch is a female dog, Dick was a name, Rubber was an eraser, Head meant a part of the body and 69 was just a number,
Then I came across all you dirty bastards and my education was ruined....


Hot girls only make 2 things hard...
...your life and your cock.


Shopping at Ann Summers with the missus, she looks at this huge vibrator, looks at me and says "Wouldn't you like to be this big ?"
Our next stop was the supermarket .. Stopped at the fishmonger.. So I picked up a large haddock and said "Don't you wish you smelled this good ?"
I Think I'm in the spare room tonight ...

A golf club walks into a local bar and asks the barman for a pint of beer.

The barman refuses to serve him. "Why not," asks the golf club.

"You'll be driving later," replies the bartender.


The teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multisyllabic words, class. Does anyone have an example of a multisyllabic word?"

Little Johnny waves his hand, "Me, teacher! Oh, me, me!"

The teacher smiles and says, "Alright, Johnny, what is your multisyllabic word?"

Little Johnny says, "Mas-tur-bate."

The teacher is taken aback, but she manages to smile and says, "Wow, Johnny, that's a mouthful."

Little Johnny says, "No, ma'am, you're thinking of a blow job. I'm talking about jerking off."

Coming across a magic lamp, a man was granted one wish by the genie.

Embarrassed about his wish, he whispered it in the genie's ear.

The genie looked surprised and said: "Very well, if that's what you definitely want. Your wish will be granted at midnight."

As the clock struck twelve that night, the man heard a knock at the door.

He opened it to find two slaughterhouse men standing outside holding a rope.

"Evening", they said. "Are you the guy who wants to be hung like a donkey?"

A businessman joined an exclusive nudist colony in the country. As he was exploring the grounds, he spotted a gorgeous blonde and got an instant erection.

The blonde smiled at him: "Did you call me?"
"Sorry....? said the man puzzled.
"It's a rule here", she explained. "If you get an erection, it means you've called for me."

With that, she led him behind a bush and they had red hot sex.

An while later, he wandered into the sauna, sat down and farted. A big hairy guy appeared.

"Did you call for me?" asked the big guy.
"No", said the businessman.
"Well it's a rule here. If you fart it means you've called for me."

Before he could say anything the big guy had bent him over the sauna table, and was giving him one good and proper.

The businessman stormed off to the reception desk, saying that he no longer wanted to be a member and would like his money back.

"What's the problem" asked the receptionist. "Aren't you impressed with our facilities?"

"Yes, they're wonderful" he said. "But i'm 62. I only get an erection twice a month, but i fart 15 times a day! So no, thanks."

A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her students to ask their parents what the government is.
When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was.
His dad thought for a while and answered, ''Look at it this way: I'm the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future.''
''I still don't get it'' responded Little Johnny.
''Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it better,'' said the dad.
''Okay then...good night'' said Little Jonny, then went off to bed. In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother's crying. He went to his baby brother's crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent's room to get help. When he got to his parent's bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn't there. So he went to the maid's room. When he looked through the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid. Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud, ''OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of shit!''

Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency and no matter what we are doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They're very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur...

Seconds from Disaster : An in depth look at some of the worlds most horrifying man-made disasters,
... or a documentary about premature ejaculation?

I was out with a friend and he came over with a pair of girls.
I said to him: "They're like buses."
He said: "What? Because you wait for ages and then two come along at once?"
I said: "No, they are like buses!

An American stockbroker is in Japan for a conference. A few days into his trip, he gets drunk and solicits a japanese prostitute.

All the time he's having sex with her, the hooker keeps moaning "Nagachi ana! Nagachi ana!. He assumes that she is complimenting his technique and keeps banging away.

The next day he is playing a round of golf with a few Japanese associates. One of the Japanese men tees off and lands a hole in one.

The American trying to impress his colleagues with his prowess of the Japanese language, claps and shouts, "Nagachi ana!"

The Japanese man turns to him and says, " What the f**k you mean
wrong hole?"