Jokes

A tramp walked into a bar and ordered a drink. The barman said: "I'll have to see your money first,"

"I'm broke" replied the tramp, "but if you give me a little bottle of whisky, I'll get up on that stage and Fart "Dixie."

Thinking this had to be worth seeing the barman agreed. The tramp downed the bottle of whisky, and staggered on stage to rapturous applause. Next he dropped his pants, but then crapped all over the stage, causing the bar to empty in double quick time with disgust.

The irate barman yelled: "You said you were gonna fart Dixie, not crap all over my stage!"

"Hey" said the tramp. "Even Frank Sinatra had to clear his throat before he sang!"

Valentines Day:
Dinner: £70
Drinks: £50
Taxi: £20
Hotel: £300
The look on your face when she tells you she's on her period... PRICELESS
The look on her face when you shove it up her ass... EPIC


Just my luck, first day at the circumcision clinic and I get the sack. Hopefully I'll do better tomorrow...


Me: Do you know what we should do next week, because, you know, it's that time in Febuary?
Wife: I think I do! Tell me more!
Me: We should snuggle up, turn off the lights...
(The wife starts to get a bit excited)
...Get the kids out of the way,

and watch the Champions League!

Three men were being treated for their stuttering by a gorgeous speech therapist who, struggling to make progress, decided on a reward system as an incentive. She said that she would have sex with whoever could tell her where he was born without stuttering.

The first guy said: B-B-B- Belfast," and sat down disappointed.
The second guy said: D-D-D-Dublin," and he sat down dejected.
The Third guy said: "London"

She grabbed him and took him into the next room. Half an hour later, he came out grinning from ear to ear. Before restarting the session, she asked if there was anything any of them wanted to say.

The third guy raised his hand and said: ...d-d-d-derry

A middle-aged amourous couple, were having a night out at a classical concert. Once the concert started and the lights dimmed, their emotions got the better of them, and they started to fondle each other discreetly.

After a while she felt something wet and and sticky and realised he had come in her hand. She panicked for a moment, and figuring no one would see her in the dim light, she flung the stuff as far in front of her as she could.

It hit the second violinist on the shoulder. Startled, he wiped it off and then realised what is was.

"Hey" he whispered to the first violinist, "someone just threw me a f**k."

"I'm not surprised" he snapped. "You've been playing like a cunt all night!"

An old lady approaches a police station and observes three women in hand cuffs waiting to go in.

The old lady asks one of the women, "Why are you in line?"

The woman looks at the other prostitutes, winks and says, "We're waiting in line for a free lollipop."

So the old lady gets in line for her free lollipop. The chief of police comes out to take the girls in and notices the old lady in line. Shocked, he says to the old lady, "'You should be ashamed of yourself!"

"Let me tell you something, sonny," the old lady replies, "as long as they keep making them, I will keep sucking them!"

Was walking home from the pub last night when someone whacked me over the head with a power tool,sneaked up behind me an BOSH!!

Bill Clinton arrived at the White House for lunch with the Obamas. He stepped out of his limo carrying a small dog.
One of the secret sevice men aproached and said: "Nice dog sir."
"Thanks" replied Clinton. "I got it for Hillary."
"Nice Trade Sir!" he replied.

30 years after attending school together, two women met up at a class reunion. They were discussing their respective husbands when one blurted out: "John and i have never looked back since we got into S & M."
"You into S & M? i can't believe it."
"Yeah. He snores while i masturbate."

A man went into a brothel in America's deep south and told the madame: "I want to try something really different."
"Ok" she said, "Have you ever tried Hurricane Ellie?"
"No, can't say i have" he replied. "I'll go for that."

So he paid the money, was taken to his room and he stripped off. A few minutes later, an huge Amazonian woman came in and began puffing out her cheeks, whipping up a veritable gale.

"What on earth are you doing?" he asked.
"I'm Hurricane Ellie" she replied "and that is he wind coming from the hurricane.

Then she started beating him over the head with her giant breasts.
"What the hell is this?" he asked.
"These are the coconuts falling from the trees, hitting you on the head, it's all part of the hurricane.
Then she began pissing all over him explaining: "These are the warm rains coming from the hurricane."

With that the man jumped up, grabbed his clothes, and made a dash for the door.
"Where are you going, I'm just getting started?" she asked.
"I'm off, I'm not bloody shagging in this weather!."

Once there was a farmer. He had two teenage sons. This farmer had just inherited some of money from his brother's recent death. He couldn't decide which son he could send to college, since he could only afford to send one.
This farmer also had two ducks. These ducks were retarded. They were only two ducks on the farm that weren't normal. He told his sons that whoever could get the most money for the duck would go to college.
The sons went out in attempt to collect as much money as they could. The first son was walking down the street when he passed a man working in the yard. The man asked him if the duck was for sale, for the man loved the taste of ducks. He offered the son 10 dollars for his duck. The son decided this was very good, so he took it. He decided his brother wouldn't be able to get close to his success.
The second son was walking and passed a whorehouse. He went in and said that he didn't have any money, but he would give them the duck. One girl said fine. After they fucked, she decided that she didn't want the duck anymore. The son said he would take the duck back if they fucked again. She agreed. After they fucked the second time, the son left.
He was walking home, thinking about what to do with the duck when it broke the leash. The duck ran out into the street and was hit by a car. The lady that hit it jumped from her car and started apologizing profusely. The son insisted it was ok, but the lady said she would pay for the duck. She was in a hurry, so she gave him 25 dollars and sped off.
When the sons got home, the farmer asked the first son what he got. He proudly displayed the 10 dollars. The farmer was impressed. He asked the second son the same thing.
"That's nothing. I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and 25 dollars for a fucked up duck."

My wife said with a wink, "I'm going to make your biggest fantasy come true this Valentine's Day."
"Great!" I replied, "So you'll be taking the kids and fucking off to your mum's for a week then?"...


So now Findus have withdrawn their products because of Horse meat contamination...
What a shame.. I really liked their Spaghetti Bologneighs....


It used to cost about £50,000 to buy a stake in a racehorse...
These days you can buy a racehourse in a steak for £2.99


Rolf Harris should get a job with Findus. "Can you tell what it is yet?" ....