Jokes

Why is sex like paintballing?
Because you play hard for 30 minutes and when it's over you're all hot and sweaty and glad that you're not the one taking a shot in the face.


A motorcycle enthusiast complained that he couldn't decide wheather to by a bike with high top speed and poor acceleration, or one with lots of torque and fast acceleration but a poor top speed.
Eventually he decided to opt for the second option, because it cost a lot less. And after all "TORQUE" is CHEAP."

What do you call a donkey with three legs? A Wonkey!

A woman goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The assistant shows her a Norwegian Blue. "What about this one, its a beautiful bird and its a steal of a buy at £25.

"Why so cheap?" the woman asks.
"Well, it used to live in a brothel, and as a result turns out some pretty ripe language.
"No problem i'll take it" she said. "I'm broad-minded and it'll be good to have a good giggle."

She gets home, and once inside his new surroundings the parrot looks around and squawks, "F**k me, a new brothel and a new madam."
The woman laughs awkwardly. "I'm not a madam and this is not a brothel."

A while later her two teenage daughters arrive home.
"F**king unbelievable" squawks the parrot, "A new brothel, a new madam, and now two new prostitutes."
"Mum, tell your parrot to shut up!" the girls shout, but they all see the funny side and burst out laughing.

A while later, her husband arrives home. "F**k me, squawks the parrot, a new brothel, a new madam, new prostitutes, but the same old clients. How's it going Mike?"

(11-02-2013 00:47 )The Truth Wrote:  I have been many places,but I've never been in Cahoots.

I was at the railway station last week, and the guy in front of me at the ticket office was arguing loudly with the exasperated clerk.

"Look, mate, I can't sell you a day return to Jeopardy because there's no such place as Jeopardy"

"Oh yes there is", says the man holding up a newspaper and showing the clerk the front page headline, "and what's more, there's 5,000 jobs there!!!"

Following the discovery of the bones of Richard III, scientists are now digging up Tesco's Car park looking for his horse....


Two guys are sitting in the waiting room. One is smart and the other is an idiot.
The smart guy is called first. He goes and sits on the chair.
He is asked three questions.
1."Are you mentally challenged?"
He replies - "No, I don't think so."
2."Who is the president of the USA?"
He says - "Barack Obama."
3."What kind of job can we expect from you?"
He is trained for this question - "The finest in the country, sir."
The interviewer is very impressed. He puts him down as an immediate reference. He then calls in the next guy, the idiot.
Outside the smart guy and the idiot meet. The idiot, as usual, does not want to think. He asks the smart guy, "Please tell me all the answers." The smart guy does so, in proper order and goes away. The idiot enters the interview room. The interviewer, seeing him, gets to know that he is an idiot and so he pulls out an easier set of questions. And so it goes -
1."Do you have parents?"
As he was told, he replies - "No, I don't think so."
2."That is not possible. You must at least have a father. What is his name?"
He replies - "Barack Obama."
The interviewer, rather flustered, looks up from the questionnaire and asks the idiot, "What kind of an idiot can you possibly be?"
So comes the reply - "The finest in the country, sir."

A judge asks a defendant to please stand. "You are charged with murdering a garbage man with a chain saw."

From the back of the courtroom a man shouts, "You lying bastard!"

"Silence in the court!" The judge turns to the defendant again and says, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel."

"You tightwad!" blurts the spectator.

"Quiet!" yelled the judge. "You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill."

"You cheap son of a... " the spectator starts to shout.

The judge thunders back, " I will hold you in contempt! What is the reason for your outbursts?"

"I've lived next to that lying bastard for 10 years now, but do you think he ever had a tool when I needed to borrow one?"

One night as a couple lay in bed, the husband taps his wife on the shoulder and begins rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says,

"I'm sorry hun, i've got an appointment with the gynaecologist tomorrow and i want to stay fresh."

The husband feeling rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later he rolls over taps her on the shoulder again and says,

"Er... i don't suppose you're seeing your dentist tomorrow, are you?"

A car breaks down on the motorway hard shoulder. The driver opens his boot and lets out two old men in raincoats.

The men stand at either end of the car and start flapping their coats open and closed, exposing themselves to the passing traffic.

A police car soon pulls up. "What the hell are those two doing?" says the irate officer.

"Them?" replies the driver. "They're just my emergency flashers."


Man cannot live on bread alone - he needs a bit of crumpet too.

Little Jimmy goes to stay on his uncle's farm. One morning his aunt tells him to feed the animals, but he is in such a bad mood he kicks at the chickens when he scatters their corn. He kicks the cow when he gives it its hay, and he kicks the pig when he fills its trough.

He goes back inside the farmhouse, to be met by his furious aunt who says: " I saw what you did, For kicking the chickens you'll get no eggs this morning. For kicking the cow you'll get no milk, and for kicking the pig you'll get no bacon.

His Uncle then walks in and kicks the cat away from his chair. Jimmy looks at his aunt and says: "Are you going to tell him or shall i?"

Bill and Hillary Clinton are sat in the front row at the Yankee stadium.
The row behind them is is taken up with Secret Service Agents.

One leans over and whispers in Bill clintons ear. Clinton nods, then grabs Hillary by the scruff of the neck and heaves her over the railing.

The Secret Service Agent leans over again and says:
"Sir, i said it's time to throw out the the first pitch."