Jokes

A man from the IRS knocked on the front door of a house in redneck country. A small boy answered.

"Is your mum in?" he asked. "Yeah, she's in the backyard screwing the goat" the boy replied.

The man was appalled. "Son it's not nice to make up stories like that"
"I'm not making it up. If you don't believe me, come through and i'll show you" the boy replied.

He followed the boy through, and sure enough, through the window he could see her screwing the goat.

With a look of sheer disgust on his face, he turned to the boy and said
"My god, doesn't that bother you?"

The boy replies, "Naaaaaaaaah at all."

John o'Reilly hoisted his beer and said: "Here's to me spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night in his local pub. He went home and told his wife Mary: "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."

"Did ya now, and what was ya toast?" she replied.

"Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife." he replied. " Oh that's very nice indeed John" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into on of John's toasting buddies, who chuckled and said: "John won the prize last night, with a toast about you Mary."

She replied: " Yeah and i was a bit surprised myself. You know he's only been there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time i had to pull him by the ears to make him come!"

A Spanish baseball fan named Jose travelled to Miami and wanted to attend a big league game.

To his disappointment on reaching the ground he found all the seats were sold out. However seeing that he had come a long way, the management took pity on him and gave him a high seat by the flagpole.

When he returned to his village back home his friends asked him:
"What were the American people like?"

"Fantastic" he replied. "They gave me a special seat at the ball game and just before the game started they all stood up and sang,
Jose can you see..."

The advantage of easy Origami is twofold....

When it comes to cosmetic surgery,a lot of people turn their noses up.

I've got a front door made of sponge; don't knock it.

You invented Tip Ex,correct me if I'm wrong.

I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it.
I thought,that's aboriginal.

I'm amazed how many people go to Ascot when It's windy.
Still,hats off to them.

I was skiing through Tie Rack and fell down an 80-foot cravat.

So I said to my Mum I'm going to the funfair.
She said,"Oooooh will you go on the ghost train?" I said,"No,I'll walk."

So I rang up British Telecom and said,"I want to report a nuisance caller!" He said,"Not you again."

So I got home and the phone was ringing.
I picked it up and said,"Who's speaking please?" And the voice said,"You are."

What do you get when you cross King Kong with a bell? A ding-dong King Kong

Micky saw his big sister kissing a boy, so the next day he went up to the boy and said, "I saw you kissing my sister Mary last night."
"Oh, dear," said the boy. "If I give you £1 will you promise to not tell your mum and dad?"
"It'll cost you £5", said Micky.
"£5! That's very expensive!"
"Perhaps, but it's what all the others give me."

One of the lesser known stories in Greek mythology tells of a classic football match on Mount Olympus between the Gods and the Mortals.
The Gods thrashed the Mortals 8-0 and put the victory down to the brilliance of their new Centaur-Forward.



A man went on a fishing holiday to Scotland. Everyday the menu in his hotel was the same - Salmon for breakfast, Salmon for lunch, Salmon for tea. After a week he'd had enough and decided to leave.

As he went to check out the clerk noticed he still had another week booked. "Why are you leaving so soon?" he asked.
"Well, with the food i've been getting" he replied "I've got to hurry up river to spawn!."

I was late coming into work again and the boss was furious.
She called me into the office and said, "What's your excuse this time?"
"Slept in," I shrugged.
"For fuck's sake, at least tell me something I haven't heard before!"
I replied, "You're looking lovely today."


I'm in the missus' bad books again, and kids are now in a state of deep shock.
How was I to know there were two versions of the film Animal Farm....


What is the best thing God ever created?
The vagina...
What was the worst thing God ever did?
Put women in charge of them...

Q: What's it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear?

A: Data transfer.

Q: What is long and hard to a blonde?

A: Fourth grade.

Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm and have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated. When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital. Two dozen babies are in the ward, 23 of which are crying and screaming. One, over in the corner, is smiling serenely. A nurse comes by, and to the men's delight, she points out the happy child as theirs.
''Isn't it wonderful?'' Brad exclaims. ''All these unhappy children, and ours is so happy.''
''He's happy now," says the nurse. "But just wait until we take the pacifier out of his ass.''

A sex therapist was advising a dysfunctional male patient on the release that could be obtained through masturbation.
"Oh but i do get pleasure from my dick" he replied. "I often grasp my penis and hold it tight, it's a habit with me."
"Well i'm afraid it's a habit you'll have to shake" said the therapist.

What was Beethovens favourite fruit? BA-NA-NA-NAAAA!

Did you hear about the army nurse who went to bed eating popcorn?
She woke up with a kernel between her legs.

Q:What do you get when you cross a deer with a pickle?
A: A Dill-doe!


"Life isn't like a box of chocolates ...... It's more like a jar of
Jalapeños. What you do today might burn your ass tomorrow."


Politicians and diapers should both be changed regularly...
and for the same reason....


After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Saddam is still
alive", Saddam decided to send George W. a letter in his own writing to let him know that he is still in the game.
Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message:
370HSSV-0773H George W. couldn't figure it out so he typed it out and faxed it to Colin Powell. Colin and his aides had no clue either so they sent it to the CIA. No one could solve it so it went to the NSA and then to MIT and NASA and the Secret Service... the list got longer and longer.
Eventually they asked Mossad in Israel for help. Cpt. Moishe Pippick took one look at it and replied: "Tell the President he is looking at the message upside down."