Jokes

A bloke walks into a cocktail bar and asks for an Osama Bin Laden.
The barman replies, "Never heard of that one, whats in it?"
The bloke replies, "Three shots and a splash of water."


A young girl had not been feeling well and to her family doctor.
"Young lady, you're pregnant, said the doctor.

"But that can't be. The only men i've been with are nudists and in our colony we practise sex only with our eyes."

"Well my dear" said the doctor, "Someone in that colony is cockeyed."

On Monday morning, the teacher walked to the blackboard and noticed someone had written the word "penis" in tiny letters. She turned around, but couldn't find the guilty face. She quickly erased it and began her class.

Tuesday, she was again greeted with "penis" on the blackboard, written in larger letters. She looked around in vain for the culprit, and then proceeded with the day's lesson.

Every morning for the rest of the week, "penis" was written on the board in larger and larger letters, and each time, the teacher furiously erased it. By Friday, she'd had enough.

"That's enough," she sputtered. "I -- I can't believe this! Monday morning, I expect an explanation for this behavior!"

On Monday morning, the teacher confidently entered the classroom and found on the board: "Don't you know -- the more you rub it, the bigger it gets?"

What is the smallest hotel in the world?
A pussy, because you have to leave the bags outside.

Rick Astley walks into rehab. The receptionist says, "Get lost, you're never gonna give it up."

A bloke parks his 4x4 in a disabled parking bay in Tesco's. A trolley collector shouts, "Oi what's your disability then mate."
The bloke shouts back, "Tourettes, you f**king wanker, now piss off"

Doctors have come up with a new drug to help depressed lesbians?
It's called Tricoxagain.

Two guys are in a strip joint, one sitting in front of the other. A hot babe comes on stage and starts her act.

The guy in front hears "Oh yeah, Oh yeah!" loudly from behind him.
He turns round and says, "Oi pal, keep quiet, calm it down!"

Another babe comes on stage and joins in the stripping and once again the guy in front hears "Yeah baby... mmmm...yeah."
He turns round again and tells him to keep it down.

Another babe joins in the stripping on stage, but this time the guy in front hears silence from behind him. He turns round and says: "Hey pal, where's all your excitement now?"
"All over your back mate" he replies.

Q: What do you call a blind dinosaur?

A: Do-you-think-he-saur-us.

Tired of constant blonde jokes, a blonde dyes her hair brown. She then goes for a drive in the country and sees a shepherd herding his sheep across the road.

"Hey, shepherd, if I guess how many sheep are here, can I keep one?"

The shepherd is puzzled but agrees. She blurts out "352!"

He is stunned but keeps his word and allows her to pick a sheep.

"I'll take this one," she says proudly. "It's the cutest!"

"Hey lady," says the shepherd, "if I guess your real hair color, can I have my dog back?"

My blonde girlfriend had just finished giving me a blowjob when she looked up at me and said, "I read that if you eat pineapples it will make your spunk taste nicer."
"Really?" I asked.
"Yes," she replied, "But I've been eating a tin a day for weeks now and yours still tastes horrible."


My mate says he wants to start wearing pointy hats and protecting people's gardens.
It's what he wants to be gnome for....


I told my mate, "I had this weird dream last night about a dragon flying an old WW2 plane."
He said, "Spitfire?"
"Well of course it did mate. It's a fucking dragon."

Barnum & Bailey was transferring the circus from one town to another. The elephants were connected trunk to tail. They came along a railroad crossing and as the elephants were halfway across the tracks, a train came along and killed two of them.
Shortly thereafter, B&M Railroad received an invoice from Barnum and Bailey for $10,000. B&M immediately called Barnum & Bailey and requested an explanation for the charge, writing, "What is the cost of a new elephant?"
Barnum & Bailey responded, "$1,000 each."
B&M responded, "But, we only killed two of them!"
Barnum & Bailey said, "Yes, but you pulled the assholes out of eight others."

After talking online for the past few weeks, I finally managed to get a date with a girl which has Tourette's Syndrome...
I can't wait, I'm guaranteed to get a fuck on the first date....


I went to the doctor's suffering from a superiority complex.
He said there was nothing I could do to help him....


"Lets take more risks in the bedroom" I said to my wife
Maroon with Peach wasn't quite what I fucking had in mind!!

A guy is screwing a great looking blonde.

The girl suddenly stops, looks at him and asks, "You haven't got AIDS, have you?"

He replies, "No way!"

She hugs him and responds, "Oh, thank heavens for that!! I don't want to get that shit again...!"

A man and a woman are sitting next to each other at a bar getting drunk. The man turns to the woman and asks her why she's so down.

"My husband just left me. He said I'm too kinky in bed," she said.

"What a coincidence! My wife just left me," said the man, "she told me that I was too kinky for her, too!"

The two talk a little while longer, and finding that they have so much in common they decide to go back to the woman's house to have kinky sex.

When they get to the woman's house she turns to the man and says, "Give me ten minutes, I want to slip into something more comfortable."

She goes into the bathroom and changes into a full leather dominatrix outfit.

However, as she is coming out of her bathroom, the man is putting on his coat and walking out the door.

"What happened?" She said, "I thought you wanted to have kinky sex?"

He looks at her and says, "Well, I just screwed your dog and shit in your purse. I'm done."

There was an old man named Bozo, and all he had was a female donkey. One day he wins the lottery and gets $50,000. He doesn't know what to do with his money, so he decides to spend a night in a five star hotel. He asks for the finest room and starts going up the stairs with his female donkey. The manager sees him and asks where he's going with his donkey.
"Anywhere I go, she goes."
"I'm sorry, sir," said the manager, "but you can't take the donkey upstairs. Leave it down here with us and we'll take good care of her." So Bozo goes up to his room and opens the door. Everything is made of gold, there is a table full of food, and a huge television. He doesn't want to ruin anything so he takes his raggedy coat off and sleeps on the floor. The next morning the manager comes up to the room and asks how his night was.
''Great!'' replied Bozo. ''How much do I have to pay?'' he asks.
''One thousand dollars for the food.''
''But I haven't touched the food."
''It was right there, so you should have. Two thousand dollars for the TV."
''But I didn't even know how to turn the damn thing on!''
''It was there, so you should have. Five thousand for sleeping on the bed."
''But I slept on the floor!''
''It was there. Your total is eight thousand dollars."
''You owe me ten thousand dollars for screwing my donkey.''
''But sir, I didn't screw your donkey.''
''It was there. You should have!'