Jokes

Paramedics rescued a man who got his manhood stuck in the vacuum cleaner. The man told authorities his relationship with his vacuum cleaner was purely sexual- he didn't want any attachments.

Did you hear about when they made KY jelly millennium-compliant?
It allowed you to safely insert four digits in your date.

How can you tell if a crab is an insomniac?
It only sleeps in snatches.

What happens when you kiss a canary?
You get chirpes. It can't be tweeted because it's a canarial disease.

A man went to confession and told the priest: "I have a regular girlfriend but last week i went to her house and there was nobody at home except her sister. We were all alone and we ended up having sex."

"That's bad, my son," said the priest, "but at least you can see the error of your ways."

The man continued: "Then later that day i went to my girlfriend's office to look for her, but nobody was around except one of her colleagues. So i had sex with her too.

That's really, really bad my son."

The man went on:"Then yesterday i went to my girlfriend's uncle's house to look for her, but nobody was home except her aunt. So i had sex with her as well.

The priest made no reply.

"Father?...Father?" Realizing that the priest wasn't there, the man searched for him and found him hiding behind a wall. "What are you doing Father?"

"I suddenly realized you and i are the only ones around..."

Q: What do you call a flight attendant's vagina?

A: A cockpit.

An elderly couple sets sail on a romantic cruise. Unfortunately, as the ship leaves the dock, the wife's hearing aid falls out and rolls overboard. Then, the old couple find bunk beds in their suite. The husband sourly thinks, "Damn! She can't hear a thing AND no sex for a week!"

That night, the husband taps his wife on the shoulder and asks, "Up or down?"

She immediately throws him on the bed and makes love to him.

Night after night, she repeats this behavior every time he asks "up or down?"

When they get home, the husband goes out shopping for bunk beds to keep things spicy.

The wife returns with her new hearing aid and finds the bunk beds in the bedroom. "What in the hell did you get bunk beds for?"

"Every night I asked you 'up or down,' you made wild passionate love to me. I thought they turned you on."

"Is that what you were saying? I thought you were asking 'f**k or drown!'"

A couple were celebrating their golden wedding anniversary, but the husband had something on his mind.

"There's something that's always puzzled me about the children." he said. "I can't help noticing that out of our eight kids, Tom looks different from all the others. I know it's a terrible thing to ask, but does he have a different father?"

The wife couldn't bear to look him in the eye. "Yes it's true" she admitted. "Tom does have a different father from the other seven."

The husband's heart sank. Fighting back the tears, he said: "You have to tell me. Who is Tom's father?"

She looked at him regretfully and said: "You"

A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in.

One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie. The truck driver didn't say a word as he paid the waitress and left.

As the waitress walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, "He ain't much of a man, is he?"

"He's not much of a driver, either," the waitress replied. "He just backed his 18-wheeler over three motorcycles."

A Scotsman on a visit to New York was attending his first baseball game. After a base hit, he heard the fans roaring "Run, run". So when the next batter made a good hit, the Scotsman joined in the shouts of "Run, run."

Keen to show how quickly he had picked up the rules of the game, the Scotsman rose to his feet when the third batter slammed a hit and led the chorus of "Run, run".

The next batter held his swing at three and two, and as the umpire called a walk, the Scotsman stood up alone and yelled "Run, run"

As everybody around him began to snigger, the Scotsman sat down in embarrassment, totally confused. The person in the next seat leaned over and explained: "He doesn't have to run, he's got four balls."

The Scotsman immediately stood up and shouted: "Walk with pride, man."

Some bloke just came into my shop and said, "Why's your exit sign flickering on and off?"
I said, "It's on the way out."


"You remind me of my wife," I said to my private lap dancer.
"I'll take that as a compliment," she giggled, "is she pretty?"
"No it's just I also give her shit loads of money and I don't get any sex."


Just been threatened by a radiographer!
He said if I opened a certain envelope I'd be looking at a broken leg...

A taxidermist is on vacation in America's deep south. Feeling thirsty he decides to have a few drinks at the nearest tavern. When he enters, the conversation stops and all eyes turn to him, its full of rednecks.

Feeling decidedly uneasy, he makes his way to the bar to order a beer. The bartender serves him and says, "Ya'll ain't from these parts is ya?"

"No" replies the man, "I'm from Connecticut."
"What is it ya do up there?" asks the barman.
"I'm a taxidermist" he replies.
"A taxidermist!" the barman shouts, "Hey Zak, ya ever heard of a taxidermist?"
"No never heard of it!" says Zak.
"So, Mr taxidermist, what is it ya do exactly?" asks the barman.
"Well, i mount dead animals."
"Oh" says the barman. It's ok boys-he's one of us!"

There was a huge wreck on the freeway early one morning. Three women were killed and went to the Pearly Gates. St. Peter met them there and told each of them to be very careful to not step on a duck. They were everywhere! He told them they would be punished accordingly.
Well Lady #1 step on a duck within the first 30 minutes. So St. Peter came walking toward her with the most ugly man she had ever seen in her life and He handcuffed him to her for eternity.
Lady #2 was a little more careful and it took her until the next day before she stepped on one, but the same happened to her, she was handcuffed to the ugliest and most repulsive man she had ever seen.
Lady #3 was hoping to be so careful not to step on any since she had seen what had happened to the other two. Four weeks later she saw St. Peter walking her way with the most handsome and sexiest man she had ever seen. And they were handcuffed together for eternity, She looked at him and smiled " well I don't know what I have done to deserve such luck" He said to her I don't know about you but I stepped on 2 ducks.

A man went shopping for his girlfriend's birthday present with his girlfriend's sister. He chose an expensive pair of beige gloves and the sister bought a pair of white panties. Unfortunately in the process of wrapping, the gifts became mixed up, with the result that the parcel from the man contained the panties.

Inside was a note which read:

"Dear Susan, I chose these because i noticed you're not in the habit of wearing any when we go out. If it hadn't been for your sister, i would have chosen long ones with buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove."

"I wish i was there to put them on you for the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before i see you again.
Just think how many times i will kiss them over the coming year. I do hope you wear them on friday. Love Andy."

PS. "The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing."