Jokes

My mum came into my room this morning to find me slumped in bed with a lot of sticky tissues scattered about the place.

"What the fuck is this?!" She yelled.

I said, "I haven't been very well. I think I've got the flu."

"Well if you've got the flu, you shouldn't be masturbating so much," she said as she smugly left the room...

My mate asked me why I had a row of soaps stood on a shelf.
"They're family mate." I said.
"Family?" He asked.
"Yeah." I replied. "1st cussons, 2nd cussons....."


Police report that a man found dead had choked on a Steak and Kidney Pudding.
The coroner recorded a verdict of 'Suetcide'...


"Man feared dead after falling into massive sinkhole"
Police are said to be looking into it....

An elderly lady goes to a gynaecologist to see if there is a remote chance that she can have a baby.

The gynaecologist tells her to lift her skirt and pull down her knickers.
After a close up inspection of her vagina he says:
"Madam, you are 75 years old. Your vagina smells kipperus, which is a condition to descibe the breeding ground for kippers."
"Pardon?" she replies.

"Ok, i'll make it simple for you" he replied. You have a kipperus vagina and if you manage to have a baby it will be a miracle."

She thanks him and toddles off home to her husband.
"Well, what did the doctor say? asks her hubby.
"Not good news" she replies. "I have a kipper as a vagina and if i have a baby it will be a mackerel."

Arsenals defence

The BMA has finally weighed in on the
health care reform discussion.

The Allergists voted to scratch it,
but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it,
but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.
Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.
Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!"
while the Pediatricians said, 'Oh, Grow up!'

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness,
while the Radiologists could see right through it.
Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and
the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward,
but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.
The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas,
and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the decision up to
the assholes in Washington .

Three men are chatting in the pub. One says:
"My wife only lets me have sex once a week."
The second says: "Think yourself lucky. My wife only lets me have sex once a month."
The third says: "You're both lucky. If my missus didn't sleep with her mouth open i wouldn't be getting any at all."

Sex is the only activity where you start at the top and work your way to the bottom, while getting a raise.

I've been trying to come up with a pun about fabrics.
But it's nylon impossible....


My missus insists I put down the toilet seat whenever I've finished peeing...
Why she wants me to insult a toilet seat, I'll never know....


Some peanuts, a wafer, and milk chocolate all rolled into a bar.
The Bartender says, "This is no place for a Picnic"...

On a tour of the USA, the Pope agreed to grant absolution to three sinners.

First up was George W. Bush.
"What's your sin?" asked the pope.
"I sent lots of innocent young american soldiers to a needless war in Iraq, with loss of life."
"Kneel down" said the Pope. "I'll bless you and grant you absolution."

Next up was Bill Clinton.
"What is your sin?" asked the Pope.
"I cheated on my beloved wife Hillary."
"Kneel down, i'll bless you and grant you absolution."

When the third person stepped up, the Pope asked: "What is your name?"
"Monica Lewinsky."
The Pope stroked his chin and replied, "Hmm. Perhaps you should remain standing..."

Strolling through a fairground, a guy came to a palm reader's table.

"For £5 i can read your love line and tell your romantic future" said the old gypsy woman.

The guy agreed, gave her his hand and she took one look at his open palm and said:
"I can see that you have no girlfriend." "That's true" said the guy.

Looking again she said: "Oh my goodness, you're extremely lonely, aren't you?"

"Yes" said the guy. "That's amazing. Can you tell all of this from just my love line?"

"Love line dear? No, from the calluses and blisters."

Paddy was in court to give evidence as a witness to a head-on car crash.
The judge asked him whose fault it was.
Paddy said, "Well, as far as I could tell, they hit each other at about the same time."


A guy walks into a bar and starts pretending to shoot arrows to a few girls. One of those girls smiles and gets closer to talk: "Hey, I saw that you threw me an arrow."
"Yes, I guess I did."
"Who are you?", she asks. "Cupid throwing love arrows?"
"No, I'm Legolas killing orcs!"