Jokes

What is the difference between a blonde and an ironing board?
An ironing board's legs are harder to get open

May I offer this


Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.

“And what do you deduce from that?”

Watson ponders for a minute. “Well,

1 Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

2 Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.

3 Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

4 Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

5 Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.

But what does it tell you, Holmes?”

Holmes is silent for a moment.

“Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”

And another

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”

The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

( I knows its old but I think its funny )

I think ive got that Pig/Swine Flu !!!!!
All day ive been coming out in Rashers!



Doctors are saying not to panic if you catch swine flu...
cos theyve brought out a new Oinkment...


I'm here all week

Daughter brings he boyfriend to stay with mum and dad for the weekend. On the first night mum comes downstars looking puzzled. I just looked through keyhole into daughters room and they are laying opposite each other with their legs open. He is throwing Maltesers into her fanny and she is throwing hoopla rings onto his erection! Sounds like fun says dad, how about we have a go. OK says mum. Dad get up and puts on his coat. Where are you going says mum. Down to the supermarket for 6 oranges and a packet of polo mints!

Did you hear about the irishman who got caught shoplifting...
..They found him underneath Asda.

If Mothers celebrate Mothers Day
If Fathers celebrate Fathers Day
If Lovers celebrate Valentines Day
Do Wankers celebrate Palm Sunday!

As they walked home Piglet thought 'how lucky he was to have a friend like Pooh'. Pooh thought 'If the pig sneezes, he's fucking dead!'

One fine sunny day, Johnny and Susie were sitting on the sandbox playing, naked.
Johnny and Susie was curious, why they have different *parts*.
So, Johnny went home, and asked :
" MUM! Why does Susie have a hole and I have a stick??"
His mum replies : " Susie has a garage, and you have a Ferrari. Men park their cars in the garage when they are ready. "
" Oh... "
Susie reached her house and asked her father:
" Papa, why does Johnny have a stick between his legs and I have a hole? "
" No, Susie, that is the Ferrari! Don't let him park his Ferrari in your garage! "
"Oka...y...y"
The next day, both of them were on the sandbox again, playing naked.
Johnny exclaimed : " Oh, Susie ,let me park my Ferrari! "
Susie replied : No! "
He insisted and even tried to park his Ferrari.
And after 10 minutes Susie went home.
" SUSIE! Why are there bloods on your hands! "
" Mom, Johnny tried to park his Ferrari, so I just pulled the back wheels off. "

Have you heard that Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse are getting a divorce?

Yes, it's very sad, but Mickey went to see a divorce lawyer and explained what was
going on and why he wanted a divorce. The attorney was shocked and told Mickey
that he would have to do some checking and for Mickey to come back in a week.

The following week Mickey showed up and the attorney told him, "I've been
investigating your allegations and I don't think that you can prove that
Minnie is crazy."

"Crazy?" Mickey asked. "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she was fucking Goofy!"