Jokes

Little Tommy comes home from school and says:
"Dad, today we found out what God's name is. He's called Harold."
"Harold?" replies his father. "What gave you that idea."
"It said so in the poem" replies Tommy. "Our lord who art in heaven. Harold be thy name."


A young couple were driving down the road when they started to feel frisky. They pulled over and in an instant their clothes were off and they were all over each other, kissing and groping passionately. Then a policeman tapped on the window.

"Don't you know it's a public offence to have sex on a public highway?" he said.

Embarrassed at being caught, the couple apologized.
"Ok " said the cop, "But i'm going to have to write you a ticket."

He wrote the ticket and warned them not to do it again. After getting dressed the girl asked he boyfriend what the cop had written the ticket for. The boy replied:
"Doing 69 in a 30 mph speed zone."

What did the waiter say when Liam Gallagher ordered soup?
"You gotta roll with it.

U2's first album is being remastered without any guitars on it. For me it rather takes The Edge off.

Why won't Homer Simpson eat toast?
Because he can't bear the thought of having to spread marge.

I just watched a documentary on shovels- ground-breaking stuff.

A nun goes to the grocers and asks for 84 bananas. The store manager says he could give her a discount if she ordered a box of 100. "Ok" says the nun. "I suppose we could eat the other 16."

Why does Shane Warne never go to bed late?
So he can get up Hurley.

A man went to the doctors and said: "Do you treat alcoholics?"
"Of course" said the doctor.
"Oh good" said the man, "Get your coat on, i'm skint.

Which farmer sits on his tractor shouting: "The end is nigh, the end is nigh?"
Farmer Geddon.

I bought some cookies last week. On the packet it said: "Store in a cool place." So i mailed them to Samuel L. Jacksons house.

The special Beatles version of Cluedo is so boring. It's always Lucy, in the sky, with diamonds.

Three women are about to be executed for crimes. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.


Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."


Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.


The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."


The redhead then screams, "tornado!!" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.

By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . ."

The blonde shouts, "fire!!"

How do you make Lady Gaga cry?
Poker face.

I just made my hamster a strong coffee- I dont want him falling asleep at the wheel.

Did you hear about the new Elvis Presley-themed steak restaurants?
They're for people who love meat tender.

What do you get from a drunk chicken?


Scotch eggs!


What do you call a crate of ducks?


A box of quackers!


How do you fit more pigs on your farm?


Build a sty-scraper!


What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer?

A brick-layer!


What do you call an arctic cow?


An eskimoo!


Why did the bull rush?


Because it saw the cow slip!

Farmer Brown decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Farmer Brown. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" asked the lawyer.


Farmer Brown responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the..."


"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'!"


Farmer Brown said, "Well I had just gotten Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."


The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."


By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Brown's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."


Brown thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side."


He continued, "I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans."


"Shortly after the accident a highway patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me."


Finally, farmer Brown came to the end of the story. "The patrolman looked at me and said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are YOU feeling'?"

A man wanted to get an all-over tan before going on a date with a hot blonde. So he went sunbathing naked on the flat roof of his house, but fell asleep ending up with terrible sunburn on his penis.

Nevertheless he went round to her flat and they sat watching a movie. As the film wore on, his sunburn began to cause him serious pain.

Eventually he could stand it no longer, and excused himself to the kitchen. There he poured a glass of ice cold milk and dipped his burning penis into it. The relief was instant.

Just then the blonde, wondering what he was up to, peered round the kitchen door. "Oh" she exclaimed. "So that's how you guys load those things."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ij89w9_x8d4

I know this ain't a joke, but it made me laugh. Fuckin amazing!!!!

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".


Then they walk around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".


The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those"?


The Aussie asks with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?

Dean Martin was singing to a group of deep sea divers:
"When an eel bites your boot, and draws blood from your foot, that's a moray..."

A nudist camp is a place where the peeling is mutual.

Doctor: "Have you ever been bedridden?"
Old Lady: "Yes many times- and i've been taken over a kitchen worktop too."

What do you call a robot that always takes the longest route round?
R2 detour.