Jokes

A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. They came to a muddy patch in the road and the car became bogged. After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him.


The farmer stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepted and minutes later the car was free. The farmer turned to the husband and said, "You know, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today."


The husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the farmer, "When do you have time to plough your land? At night?"


"No," the young farmer replied seriously, "Night is when I put the water in the hole."

I was in Stratford-on-Avon yesterday, went into a pub, and in my best Shakespearean tones said "A pint of your finest ale please, Falstaff."
Bastards threw me out. Said I was bard....


Black smoke from Vatican: No new Pope elected.
White smoke from Vatican: New Pope elected.
Grey smoke from Vatican: They're burning heretics again...


I went into a pub and said to the guy serving, 'How much is a pint of lager?'
He replied, 'Five hundred and sixty-eight millilitres.'
Sarcastic barsteward....

Tom and Alf were out walking their dogs in the park when Tom started bragging about how his dog could count. Alf challenged him to prove it.

So Tom said to his dog: "Ok Rex, go count the ducks on the pond."
The dog ran off, came back after a minute or so, and barked four times. Tom said "That means there's four ducks on the pond."

Looking sceptical, Alf went down to the pond himself, and too his amazement counted four ducks. Not convinced when he got back to Tom, he said:"Let's see him do that again."

Tom once again said to the dog: "Do it again boy". The dog ran off and on it's return barked nine times. Alf went down to the pond again counting nine ducks.

Still not convinced at all Alf asked Tom to make it third time lucky.
Tom sent Rex off to the pond once more. Moments later, Rex returned and started vigourously screwing Tom's leg. Then he picked up a stick and began shaking it furiously.

"See" said Alf, gloating, "your dog can't count! He's gone nuts!"

Tom replied "No you don't understand him. He's saying, "There's more f**king ducks down there than you can shake a stick at!."

To stop lead being nicked from the roof, six of my mothers sisters spent the night outside our local church holding candles. The police didn't welcome the presence of vigil aunties.

Just bought some 007 Viagra. It makes you roger more.

Sean Connery has found his niche. She was in the back garden chatting to his nephew.

A driver was speeding down the motorway late at night when he got a police car on his tail. For a while he tried to out-race the cop but after touching 120 and still not managing to shake him off, he realized it was a lost cause and pulled over.

The cop got out and walked up to the mans car as the man wound down his window and said:
"Listen pal, I've had a lousy day, if you can come up with a good excuse as to why you were doing 120 back there, i'll let you off."

The driver pondered for a moment and said:
"Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a cop. When I saw you in my rear-view mirror, I thought you were that officer and you were trying to hand her back."

How do we know you can fit 12 people into a Honda car?
Because in the Bible it says all the disciples were in one Accord.

Which John Milton novel is about why he can't play Monopoly any more?
Pair o' Dice Lost.

Why does Harry Potter get confused between his cooking pot and his best friend?
They're both cauld-ron

How do you find Will Smith in the Snow?
Follow the fresh prints.

Why are all the short corsets kept apart from all the other items of underwear in Victoria's Secret?
The manager's a basque separatist.

A Turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree" he sighed. "But I don't have the energy."

"Well try nibbling on my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients"

The Turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him the strength to reach the tree's first branch.

The next day after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a week there he was proudly perched at the very top.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

The Moral of the Story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Did you hear about the boarding house that blew up?
Roomers are still flying.

Salvador Dali for Coca-Cola: it's surreal thing.

My mate gets the shakes whenever he tries to park his car. I think he could be suffering from parking zones disease.

A woman walks up to a cosmetic counter and asks the assistant:
"Do you have a product that will bring out my eyes?"
The assistant replies: "Have you tried meat hooks?"

I went into this joint and an Asian girl started stroking my neckwear.
Turned out it was a tie massage parlour.

A foursome was on the last hole, and when the last golfer drove off the tee he hooked his ball into a cow pasture.

He told his friends to play through and he would meet them at the clubhouse. They agreed, finished off and waited for their friend.

A considerable time later he walked into the clubhouse, bloody and beaten up. They all wanted to know what had happened to him.

He explained that he went over to the pasture but couldn't find his ball. He noticed a cow swishing it's tail, looking in obvious pain. He went over lifted it's tail and saw a golf ball soundly embedded in it's arse. It was a yellow ball so he knew it wasn't his.

Then a woman golfer came from the bushes looking for her lost ball.
Being helpful I lifted the cows tail and asked "Does this look like yours? And that's the last thing I remember."

Police are hunting a 'Knitting Needle Nutter', who stabbed six people in the backside recently,
they believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.