Jokes

In the Sistine Chapel last week:
'Now, Jorge Mario Bergoglio, you can choose your own Papal name. You can be Pope Innocent XIV, Pope Pius XIII or Pope John Paul III.'
Jorge; 'Can I be frank? I don't really like any of those.'


When I asked my girlfriend if I could fuck her in the arse, she looked at me with a wicked glint in her eye and said, "Baby, I'm happy to try anything you want me to, just so long as you'd be prepared to do it yourself... So, do you still want to fuck me in the arse?"
"Actually, I've changed my mind," I replied. "I want you to have sex with your sister."

Have you ever had a beaver curry?
It's like a normal curry but a little otter.

Someone threw a bottle of Omega-3 pills at me. Luckily my injuries were only super-fish-oil.

A man is standing in the paddock, checking his race card, when a stranger whispers to him: "Do you want the winner of the next race?"
"No thanks" says the man. "I don't think my gardens big enough."

Silvio Berlusconi angered Fiat workers in Italy by hinting that Ford makes better cars. He said he prefers to get into an escort.

I spent most of the morning searching for a U2 track, but I still haven't found what i'm looking for.

A deputy police officer responded to a report of a barroom disturbance. The "disturbance" turned out to be well over six feet tall and weighed almost 300 pounds. What's more, he boasted that he could whip the deputy and Muhammad Ali too.


Said the policeman, "I'll bet that you're also an escape artist-probably better than Houdini."


The giant nodded.


"If I had some chains," the deputy continued, "you could show us how strong you really are. But all I've got is a set of handcuffs. Why don't you see just how quickly you can break out of them?"


Once in the cuffs, the man puffed, pulled and jerked for four minutes. "I can't get out of these," the giant growled.


"Are you sure?" the deputy asked. The fellow tried again. "Nope," he replied. "I can't do it."


"In that case," said the deputy, "you're under arrest."

A young couple were about to get married. The girl explained that the reason she hadn't been keen on pre-marital sex was because she was flat chested.

"It doesn't matter" said the boy. "Sex isn't the most important thing in a marriage."

After dwelling on what he said, he made a confession of his own.
"Actually" he admitted, "below my waist, it's just like a baby."

That doesn't matter" said the girl. "like you say, sex isn't the most important thing in a marriage."

Delighted that they could be so honest with each other, they duly got married. On their wedding night, she took off all her clothes and was indeed flat as a pancake.

Then he took all his clothes off and the girl fainted. When she came round, she said: "I thought you said it was just like a baby"

"It is" he said. "Eight pounds and 21 inches."

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.


As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.


Putting her face in her hands, she moaned: "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"

Three guys - Pete, Alan, and Mick- were in the pub one night and decided to wage a bet as to which of them had the ugliest wife.

Pete said he wife was truly ugly, so the went round to his house and recoiled in horror when she answered the door.

But Alan was sure he could top that, so they called at his house. When his wife answered the door, she was so repulsive that Pete and Mick were sick on the spot.

But Mick insisted: "You ain't seen nothing yet" and took them round to his house. He opened the garage door, walked in and stamped on a trap door leading to the cellar.

"Is that you honey?" called a voice from below. "Do you want me to come out?"

"Yes" said Mick.

Should I put a bag on my head?" she asked.

"No", Said Mick, "I don't want to screw you, I just want to show you off."

I used to call my Granddad the Exorcist, because every time he came round he'd rid our house of all our spirits.

What four animals does a woman like to have in her house?
A Tiger in bed, a Mink in her closet, a Jaguar in her garage, and a Jackass to pay for it all.

In the pub I met a former soldier who has a steel plate in his head, and a prosthetic leg made from titanium.
He has become both a friend and an alloy.


A man finds his blonde wife propping up their washing machine on one side with two bricks. "What are you doing?" he asks.
"The washing at 30 degrees"

A Mafia don is on his death bed and calls his eldest son to him.
"My boy" he says. "I want you to have this family heirloom."

He pulls out a gun and hands it to his boy.
"Gee, pop" replies the son. "Y'know I don't like guns. If you wanna leave me something, why not give me your solid gold watch?"

"I see, says the don. "You don't want my gun, huh. So tell me, when you get home and find your wife in bed with the mailman, wadya gonna do? Shoot him? Or point at your watch and say "Hey buddy, times up."

A new priest was so nervous before giving his first mass that he could hardly speak. He confessed his feelings to the watching monsignor who suggested: "Whenever I feel anxious about getting up on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to my glass of water. And if i get nervous I take a sip of the vodka. It calms me down and none of the congregation is any wiser."

So the following Sunday at mass the priest took the monsignor's advice. At the start of his sermon, he got nervous, and took a swig of vodka. It loosened his tongue so effectively his nerves vanished at once. Returning to his office after mass, he found the following note from the monsignor pinned to his door:

1. Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. David slew Goliath, he did hot kick the shit out of him.
8. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
9.The Virgin Mary is not called Mary with the Cherry.
10. The Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook!

A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar... FREE BEER! FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST! So the guy asks the bartender what the test is.

Bartender replies "Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there's a woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her." The guy says, "Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there.

Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?"

He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence. The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body.

"Now" he says "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?"