Jokes

A couple had been married only two weeks. The husband although very much in love, was chomping at the bit to go out on the town with his drinking buddies.

"Honey" he said. "I'll be right back."
"Where are you going Coochy Coo?" asks the wife.
"I'm going to the pub Pretty Face for a beer"

"You want a beer, my love?" She opens the fridge door and shows him a well stocked fridge of beers from around the world.

The husband is thrown off stride, and all he can think to say is:
"Yes Honey Pie, but the pub. you know... ice cold glass..."

He hasn't finished the sentence before his wife butts in by saying:
"You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" She hands him a mug from the fridge that is so cold that it burns his fingers.

"Yes, Peachy" he replies desperately, but at the pub they have trays of fantastic delicious nibbles.... I wont be long, I promise. Okay?"

"You want nibbles eh, Pookie Pooh?" She opens the freezer and shows him chicken wings, pigs in blankets, the works.

"But Sweetie, Honey...at the pub... you know... the swearing, the dirty words and all that..."

"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? Here....DRINK YOUR F**KING BEER IN YOUR FROZEN F**KING MUG AND EAT YOUR F**KING NIBBLES, BECAUSE YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT ASSHOLE!!"

My ability to speak a bit of Latin is always at the top of my Curriculum Vitae...


In an effort to make the next budget easier for the nation, George Osborne has announced a tax cut of 7 pence a jar for vaseline...


After 25 years of having an embarrassing name, I finally decided to stand up for myself and have it changed.
No more Mr. Nice Guy...


I've just bought my new DIY circumcision kit off ebay , It was a snip at a fiver...

A young man goes to church for confession.
'Father I have sinned. Last night I met two beautiful girls. We went back to my house where we had the most amazing threesome. We had a night long sex fest and made love in every position under the sun, over and over again".
"Hmmm", said the priest, "I want you to drink the juice of 7 large lemons my son"
The young man asks "Will that cleanse me of all my sins father?"
The priest replies "No but it will sure as fucking hell wipe that bloody smile off your face you jammy little bastard".

A man is sat at a bar staring at his drink. A 6'8 thug walks up to the man, picks up his drink, downs it in one and growls, " ha loser, nice drink"
The man seeing his drink disappear suddenly bursts into tears
"Whoa", says the thug," All I did was take your drink, no need to cry like that"
Drying his eyes the man says, "Today has been the worst day of my life. I fucked up at work and got fired, I went to get my car only to find it had been stolen, I took a taxi home but left my wallet in it. I walked into the house to find my wife in bed with the neighbour and then to cap it all as I was storming out of the house my dog bit me on my dick. It was at that point that I decided to end it all, so I came in here and popped a capsule. I was watching the poison dissolve in the drink when along you came.....anyway enough about me....how's your day been?

Pete's divorce left him lonely and horny, and after three years away from the dating scene, and having treatment for depression, he was feeling nervous about starting afresh again, but with his doctor's encouragement he began dating again on a regular basis.

One Saturday night, the doctor's phone rang.
"I'm sorry to bother you at home" said Pete rather agitated. "but I just had to have your advice right away. I've met this terrific woman, we get along great, I really think she could be the one for me, everything's going great -"

"So?" interrupted the doctor, rather peeved at being disturbed.

"There's one little problem" Pete explained. I really want to take her home with me, but I can't remember from our first date whether she said she had VD or TB. What should I do?"

The doctor pondered for a moment, then advised, "If she coughs f**k her."

Four nuns were standing in line at the gates of heaven. Peter asks the first if she has ever sinned. "Well, once I looked at a man's penis," she said. "Put some of this holy water on your eyes and you may enter heaven," Peter told her. Peter then asked the second nun if she had ever sinned. "Well, once I held a man's penis," she replied. "Put your hand in this holy water and you may enter heaven," he said. Just then the fourth nun pushed ahead of the third nun. Peter asked her, "Why did you push ahead in line?" She said, "Because I want to gargle before she sits in it!"

One night after work, a man was greeted at the door by his wife in a sexy negligee.

Before he has a chance to remove his coat, she falls to her knees, yanks his fly down, pulls his dick out, and proceeds to give him a hot blow job. "Alright!" he says. "So what happened to the car?"

What was Osama Bin Laden's favourite make of trainers?
Jihaddidas.

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign reading:
IF YOU CAN MAKE THE OWNER'S HORSE LAUGH, YOU GET $1,000.

The guy goes up to the owner and accepts the deal, he goes through the back to the horse, then after about a minute comes back in the bar, leaving the horse doubled up with laughter.

"Well done" the owner says, "here's your $I,000"

A few months later the same sort of deal is posted in the bar, only this time the guy sees that you have to make the horse cry.

The guy goes to the owner and once again accepts the challenge.
He goes through the back, comes back in the bar after a minute leaving the horse bawling like a baby.

The irritated owner says: "Goddamnit! How did you do it?"

The guy replies, "The first time I told the horse I had a bigger dick than him. The second time I actually showed him!"

The Queen was on tour in one of Canada's top hospitals when she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.
"Oh my! she exclaimed. "That's utterly disgraceful."

"I'm sorry ma'am" said the lead tour doctor, but this man has a very serious condition where his testicles fill rapidly with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, they would explode and he would most likely die instantly."

"I understand" said the Queen caringly. On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blow job.

"Oh my word!" gasped the Queen. "What's happening in there?"

The doctor replied: "Same problem, better health care plan, ma'am."

A man and a woman were having dinner in a top restaurant.
Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away, noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman seemingly oblivious to it.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down and out of sight under the table. She finished her order, approached the table and said to the woman: "Pardon me ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly:
"No, he didn't. He just walked in the door."