Jokes

What's the difference between being a lion tamer and being married?
A lion tamer only gets his head bitten off once.

A blokes wife comes home from work feeling a bit under the whether and asks him to console her. So he hits her over the head with his x-box.

A man read a newspaper ad: "Dial Sexy, local rate calls" So he phoned and a woman answered: "Good evening, Dyslexia help line."

What do you call a vegan guy who likes to pleasure himself?
A non-dairy creamer.

Q: What do blondes and railroad tracks have in common?

A: They've both been laid all over America.


Q: Why is a blonde's top speed 68 mph?

A: Because at 69 she blows a rod.


A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker are exploring the jungle and are captured by a fierce tribe.

The chief tells them, "The bad news is that we've caught you, we're going to kill you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die."

The Frenchman says, "I take ze poison." The chief gives him some poison; the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and drinks it down.

The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please." The chief gives him a pistol; the Brit points it at his head, says, "God save the Queen!" and blows his brains out.

The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and jabs himself all over -- the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. Blood gushes from every hole.

The chief screams, "What are you doing?"

The New Yorker looks at the chief and says, "So much for your canoe, a**hole!"

A drunken wedding ended in a brawl and a court appearance.
The judge was having difficulty getting to the truth of what actually happened until the best man offered to highlight the facts.

"Your honour" he began, I was the best man at the wedding. It is the tradition in these parts that the best man gets the first dance with the bride. After I'd finished the first dance, the music kept going, so we kept on dancing to the second song and then the third, when suddenly the groom jumped over the table and kicked the bride right between her legs."

"That must have hurt!" exclaimed the judge.

"Hurt?" said the best man. "He broke three of my fingers!"

The National Poetry contest in the States had come down to the last two competitors, a Yale graduate, and a Redneck from Alabama.
They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word.

The word they were given was "Timbuktu." First to recite was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the mike and said:

"Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan;
Men on camels, two by two
Destination Timbuktu."

The crowd went wild. No way the Redneck could top that, they thought.

The Redneck calmly made his way to the mike and recited:

"Me and Tim a-huntin went
Met three whores in a pop-up tent
They was three, and we was two
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu."

The Redneck won hands down!

A truck carrying a load of Vicks vapour rub has overturned on the motorway. Police say there will be no congestion for 8 hours.

A TV weatherman broke both his arms and legs in a nasty fall. He had to call in from the hospital to explain about the four casts.

Who is the best babysitter in the bible?
David. He rocked Goliath to sleep.

A wife walks into the bedroom and asks her husband:
"Have you seen my flip-flops?"
"Many times" he replies. " Now for gods sake put your bra back on."

A man with no arms and no legs is waiting at a bus stop. The bus pulls up, the doors open and the driver shouts:
"Hi Pete, how you getting on."

I looked out the window just in time to see my mother-in-law slip on the ice and knock herself out on the pavement.
"Fuckin' hell." I said to the missus.
"It looks cold out there."

A guy went to a whore house and asked the lady if she had a woman that could handle 16 inches.
"Hmm," said the madam. "I'm not sure. Try the first door on the right." So the guy went inside, stuck it in, and immediately heard screams.
"It's too big! Take it out!" So he went to the madam.
"No, really. I need someone who can handle 16 inches."
"Hmm," said the madam. "Try the last door." So the guy went inside, stuck it in, and had the time of his life, surprised that there was no scream at all. In fact, he heard no sounds at all. Puzzled, he finished up and pulled out.
"Talk to me, baby."
"Moo."

An old hillbilly had three pretty teenage daughters of whom he was very protective. He used to sit on the porch, shotgun in hand, and run his eye over any potential suitors. If he didn't like the look of them, he'd send them packing.

One night all three girls were due to go out on dates. The first boyfriend drove up and announced:

"Hi, my name is Joe, I'm her to meet Flo, we're going to the show, is she ready to go?" The old man decided that the boy sounded ok and gave them his blessing.

Ten minutes later, another car pulled up. The driver called out:
Hi, my name is Freddy, I'm here to get Betty, we're going for spaghetti, is she ready?" Impressed the old man thought the boy was decent enough, and again gave them his blessing.

Ten minutes later, a third car arrived. The driver called out:
"Hi my name is Chuck..." And the old man shot him.

William Tell and his family were reputed to be keen bowlers, but all the Swiss league records were destroyed in a fire. So we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

Why doesn't Viagra work on Chavs?
Because they only get hard when they've got 10 mates behind them.

I bought a suit made from cactus. I must say I looked pretty sharp in it.

When Tim Cook took charge of Apple, I was expecting the headline to say "Cook promises to improve Apple turnover."

Did you hear about the limbo dancer who had his pockets picked?
How could anyone stoop so low.

A woman had been advised to go on a strict diet programme, but she couldn't contain her urges and would spend most of the day raiding the fridge.

As her weight rocketed, one day she went in the toilet for a number 2, and with her arse having so much flab, it jammed inside the loo seat and she found herself unable to stand up as the toilet seat was stuck to her butt. "Quick! call the doctor" she shouted to her husband, the loo seat is stuck to my butt, I can't stand up."

Her husband rang the doctor and asked him to come round asap, saying it was an emergency, but didn't explain what the problem was.

In the meantime, the husband managed to unscrew the loo seat from the bowl, but it was still wedged to his wife's butt. He suggested she go and kneel on the bed until the doctor arrived.

A short while later the doctor arrived, and the husband showed him straight to the bedroom, where his wife was kneeling on the bed.

"What do you think doc? asked the husband.

"I think it's very nice", replied the doctor, "But why such a cheap frame."