Jokes

A man walked into a bar with his arm in a plaster cast.
"What happened to you? asked the bartender.
"I got in a fight with Kelly."
"Kelly? He's only a small guy- he must have had something in his hand."
"He did - a shovel."
"Didn't you have anything in your hand?"
"I did- Mrs Kelly's tit. A beautiful thing it was too, but not much use in a fight."

A shy boy met a girl at a nightclub and wanted to invite back to his house. He asked her weather she would like to see his collection of stamps. "Huh" she snorted. "Philately will get you nowhere."

DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office that put a tax on your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money, buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous. Barbara Streisand sings for you.

REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So? ......It's not your fault he didn't stay in school. Never-the-less, ultimately you take pity on your neighbor and see that his children have milk, while you encourage him to accept responsibility for his situation and to work hard to acquire his own cows.

SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the second one. You force the 2 cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch. Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately, they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count them and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka. The Mafia shows up and takes over how ever many cows you really have.

POLISH CORPORATION: You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

FLORIDA CORPORATION: You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one. Some of the people who like the brown one best vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best-looking one.

NEW YORK CORPORATION: You have fifteen million cows. You have to choose which one will be the leader of the herd, so you pick some fat cow from Arkansas.

A distraught 18 year old girl told her mother that she was afraid she was pregnant. When a test confirmed it, her mother yelled:
"Who was the swine that did this to you? I demand to know! He must answer for his actions!"

The girl made a phone call and half an hour later a Bentley pulled up outside. Out stepped a mature, distinguished, impeccably dressed man. He was invited in and he sat down in the lounge and outlined his intentions for the girl.

"Your daughter has informed me that she is pregnant and that I am the father. I am sorry I have caused you distress, but I intend to act honourable in the matter. My personal situation dictates that I cannot marry her but I will provide for the child."

"If a girl is born, I will see she receives, two retail stores a townhouse, a beach villa and a one million pound bank account. If a boy is born, I will see he receives two factories, and a two million pound bank account. If twins are born, I will see each one receives a factory and a one million pound bank account."

"However if there happens to be an unfortunate miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point the father who had remained silent throughout, placed a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and told him. "Then you try again."

Little Johnny asks, "Mommy, where do babies come from?"
His mother replies, "The stork brings them."
Little Johnny, puzzled, asks, "Then who fucks the stork?"


What Did A Lawyer Name His Daughter?
Sue!!


Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a hooker?

A: A hooker will stop trying to screw you once you''re dead.


Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?

A: The lawyer charges more.

An Ant and an Elephant shared a lovely romantic night together, but the next morning the ant woke to find the elephant dead.
"Damn! said the ant. "One night of passion and I spend the rest of my life digging a bloody grave!"

Eyeing up a young woman who worked in the same office, the guy walked over to her and said:
"Nice sweater. Is it made of camel fabric?"
"What makes you think that? she replied
"Because of the two bumps" he grinned
Hiding her rage she replied:
"And your leather jacket, that must be made of pig leather?"
"Why do you say that" he asked.
"Because the heads still on it."

A woman was filling her tank at a gas station, oblivious to the signs above the pump, and smoking a cigarette. All of a sudden the fumes ignited severely burning her hand and setting fire to her arm.

In a blind panic she took off running and screaming down the street.
Seeing the commotion a cop leapt from his vehicle and tried to stop her, but she avoided his lunge and carried on running on screaming.

All the cop could think of to stop her, was to shoot her, which he duly did, to the amazement of the crowd of onlookers. He ran over, doused the flames with his jacket and called for an ambulance.

When later questioned by his superiors about his course of action, he explained: "My only thought was to stop her. After all she was waving a fire arm."

Sneaking back on board ship at three o'clock in the morning after a heavy drinking session ashore, a sailor was caught red handed by the chief petty officer who gave him immediate punishment.

"Here", said the CPO. "Take this broom and sweep every link on this anchor chain by daybreak."

The sailor picked up the broom and started to sweep but as he did so a tern landed on the broom handle. The sailor gestured at the bird to leave, but it refused to budge. So he grabbed the tern and threw it overboard. However a few minutes later the tern was back again on the broom handle, with the sailor once again grabbing it and throwing it overboard.

The battle of wills with the tern continued throughout the night distracting the sailor so much that he hardly got half of the chains links swept.

As dawn broke the CPO arrived to check up on the sailors progress. And he was far from impressed. "What have you been doing all night" he raged. "This chain is hardly any cleaner from when you started! What's your explanation!"

"I'm sorry sir" said the sailor. "but I tossed a tern all night and couldn't sweep a link."

Did you hear about the elephant who tried to trace his ancestors on the internet? - It was a mammoth task.

Personally I think unicorns are just horses that aren't very adept at eating ice cream cones.

I was chatting to a lumberjack in the pub the other day. He seemed like a decent feller.

Did you hear about the bailiff who worked as a bartender in his spare time? He served subpoena coladas.

Two male rooks are sitting in a bar. One turns to the other and says:
"Bred any good rooks lately?"

Sebastian Vettel has overtaken Schumacher as officially the most dirty racing driver in F1.
My God, is there no one that shameless cunt won't overtake!!!


Russian President Vladimir Putin has been nominated for a Nobel prize in Medicine for his work on clinical depression.
Apparently he can predict who will commit suicide the next week in London by just picking up his phone...


My mate suggested to me that I should do it with just one hand, because then it feels like someone else is doing it.
But all I got was a black eye when the other end of the skipping rope hit me in the soddin head...

A Texan died and went to heaven where St Peter met him at the Pearly Gates. "Show me what you got Pete" said the Texan.

St Peter opened the gates to reveal a exquisite landscape of mountains, rivers, trees and flowers. "We got that in Texas, we call it the King Ranch" said the Texan.

Then St Peter flashed up a scene of men, woman, and children, swimming, riding horses and cycling in the countryside. "Pah! we've got that too, We call it Six Flags" said the Texan.

St Peter then threw open a trapdoor to the fires of Hell and out shot a huge ball of fire, followed by a solid stream of flame sweeping over the entire area. The blinding light and heat were enormous.

"We don't have that " admitted the Texan, but we've got a guy in Houston who can put it out."