Jokes

A Geordie adored his pet dog, so when it died he decided to have it commemorated in the form of a gold statue.
He went to a local jeweller's shop and asked: "Can ya make me a gold statue of ma dog?"
"Certainly sir" replied the jeweller. "Would you like it eighteen carat?"
"No daft lad, I want it chewin a bone."

A preacher was concluding his sermon with a passionate tirade.
"If I had all the beer in the world" he roared, "I'd take it and throw it in the river. The congregation cried Amen!"

"If I had all the wine in the world" he raged, "I'd take it and throw it in the river." Amen! cried the congregation.

"If I had all the whiskey in the world" he barked, "I'd take it and throw it in the river." Hallelujah" cried the congregation.

With that the preacher sat down. The song leader then stood up nervously and announced;:
"For our closing song, let us sing hymn number 230 "Shall we gather at the river..."

I want to know which tight bastard put an S in the word lisp!

Struggling to catch prey now he had become old and slow, a lion decided he needed a novel disguise to stop his prey running away from him.

Walking along the riverbank he came across a old water buffalo pelt. He thought "If I cover myself in that pelt I can get close enough to leap out and get myself a meal, as no one takes notice of a buffalo."

Wrapping the pelt over him, he lowered himself down in the tall grass to leap out on an unsuspecting victim. Suddenly an eagle landed on a tall rock. The eagle said: "Hi Mr Lion, where did you get the pelt.

The Lion was devastated. "How did you know I was a lion?" he asked.

The eagle started to sing: "You just can't hide your lion eyes..."

Two hunters every winter went moose hunting without success.
Finally they hatched a plan which seemed fool proof in their effort to bag one- they obtained an authentic moose costume and learned to imitate the call of a female.

The plan was to hide in the costume, attract the male moose, and when he got close enough they would jump from the costume and shoot him.

Finding a decent clearing in the forest, the climbed into the costume and began giving the moose love call. Sure enough, a few minutes later a huge bull moose burst out of the forest and into the clearing and began it's charge towards them.

When the bull was almost upon them, the guy in the front said:
"Right, lets jump out and bag the critter."

The guy in the back, who had been struggling for what seemed like an age cried back: "The zip is stuck! We can't get out! What are we going to do?"

"Well" said the guy in front. "I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself."

A male transvestite escaped from police custody last week.
Officers fear he may now be abroad.

Waking The Dead - just one letter away from being the most controversial show on TV.

There's a new US cop show where all the forensic scientists are avatars. It's called CGI Miami.

A woman went to the capital of France on a wine-tasting holiday but drank too much, fell from her hotel window and ended up in a body cast. She vowed never again to get get plastered in Paris.

In a nuclear war all men will be cremated equal.

For our anniversary I took the missus out to a swanky restaurant; no expense spared.
We had champagne, lobster, croquembouche, the works.
Afterwards, over brandies, she smiled seductively and said, "When we get home I'm going to do that special thing for you that you like more than anything else in the world."
"Fuck that," I said. "I couldn't eat spaghetti bolognese after all this."


"I'll drink to that!" I shouted to the missus as I downed a pint.
"What are you going on about? I didn't say anything to you." she said
"Can you think of a better reason?" I shouted pouring another pint.

A lad from a very poor family wins £5 million on the lottery.

He goes home and hands his dad £500.

His dad looks at the cash and says: "Thanks son. This money will mean a lot to me. We've never had much in this family, we've always been poor. In fact we were so poor I couldn't even afford to marry your mother."

"What" exclaims the son. "You mean I'm a bastard?"

"Yes son, replies his dad, "and a f**king tight-fisted one at that."

Bill was one of life's great optimists. He always looked on the bright side even though his mates found it infuriating.

No matter what the situation, Bill's response was always: "It could have been worse."

In an attempt to cure him of his irritating habit, his mates decided to make up a situation so terrible that not even Bill could find reason for optimism.

So that night in the pub, one of his mates said: Hey Bill did you hear about Steve? He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, then turned the gun on himself!"

"That's awful" said Bill, but it could have been worse."

"How the hell could it possibly have been worse?" asked his mates in astonishment.

"Well" replied Bill, if it had happened the night before, I'd be dead now."

The girl in the shop told me she didn't have any 7UP.
But she's just saying that out of sprite...


I was with my girlfriend earlier. She wasn't amused when I called out "Do you want two fingers or four?" across the shop while buying her a kit-kat...


After watching Fanny Craddock's cookery program on the TV, I decided to make doughnuts.
I'm glad to say that my doughnuts looked like fannys...