Jokes

A team of archaeologists were excavating in Israel when they found a hidden cave. Once inside they found a line of symbols on the cave wall in the following order: a woman, a donkey, a shovel, a fish and a Star of David.

The archaeologists concluded that the markings dated back at least 3,000 years and spent months studying them before announcing their findings at a packed conference.

At the conference, the team leader stood up and pointing to the first symbol said:
"The presence of a woman indicates that these people were family orientated and held women in high regard.
They were clearly intelligent as the donkey indicates that they had learned to use animals to till their soil.
The shovel suggests that they had made tools to aid their work.
The fish shows that if famine occurred, they could trawl the sea for food.
And the Star of David obviously indicates they were Hebrews.

The audience applauded rapturously, until a little old Jewish college professor made his to the front of the stage and declared:

"What utter idiots you are!" Hebrew is read from right to left!
The inscription says: "Holy mackerel, dig the ass on that woman!"

David Miliband will be joining International Rescue.
In other news: Scott Tracy to stand as Labour candidate in South Shields By Election...


A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning.
The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in obvious agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him earnestly.
"Ummph, oooh, noooo... I'll be fine in a few minutes", he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.
But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and put her hands inside. She began to massage his privates.
She then asked him, "How does that feel?"
He replied still in agony, "It feels great, but it doesn't do a thing for my thumb. It still hurts like hell!"

Abu Qatada joins Alex Reid, Peter Andre and Leandro in the long list of blokes who refuse to go back to Jordan...


Four gents go out to play golf one sunny morning. One is detained in the clubhouse, and the other three are discussing their children while walking to the first tee. 'My son,' says one, 'has made quite a name for himself in the homebuilding industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful in fact, in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift.'
The second man, not to be outdone, allows how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. 'He's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a friend two brand new cars as a gift.'
The third man's son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage and in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.
As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, another tells him that they have been discussing their progeny and asks what line his son is in.
'To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased with how my son has turned out, he replies. 'For fifteen years, he's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's a practicing homosexual. But, on the bright side, he must be good at what he does because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two cars, and a big pile of stock certificates.'

What has two wings and a halo?
A Chinese telephone.

My laptop keeps playing "Someone Like You" over and over again.
Probably because it's a Dell.

Judge: "Order in court!"
Defendant: "Thank you, your honour. I'll have burger and fries.

I'm fed up with my mates promising to come to a Whitesnake gig with me and then never showing up. Here I go again on my own.

Our local IBS society put on a version of The Sound Of Music.
The most popular song was "How Do You Solve a Problem Like My Rear.

Q: What do you call a female peacock?
A: A she-c**k or pea-c**t.

One day ole Boudreax was going out in his boat. Ole Pedro ask boudreax, ''What ya got in that boat there?"
Boudreax replied, "I got Duct tape."
"What ya gonna do with duct tape?" he asked.
Boudreax replied, "Gonna catch me some ducks.''

Sure enough that afternoon, his boat was full of ducks. The next week ole Boudreax went out and Pedro said, "Hey Boudreax what ya got in the boat there?" He told him he had crab grass.
"What ya gonna do with crab grass?" asked Pedro.
"Gonna catch me some crabs," said Boudreax.
"You can't catch crabs with crab grass," said Pedro.

But sure enough that afternoon he had the boat full of crabs. The next week ole Boudreaux went out and Perdo asked, "Hey, what you got in the boat?"
Boudreaux said, "Got me some Pussywillow."
Pedro says, "Hold on man, I'm getting my hat and coming with ya."

A city guy buys a ranch. He sits on the porch of his new house taking in the fresh country air when a dusty truck pulls up.

"Howdy, neighbor!" calls the man in the truck. " I came to invite you to a little Welcome to the Neighborhood party at my place tonight. "

"Well, that's mighty fine of you," the city guy replies.

"It's going to be great," the neighbor adds. "There's gonna be eatin', drinkin', fightin', and f**kin'!"

"Sounds great," the city guy replies. "What should I wear?"

"Aww, it don't matter," the neighbor says. "It's just gonna be you and me!"

(27-03-2013 13:15 )KalEl Wrote:  After watching Fanny Craddock's cookery program on the TV, I decided to make doughnuts.
I'm glad to say that my doughnuts looked like fannys...

There was a famous real incident on her tv show where her husband, who used to appear on the cookery programme with her said, "and I hope all your cakes turn out like Fanny's" I think tv was a little more innocent in those days

An 85 year old millionaire married a 18 year old country girl. But after a few weeks she told him she was going to ditch him if she didn't get some proper shagging real soon.

Feeling deflated he had his chauffer drive him to a top specialist in the field of erectile dysfunction. After examining him the specialist gave him a special shot of Spermatozoa and said: "Now look, the only way you're going to get it hard is to say "Beep" and to get it soft again you say "Beep, Beep."

"How marvellous" the old man said. "Yes, but I must warn you it's only going to work three times before you die" said the specialist.

On his way home he couldn't resist trying it out. "Beep" he said.
His dick was hard in an instant. Impressed he said "Beep, Beep" and his dick was soft. He was over the moon with joy.

Then a car pulled past his limo and beeped it's horn to a car in the opposite lane who beeped back twice, causing him to go hard and soft again.

Alert to his predicament, he instructed his chauffer to step on the gas. Once home he raced to his young wife for his last great shag.
"Honey, don't ask any questions, just drop your clothes and get on the bed."

Ripping off her clothes, she leapt on the bed eager to be getting shagged at long last. The old man climbing on the bed said "Beep" giving him his instant erection. He was just about to put it in when his young wife said "What's all this beep, beep shit?"

Bill Gates has offered $100,000 to anyone who invents a more attractive condom.
Who is going to buy a condom from a company called Microsoft???


True men don't complain when having a cold.
Without saying a word they walk straight into the light....


While out golfing with his wife a man slices his drive hard to the right. It lands so that there is a large barn between him and the green. After much contemplation as to how to play the shot his wife suggests that they open the doors on both ends of the barn and then he can shoot straight through the barn. He agrees and takes his shot. He misses the doorway and the ball bounces back hitting his wife in the head and killing her.
Several years later the man is back playing the same course with a friend and makes exactly the same shot. His friend also suggests that he open the barn doors and shoot through.
The man says to his friend, "No, last time I tried that shot I ended up with a double bogey on this hole!”

A prominent television writer was being attended to by a very talented prostitute, who was giving him a total body tongue job, more commonly known as a trip around the world.

At the same time he was arguing on his mobile with a fellow writer over a plot twist on a new tv drama on which they were working.

The argument got so heated that the prostitute looked up from her work and complained: "For Christ's sake, argue on your own time."

The writer bellowed into his phone, "We're going to do it my way!" And then he turned to the prostitute. "And you...you keep a civil tongue in my ass!"