Jokes

Dear Diary, for my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing football 20 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named Vanessa, who identified herself as a 24 year old aerobics instructor and Model for athletic clothing and swimwear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY: Started my day at 6:00 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Vanessa waiting for me. She was something of a Greek goddess with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!! Vanessa gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring, Vanessa was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out of the door. Vanessa made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Vanessa's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Vanessa was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so Vanessa put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Vanessa told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.

THURSDAY: Vanessa was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Vanessa took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine – which I sank.

FRIDAY: I hate that bitch Vanessa more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. “Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader”. If there were a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Vanessa wanted me to work on my triceps I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the F***NG Barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY: Vanessa left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, my wife (the bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a vasectomy.

What kinds of people don't get invited to blonde parties?
Women!


How do you get a blonde on the roof?
....tell her drinks are on the house.


Why doesn't Osama bin Laden have sex with his five wives?
Because every time he spreads their legs he sees Bush.


What do Osama bin Laden and crabs have in common?
They both irritate Bush.


What is Bill Clinton's favorite instrument?

The WhoreMonica!

Women are good for 70 things, sandwiches and 69....


"Pope to wash young offenders' feet"
I guess after the failings of prayer, the church has resorted to a more primitive method to cleanse peoples soles....


Pussy is not like weed. If you can smell it from across the room, then it isn't the good shit....


My next door neighbour has spent all weekend covering all his possessions completely in a thin coat of plastic.
I think he may be a member of the illaminati....

A man went to confession and admitted that for years he had been stealing supplies from the timber yard where he worked.

"What did you take?" asked the priest.

"Enough to build my own house, a house for my son, houses for my two daughters, and a country cottage by the river.

"This is a very serious matter" said the priest. I shall have to think of a suitably severe penance. Tell me, have you ever done a retreat?"

"No, I haven't Father" said the man. "But if you can get the plans, I can get the wood."

Q: Why did God create women?

A: He took one look at men and said, "I know I can do better than this."


One Sunday afternoon an older couple was listening to a holy station on the radio. They were about 98 years old and so frail, they couldn't walk to church.
The preacher said, ''If you put one hand on the radio and one hand on whatever you want healed I will heal it for you.''
So the old woman put one hand on the radio and one hand on her heart.
The old man tried to not let the old woman see but he put one hand on the radio and one hand on his penis.
The old woman looked over and said, ''He said he could heal, not raise the dead!''

A farmer was pulled over by a cop for not having his wagon load of hay securely tied.

The cop proceeded to deliver a patronizing lecture about safety and safe driving, making the farmer feel belittled. When he finally got round to writing out the ticket, the cop was troubled by some flies buzzing around his head.

"Ya having problems with circle flies, are ya" enquired the farmer.
"Whatever they are, they're a damned nuisance. I can't say I've heard of circle flies before."

"Circle flies are common on farms", continued the farmer. "Ya see they call em circle flies cause they're always found circling the back end of an horse."

"Oh right" said the cop, but then he suddenly stopped writing the ticket. "Wait a minute, are you trying to call me an horse's ass?"

"Not at all" the farmer answered defensively. "I have far too much respect for the police to call you a horse's ass."

"That's ok then," said the cop resuming writing the ticket.

After a short pause the farmer added, "Hard to fool them flies though"

My doctor said he'd like to apologise for prescribing me Viagra that didn't work.
He said, "No hard feelings?"
I said, "We've established that. Where's the apology?"


The Colorado State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen, and golfers to take extra precautions and be on the alert for bears while in the Dillon, Breckenridge, and Keystone area.
They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert but not startle the bears unexpectedly. They also advise you to carry pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear.
It is also a good idea to watch for signs of bear activity. People should be able to recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings.
Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur.
Grizzly bear droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper spray.

An old Jewish guy had been hoping for years to win the lottery. In desperation he goes to the synagogue and begins to prey:
Dear Heavenly Father, imagine how much good I could do with the money from a lottery win! Imagine how much charity I could give! Please Lord, help me win the lottery and I will use the money selflessly."

A week later he returns to the synagogue and preys:
"Oh, Lord in Heaven, you must not have heard me last week, please,
please, let me win the lottery, so I can help the poor and needy!.

The following week he's back at the synagogue and begins to prey in similar terms, when suddenly he hears a loud voice from the heavens: "Help me please, help me!"

He replies: "Oh Lord in Heaven, what can I do to help you?"

The voice replies: "Buy a ticket, you tight fisted motherf**ker"

Man: "I don't understand how my wife is pregnant - we haven't had sex for over a year."
Doctor: "It's what we call a grudge pregnancy - somebody's obviously had it in for you."

My friend and his wife like to dress up as Apollo Creed and Adrian Balboa. They're going through a rocky patch.

Why are quantum physicists so poor at sex?
Because when they find the position, they can't find the momentum, and when they have the momentum, they can't find the position.

A Scotsman arrived home to find a builder's van outside his house.
"Please God" he said. "Let it be her lover."

There were three boys in a classroom: one named Zip, one named Dick, and one named Pea. Their teacher leaves the room for a moment, so Zip gets on top of the cupboard, Dick goes inside the cupboard, and Pee jumps around outside.

The teacher returns and yells, "Zip down, Dick out, and Pea in the corner!"


Little Tommy went into his parent's bedroom one morning and saw his mommy on top of his daddy. He didn't understand what was happening, but figured he'd ask his mommy later. So, that afternoon, Tommy asked her, “Mommy, what were you doing on top of daddy?”
She stuttered for a second and said, “Well, you know how daddy is getting a little fat?” Tommy said, “Yes.“ Then his mommy said, “Well, if I lie on top of him, it makes him slim again.”
Tommy looked confudes, “But mommy, that won't work.”
“But, honey,” said Tommy's mother, “why not?”
Tommy said, “Because after you go to work, the lady next door comes and blows him back up.”