Jokes

A General was immensely proud of his son when he joined the Marines. He told everyone how well his boy was doing, and what a man he was, and he looked forward to hearing about further tales of heroism when he came home on leave that week.

Picking his son up at the base, the General could see that his son appeared troubled, and asked what was bothering him.

"Dad, there's something I have to tell you, and I don't think you're going to like it. I had to do my first jump out of a plane and I was absolutely terrified. I was the last one to jump and when I got to the door I just froze. I couldn't do it. My drill sergeant glared at me and roared: "Soldier, if you don't jump out of this plane this damn instant, I'm going to stick my big hairy cock right up your little ass!"

His father's eyes widened. "Did you jump?"

"Only at first"

A businessman traveled throughout the Pacific Rim on an extended business trip. He mixed business with pleasure once too often and contracted a mysterious venereal disease. His physician informed him that his member would have to be amputated. Shocked that his doctor would suggest such a radical procedure, the businessman consulted a few other doctors, but they all agreed with his physician.
The businessman decided that if he contracted this disease in the Far East, he should consult an Eastern doctor, one who specializes in traditional Asian medicine. So he asked around, and made an appointment with a traditional healer in Chinatown.
After the businessman explained his problem and the opinion of his doctors, asked if amputation was really the only cure.
“No, I don’t think amputation is necessary at all,” said the Asian doctor. The businessman was extremely relieved. “That’s great! I saw a few doctors and they all said amputation was the only way.” “Bah!! What do Western doctors know?” scoffed the Asian healer with disdain. “Any doctor worth his salt could tell you that it’ll drop off by itself in three to six weeks!”

Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke a little leaf, Jack got high and dropped his fly and Jill said "Where’s The Beef?"


It's my wife's birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present. 'Oh, I don't know ,' she said . 'Just give me something with diamonds. That's why I'm giving her a pack of playing cards.


Paddy and Sean are planning to go out on a Saturday night, but only have 50 cents between them. Paddy has an idea, he takes the 50 cents of Sean, goes to a butchers and buys a sausage. Sean is really pissed off at first that Paddy spent their last money on a sausage, but Paddy lets him in on his plan. "We are going into the next pub, order two pints, drink them and when it comes to paying you go down on your knees, unzip my trousers, pull the sausage out and start sucking on it" So, they go into the first pub and do exactly as Paddy suggested. The barmaid is disgusted by the sight and kicks the two out. Paddy says: "see it works, we didn't pay did we?" As Paddy's plan seems to be working they carry on doing it... In the 12th pub, both are quite drunk by now, Sean isn't looking to good. They have just finished their pints... Sean: "I can't do this anymore Paddy my bloody knees are hurting as fuck...!" Paddy: "No worries...I lost that bloody sausage in the third pub!"

A 95 year old man lived in a rest home but had a weekend pass to visit town. One Saturday night he went to a bar and met a 70 year old woman. They got chatting and ended up getting it on back at her house.

Five days later, he noticed he was developing a drip so off he went to see his doctor.

"Have you had sex recently? asked the doctor.
"As a matter of fact I have" replied the old man.
"Can you remember the name of the woman and where she lives?
"Yes, I can, Why?"
"Well, you'd better get over there- you're about to come!"

Three men went Las Vegas and after a losing their money at the blackjack tables, the best friends decided to stay off the strip in a not so lavish hotel and the guy that owned it had 18 daughters so the first man went up to they’re father and said "Can I sleep with your 18 daughters?" the father said "No, but you can sleep with the pigs." the second man went to the father and said "Can I sleep with your 18 daughters?" the father said "No, but you can sleep with the cows." the third man said "Can I sleep with your 18 daughters?" the father said "Yes." So in the morning the three men and the father had a conversation over breakfast, the first man said "I slept like a pig", the second man said "I slept like a cow", the third man said "I felt like a golfer" the father asked why? he said cause I got my balls in 18 holes.


Boy: "I love you so much, I could never live without you." Girl: "Is that you or the beer talking?" Boy: "It's me talking to the beer."


Q: What's the difference between a penis and a bonus? A: Your wife will always blow your bonus!


Q: Why did God give men penises? A: So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.

When Jane initially met Tarzan of the jungle, she was very attracted to him.
During her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex.
"Tarzan not know sex," he replied.
Jane explained to him what sex was.
Tarzan said, "Oh... Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground. "Here" she said, "you must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood.
Tarzan stepped closer, and then gave her a mighty kick right in the crotch!
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.
Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed: "What did you do that for?"
"Tarzan check for squirrel"



A man is showing off his brand new rifle to his best friend. He is so proud of the fact that this rifle is the latest model equipped with high power sight. “Just look through that sight,” he tells his buddy. “Here, scan those roof tops.” His buddy looks through the sight, and suddenly he lowers the rifle. “Oh, no!” he says. “What?” asks his friend.
Swallowing hard, his buddy says, I just saw my wife making love to a guy on that roof over there.” Enraged he hands the rifle back to his friend and says, “I want you to shoot them for me.” “I can’t do that,” says his friend.
“Look,” says his buddy, “I don’t know anything about guns. You are my best friend, you’ve got to do this for me,” pleads his buddy. After making the difficult decision, his friend begins to aim.
His buddy says, “This is what I want you to do. I want you to kill them both! Shoot him in the balls, and her in the face!”
“Holy cow!” says his friend, peering through the sight and taking aim. “I think I can get this in one shot!”

A woman was in bed, eagerly awaiting for her date to take off his pants. When he did and she saw the size of his dick, she jumped out of bed and ran to the dressing table drawer.
"What the hell are you doing? " he cried.
"I'm getting a crayon" she replied. "You've got to draw the line somewhere."

What did the Seven Dwarfs say when the prince awakened Snow White? "Well it looks like we're back to jerking off"

My mate asked me where the most dangerous place in the world is?
"That's a tough one" I replied. "I'm stuck between Iraq/Kandahar place.

Humpty Dumpty has been found dead. Next of Kinder have been informed.

A woman is on one of those funeral cruises where the ashes of loved ones may be dumped into the sea. She had been married to a real cheapskate, who after 30 years of marriage finally died. The lady had her husband cremated, at his wishes, because he felt a plot would cost too much. After the memorial services, she went to the railing and poured his ashes out into her hands and started talking to him. "Henry," she said, "you know that mink cape I wanted all my life? Well your company sold for so much that now I have bought myself a beautiful full length mink coat." "And Henry," she said, "you know that trip to the Caribbean I always wanted to take? Well, I took a world cruise for 90 days and it was wonderful!" "And Henry," she continued, "you know that big blue Cadillac I had been hoping for the last 5 years? Well I bought a Rolls Royce instead and it drives like a dream." "Oh, and Henry," she said, "you know that blow job you always wanted?" and she blew the ashes out of her hands into the sea.


A group of guys go on a ship after a few days a guy got horny so he went up to the captain and asked "What do you guys use when you get horny?" The captain said there's a barrel over there with a hole in it we use that" The guy replied "Great when can I use it" The captain said "Everyday other then Tuesday" The guy asked "Why not tuesday?" The captain grinned and said "Cause thats your day in the barrel."

A lonely reporter sent out to cover the gold rush, walked into a small town bar. He walked over to one of the many prospectors and asked what they did for female companionship. "We shag sheep" he relied with a huge grin on his face.

The reporter was disgusted but after checking out the few local woman there were in the town, he eventually agreed that the sheep were a whole lot prettier.

Several months went by and he could resist his sexual urges no longer, so he rounded up a nice looking sheep, took it to the hotel and had hot sex with it.

The next day he took his four legged lover into the bar, and as soon as they walked in, every prospector put down their drinks and stared at him as if he was crazy.

"You goddam bunch of hypocrites!" he raged. "You've all been shagging sheep for years and now I've stooped to your level, you all stare at me like I'm some kind of crazy pervert."

A lone prospector spoke up and said: " But tenderfoot, don't you know that's the sheriff's gal!"

A husband desperate to keep his hot wife happy offers to buy his wife a new car. She cutely declines his offer by saying, "That's not quite what I had in mind." Frantically he offers her a new house. Again she rejects his offer, "That's not quite what I had in mind." Curious, he asks: "What did you have in mind?" She retorts, "I'd like a divorce." He answers, "I hadn't planned on spending quite that much."