Jokes

A golfer met a woman on the first tee and agreed to join her for the round. To his surprise and disappointment, she turned out to be a good player and beat him convincingly.

Although he was angry at losing, he liked the woman and bought her a drink in the clubhouse afterwards. He then offered to drive her home. She was so grateful for the lift that, half-way home, she told him to stop the car and proceeded to give him the best blow job he'd ever had in his life.

The following day, he met her again on the first tee. Again she beat him- much to his annoyance-and again she gave him a fantastic blow job on the way home.

This went on for a week. By Friday, he was feeling mixed emotions.
He was sick to death of being beaten by a woman day after day, but he did enjoy the blow jobs on the way home. So he arranged to take things a step further and booked them into a hotel for a passionate weekend.

But when he told her, she burst into tears.
"I can't" she sobbed I'm a transvestite."

He was furious. "You dirty stinking cheat" he raged. "You've been playing off the ladies tee all week."

A sales assistant reported for his first day at work at a major department store. The sales manager showed him round and was passing the gardening department, when he heard a customer asking for grass seed.

"Will you be needing a hose to water your lawn?" interrupted the sales manager helpfully.
"Yes I probably will, thank you I'll take a hose as well."
And what about fertilizer, to make your grass grow green and strong"
"Good idea" said the customer.
"And what about weed-killer, to keep your borders tidy."
"I forgot about weeds, thank you I'll take a bottle."
"And how about a new lawn mower to finish off the job properly?"
"Why not, add one to my bill."

Taking the new assistant to one side the manager said: "See, that's how it's done. The customer came in for one item, but ended up leaving with five. That's the art of good sales technique, which you must try to emulate."

The assistant's first posting was to the pharmaceutical department.
A man approached him and asked for a pack of tampons. seizing his chance the assistant asked the man: "Are you sure you wouldn't like to buy a lawn mower as well.?"

"Why would I want a lawn mower? asked the man.
"Well", said the assistant, "your weekends ruined, so you may as well mow the lawn."

Hans and Klaus went mountain climbing with their mother, but she slipped and fell 1,000 feet. Klaus yelled "Look Hans! No Ma!"

A bloke developed a taste for fabric conditioner. His doctor told him not too worry as it was only Comfort eating.

Never get stuck behind the Devil in a Post Office queue, for the Devil can take many forms.

A bloke was charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. In fairness he only intended to rough him up a bit.

Four married guys went away on a golfing weekend. On the third fairway they began discussing the problems they'd had getting permission from their wives.

The first said: "I had no end of trouble getting away. I had to promise my wife I'd paint the house next weekend."

The second said: "it was no easier for me. I've had to promise my wife I'll go shopping with her next weekend."

The third said: "I know what you mean. I've promised my wife a new fitted kitchen."

The fourth guy said: "It was no problem for me. I just set my alarm for 5.30 this morning. When it went off, I gave my wife a nudge and said: Golf course or intercourse?" And she said: "Don't forget your sweater."

Three married couples - one Jewish, one Irish, one American - all died on the same day and arrived in heaven. St Peter was waiting at the gates to take down their names.

After telling St Peter about all the good works he had done the Jew told him that his wife's name was Penny. "I'm sorry" said St Peter, "but I can't admit anyone with a name connected to money."

Next up was the Irishman. He too told St Peter of his many good charitable exploits, and said that his wife's name was Brandy.
"I'm sorry", said St Peter, "but I can't admit anyone with a name linked to alcohol."

Hearing all this the American guy turned to his wife and said:
"Fanny, I think we may have a problem."

Apparently people in the UK fall into 7 social classes - Elite, Established middle class, Technical middle class, New affluent workers, Traditional working class, Emergent service workers and precarious proletariat.
They missed out the class that go on Jeremy Kyle and shop at Argos...


I was taking my cow to sell at the market and the same guy has approached me five times wanting me to swap it for a bag of 'magic beans'.
I think he's been stalking me...

A blonde had a horrific experience riding a horse. For no apparent reason the beast started to get out of control. It became wild and frisky.

The blonde desperately tried to hang on to it's mane but the horse was so unpredictable that she was eventually thrown off. As she fell, her foot caught in the stirrup and her head bounced repeatedly on the ground with the horse refusing to stop or even slow down.

Finally she was saved when the manager of Tesco's came out and unplugged the machine.

A mum and Dad took their young son on vacation to where there happened to be a nudist beach.

After spending some time happily playing in the sand, the boy ran back to his mother and said: "Mum, I saw ladies with bigger boobies than yours!" His mother replied: " The bigger they are, the dumber they are."

He ran off to play again but a few minutes later ran back again to his mother. "Mum, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's"
His mother replied: "The bigger they are, the dumber they are"

He ran off again only to come back a short time later. "Mum, I just saw Dad talking to the dumbest lady I've ever seen, and the more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!"

There was this zebra who had lived her entire life in a zoo and was getting on a bit so the zoo keeper decided as a treat that she could spend her final years in bliss on a farm. The zebra was so excited, she got out of the horse float to see this huge space with green grass and hill and trees and all these strange animals. She saw a big fat weird looking brown thing and ran up to it all excited, "Hi! I'm a zebra, what are you?" "I'm a cow" said the cow. "Right, and what do you do?" asked the zebra. "I make milk for the farmer" said the cow. "Cool." The zebra then saw this funny looking little white thing and ran over to it. "Hi, I'm a zebra, what are you?" "I'm a chicken," said the chicken. "Oh, right, what do you do?" asked the zebra. "I make eggs for the farmer." said the chicken. "Right - o, great, see ya round." Then the zebra saw this very handsome beast that looked almost exactly like her without the stripes. She ran over to it and said, "Hi, I'm a zebra, what are you?" "I am a Stallion," said the stallion. "Wow," said the zebra. "What do you do?" "Take off your pajama darling, and I'll show you."


Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a tree log. "My what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf," says Little Red Riding Hood. The wolf jumps up and runs away! Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again. This time he is crouched behind a tree stump. "My what big ears you have Mr. Wolf," says Little Red Riding Hood. Again the wolf jumps up and runs away. About 2 miles down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign. "My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf," taunts Little Red Riding Hood. With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams... "Will you friggin' leave me alone? I'm trying to take a shit!"

An English visitor to the USA was talking to a female passenger on the train. She told him that last year she came over to stay in San Jose.

"You pronounce that wrong" he said. "It is San Hosay. In California you should pronounce all J's as H's."

"Oh I see" said the woman. "Thank you for pointing that out."
"When were you there" he asked.
"Hune and Huly."


On the night before her wedding, an Italian bride-to-be talked with her mother. "Mama" she said, "I want you to teach me how to make my new husband happy."

The mother replied gently: "When two people love, honour, and respect each other, love can be a beautiful thing..."

The daughter interrupted, "I know how to F**k Mama - I want you to teach me how to make great lasagne!"